TV Page

February 19th 2008

Graffiti

Ok. This column was all neatly planned to start with a rather ordinary review of the debut episode of Skins Season 2. You know, the usual sort of spiel. But watching it brought me a glaring reminder of what utter mongs many TV stations think its viewers are. There, sat in the top left of the screen, perched under the station log (eww!) through the whole of the episode were the words "Brand New". I mean what retards do they think we are? Do we need to be told all the way through that "Hey, you stupid people out there; this programme is ***BRAND NEW*** and ***NOT A REPEAT***. GET THAT?" Clearly someone has sat down and thought how can they make sure we know this? Clearly trailing a debut episode to death is no longer enough to get over the message that this is ***BRAND NEW***. Oh, no, we have to be told this every single fucking second the episode is airing.

This is just another in the long line of horrid things the TV companies do to mutilate the shows they do. Oh, for the days of old when we used to complain because someone talked over the end credits. Now they squeeze them down to the size of about four helium atoms, fill the rest of the screen with adverts for other shows, and then talk over them. So much so that often the credits are unreadable. It almost makes you wish every show ended like Spooks. Show end, next week trailer", single credits screen and bosh. At least there you can't have a credit squeeze.

On screen channel logos seem to something we will be lumbered with forevermore. Yet, I have yet to read an argument for their usefulness that holds water. They claim they are to aid viewer indentification, so that people will know which channel they are watching. Fair enough, you may think; but all digital boxes, be they freeview, cable or satellite (and it is the digital stations on which these logos are most prevalent) displays the channel as you flick to it. It literally tells you the channel as you change. So, why do you need a logo? Are you going to forget what channel you are watching? Are you stupid? The TV Companies think you are...

The worst thing, however, to make it to UK TV are those "coming next" banners that crop up circa 30 seconds before the end of a programme. They flick up, destroying the flow of the programme you are watching, often at crucial moments when you should be paying attention to what's going on in the show, not some flicking banner. There's utterly no point to them as in anycase in 30 seconds the credits will roll and 3.87 femtoseconds later the credits will squeeze and they'll tell you what's coming up anyway.

However, there may be something even worse waiting in the wings. On the premise that what happens in the States will eventually happen here, the next thing we'll get is pictorial "coming soon/next" adverts while the programme is on. These come after the end of an ad break on some US channels and they literally appear over the top of the action, in some cases blocking the show's on screen text. This banner will come up irrespective of what's going on in the programme and whatever it may sit on top of; captions, action, whatever. Frankly, it shows a lack of respect to the programme being shown.

Some vile odious cunt has decided that this is a good thing. Some vile odious cunt is wrong. It's something that only a person who has undergone an operation to have their brains removed and replaced with seven freshly laid dog turds could think is a good idea. It's happening in America now, and it'll happen on the commercial stations here before too long.

I do sometimes wonder if commercial TV stations actually give two hoots about any of the programmes they show. You really do get the impression that they think that the programmes are merely the hook on which they hang their adverts, and that they are the only things they really care about.

Of course, what the BBC's excuse is for doing all this bollocks is, I don't know. I guess we'll have to see what happens if ITV decides to jump off a bridge. Torchwood had a pointless "new" flash under its redisgned logo. And, yes, BBC3's new logo; a horrid neon pink abomination. It sits there, with no subtelty drawing your eye always in its direction. The old logo was annoying (as all are), but this has to be one of the very worst.

Anyhow. Skins. I spent the entire of Season 1 thinking "Tony; what a cunt!", and this opening episode made me feel really sorry for him. That does take some skill to do. As an opening episode it was a bit of a mixed bag. It was more about reintroducing us to the characters and how they've changed in the time elapsed since the end of the last Season than anything else. I still think Sid and Cassie are by far and away the best characters in it; I hope Cassie doesn't stay away for too long. I can see this Season pootling along in much the same manner as the last one; a mixture of utter wank (the Russian episode) and utter genius (the Cassie episode).