Issue #9 and I'm starting to feel that modestic is starting to get a little established. Readership levels are healthy, but I'd still like more. Well, being the egotist that I am, I want as many people as possible to read this thing. Thus, your mission for today is to forward this issue on to as many people as you can. Get the circulation up a bit. Maybe make four figures.
Anyhoo, there's lots in this issue. Some old stuff, some new stuff. Enjoy!
The Best Computer Games Ever: Bubble Bobble. Best. Game. Ever! Go on; deny it!
Lambchop: Gig review.
Prince of Persia: review of the recent update of this classic.
Pyramids of Mars: another Dr Who DVD review...
Science Fun: Professor Theydon Bois on Gravity.
Fatso's Foto: who has had their picture taken with a small furry wombat this time...?
Around the World With Timmy 2Hedz Part Three: the latest update on his travels...
Randomness and Randomosity. All the stuff that doesn't fit anywhere else...
Copyright and all that malarkey... Copyright. Malarkey. You know.
#1 - Bubble Bobble
The world can be divided into two types of people. People who think Bubble Bobble is fantastic, and idiots. There can be little doubt that Bubble Bobble is the greatest computer game yet produced.
The concept is simple. You are Bub (or Bob if you are Player 2), a small bubble blowing dinosaur. You have to jump from platform to platform and blow bubbles at the baddies. If the bubble hits the baddie, it becomes trapped within. Then all you have to do is burst the bubble and the baddie will be killed. But don't leave it too long; otherwise the baddie will burst his way out of the bubble and be really mad. Kill all the baddies to move on to the next level, of which there are 100. Well, 103, really…
It sounds simple, and it is. Yet the design of the levels is superb. Sometimes the level will be really simple, and then other times you'll get a sneaky little swine of a level that will leave you fuming as you think how in the name of chuff are you meant to do that? Yet, once you get the hang of it, each level has a way through.
One of the most impressive features about Bubble Bobble is the way how it encourages you to play it as a two player game with a friend. Several levels are nightmarishly difficult as a one player game, but with a second player they become easier as you jump to previously unreachable platforms on the other player's bubbles. There is also a notable power up which fills the screen with goodies. Yes, you both could try and get as many as you can each, but if you both get the same amount you receive a hefty bonus for sharing. And should you manage to "complete" the game in one player, the game just congratulates you for getting to the end, and to "next time, bring a friend", before chucking you back to level 70. Only in two player mode can you see the true ending.
Add to that hidden rooms, a perfectly paced difficulty curve and the most addictive/annoying (delete as applicable) in game music you could ever hear in a game, and you've got gaming heaven.
Thus, Bubble Bobble is the greatest computer game ever made. If you disagree with this thre is only one word to describe you: wrong.
Bubble Bobble has been released on pretty much every format you can imagine. The best way to play it is of course on a stand up arcade machine, but failing that if you know the right places to look on the internet you can download the Rom for the Mame Emulator and get a perfect copy of the arcade machine. Also recommended is the Playstation version.
Now, if only I could lay my hands on a GameBoy Advance SP and be able to play Bubble Bobble anywhere, my life would inch that bit closer to completeness… Of course ideally, I'd get myself an original 1986 arcade machine but what are the chances...? Incidentally, do any of you know any places where Bubble Bobble arcade machines still reside? It's been years since I've seen one. The one at Weston-Super-Mare was gone last time I was there... :(
Bubble Bobble had a number of sequels, all of which were very good indeed;
Rainbow Islands: in which Bub and Bob are returned to human form and shoot rainbows, which they can climb upon. Many say that this is the best game in the Bubble Bobble series. Many are wrong. Make sure you get those jewels in the right order, though… Rainbow Islands is subtitled "The Story of Bubble Bobble 2".
Parasol Stars: once again human, Bub and Bob here use parasols as weapons, which they can either use to hit the baddies, or they can use them to shoot water drops which can be caught atop the parasols. Parasol Stars is subtitled "The Story of Rainbow Islands 2". Even thought it's really Bubble Bobble 3.
Bubble Symphony: the first "true" sequel to Bubble Bobble in that it's back to Bubble blowing dinosaurs. Here we get more of the same sort of thing, but there are added extras such as more "boss" levels, and a choice of 4 characters, and different routes through the game. And many secret things. This is sometimes called Bubble Bobble 2. Even though it's Bubble Bobble 4.
Bubble Memories: more of the same, but here we get the addition of different sized Bubbles. Level choice is out, as progress here is up a tower, with a "boss" every tenth level, with seventy levels in total. Or are there more...? Seventy, ten times seven. Colours of the rainbow… This is subtitled "The story of Bubble Bobble 3". Even though it's Bubble Bobble 5. Ho-hum…
If you want to wax lyrical about your favourite game, please feel free to do so.
The Lowry Theatre, Manchester 25/03/04
By Dan Tate
I always worry when I've convinced friends to see a band with me and this is no exception. It turns out that seeing alt-country band Lambchop live may be more of an acquired taste than even I expected. They are quiet, very quiet. That is some achievement for a band with five guitar players! I'm concerned because I've brought my band mates with me - guitar and drums - neither of whom are known for their sonic subtlety. So while I'm lapping up the 90 minutes plus of gorgeous tunes I try not to turn to see whether either of them are bored senseless.
The Lowry Theatre makes for an excellent venue for this band. Let's face it, Lambchop are not a band to dance to, so being seated makes it feel less like a poetry reading. Also the sound is exemplary meaning you can hear every barely plucked string in all it's glory. Thankfully the band show themselves to be human with snapped strings, broken nails and some bad jokes from pianist Tony Crow. If they'd played this any other way it could have been a very serious evening.
The bulk of the set this evening is made up of songs from the bands two current releases - "Aw C'mon" and "No, You C'mon". They kick off with "Each Time I Bring It Up It Seems To Bring You Down" which is very stop-starty, so much so that no one knows when to clap. Someone tries valiantly, but gets it wrong meaning that there's no applause before they head on into the raucous "Nothing Adventurous Please" one of the few rock songs that they play this evening. I'll be honest, I had been hoping that they'd play a few songs from their 2000 album "Nixon" - it's that record that made me a fan in the first place. However they only dip into their back catalogue twice during the main set, once for "The New Cobweb Summer" from 2002s "Is A Woman" and another track that I don't recognise from their first album. This is not to say that I didn't enjoy what they were playing - I love the two new albums, they both get regular airings on my stereo. Highlights of the main set are "Steve McQueen", "Low Ambition" and "Something's Going On".
Just because the band are quiet doesn't mean that they're not trying. They play dictaphones into guitars, play the snare drum with only fingers, and Kurt Wagner plays his guitar so rhythmically that you can barely tell whether there are notes coming out of it at all. The last three Lambchop albums have been built around pianist Tony Crow, and you can see why. He can do understated brilliantly, and when called for he can go for pure Thelonius Monk style piano bashing. With his grand piano he's almost centre stage with front man Kurt, whose growly southern vocals round out the sound beautifully making it clear that everyone else is holding back in order to showcase them.
After 75 minutes the 8 strong collective leave the stage, but soon head back for the encore. At last! A song from "Nixon"! They play the heart-meltingly great "You Masculine You" and follow it up with a barely recognisable cover of The Stranglers "(Get A) Grip (On Yourself)". They head off stage again - this time even the Theatre thinks they've finished. The lights go up, a CD comes on, but wait - they're back! They play a song written the pianist - I think it's called "You're The One". Then, joy of joys, they play "Up With People" also from "Nixon" and is as close as they come to ever having had a hit. It's such a beautiful song, country mixed with Curtis Mayfield, just the right music to send people back out into the cold Manchester evening. I loved every minute of the gig, but did my friends? Well, the guitar player says "I liked it when they played loud" and the drummer comments on them "getting some interesting rhythms going". On reflection that's probably the best response I could have hoped for...
Prince of Persia The Sands of Time
By Chris Arsnby
(PlayStation 2, X-Box, PC, probably some others as well let's say Gamecube).
Every now and again a game comes along that's worth waxing evangelical about; Chaos (on the ZX Spectrum for those of you with too long memories), the original X-Com game on the PC or Tenchu on the Playstation.
What makes Prince of Persia such a wonderful piece of software and a joy to play is its astonishingly transparent control system. Want to run along that wall, jump over the spiked pit, grab a bar and do a somersault onto the platform? Piece of cake. To anyone who's sat through the tedious footstep counting antics of Tomb Raider this will come as a revelation.
Another innovation is the way that the game lets you rewind events by up to ten seconds when you die. It doesn't sound like much but the game takes on a whole new level when you are struck down in the middle of a fight and rewind time back to the point before you were hit and then dodge left instead of right.
The game is not quite perfect, sadly. There are a couple of arse grindingly frustrating sections to plough through and the game could be a little longer but it's still very highly recommended.
I remember when I first saw Pyramids of Mars. It was when it was repeated on BBC2 about ten years ago. It had a reputation as being one of the very finest tales of all, and so with this in mind, over four Sunday lunchtimes I watched as the tale unfolded in front of me. And I hated it. I couldn't see why it was so highly regarded. All but the final episode I though was dull, dull and more dull. So it was with some trepidation I bought this disk. Yes, I know, the immediate question that springs to mind; if you don't like it, then why buy it? Well, being a scarf wearing completist, a gap in the DVD collection would look unsightly. Heck, I'll even buy the very lowest of the low, Planet of the Daleks, when that's out. But I digress…
Watching it again, I'm shocked. Shocked at how I came the to the conclusion that I came to all those years back. The first episode ends and I have a broad grin on my face. The script is well paced, witty, and gripping, with great performances from all. The following episodes follow in the same vein. What could I have been thinking of?
It's a pretty simple premise, but well executed. Sutekh, the destroyer, is making his plans to return to Earth from his ancient prison, and it's up to the Doctor and Sarah Jane to stop him.
The disk is also packed with extras. There's a small selection of deleted scenes/shots, some of which are very brief, and of varying quality. Still, better here than not.
There's a trio of documentaries. Osirian Gothic shows the making of the story, with comments from pretty much everyone of any importance who worked on it. The notable exception being Tom. Lis Sladen shows some extreme tendencies of luvvie-dom (worthy of an entry in the section in Private Eye, in fact) as she whinges about Sarah Jane being able to use a rifle properly, saying that she couldn't see where in her background she could have picked that skill up. Well, she was a journalist, so maybe she did a story on shooting and had a go at it? See. Easy to justify it. And she whinges about being overdirected, when in fact the extra effort that Paddy Russell put in to directing really paid dividends and made for better performances.
Second is Serial Thrillers, which takes an overview of Philip Hinchcliffe's time as producer. Thirdly Now and Then shows us how the location of the filiming - Mick Jagger's house! - has changed over the years. All three are well put together and informative. [Mary Whitehouse fans should note that she appears in Serial Thrillers, in a segment taken from the 30 Years in the Tardis Documentary.]
We also have the usual bits and bobs we take for granted (but we shouldn't), the commentary featuring Lis Sladen, Philip Hinchliffe and Michael Sheard (with additional comments by Paddy Russell), a photo gallery, and the informative production subtitles.
Best of all, though, is Oh Mummy! This shows what happened to Sutekh after the story finished filming, and how he landed the role of himself in it. To say too much would really spoil it for you, but take my word for it; you'll be laughing like a drain by the end of it. Certainly one of the finest extras on the entire range to date. Let's hope there's more in this vein to come in the future.
Easter Eggs: oh, just the usual press left on a menu option thing. I think it's on Oh Mummy, but I've lent the disc to someone so can't check.
Overall, it's a very polished disk (even more so now I've sprayed the Mr Sheen on it), and well worth a place in your collection. Oh, and if you're a Queer as Folk fan; this is the one that Vince is watching at the end of Episode 1. Rating: Ocelot.
with Professor Theydon Bois of the Shake to the Oldies Discorobics Centre (formerly the London Institute for Applied Hypermathamatics)
Hullo. This issue I'd like to talk to you about the thorny issue of 'time travel'. Now this is a bit of a hot button topic with some people regarding it as complete nonsense and others claiming that there is nothing stopping a 'Time Machine' from being built tomorrow; or even yesterday!
The main argument against inventing a time machine is that the first time you travelled back in time to a point before the machine was built you would change history (because you have bought it back to a time before it existed, thus violating the "laws" of "cause" and "effect"). By changing the past you would change the present that the machine was invented in and 'poof' suddenly you don't have a time machine any more.
I have found a loophole in this argument. All you need to do is make sure that you invent the time machine far back in the past. Say 600 million years ago, before life even evolved on this planet. Now you can use your time machine at will without changing history because all of history happened after the time machine was invented. "Ah, but," I hear you say," how can you get 600 million years back in the past to invent your time machine?" Well, that's easy, you travel back in time using the machine that already exists; 'hallo läßt baby liebe bilden' as the French say.
Of course the snag with this theory -or "thought experiment" as Einstien used to call them- is that none of us have yet found a time machine that was invented 600 million years ago but I'm sure it's only a matter of time!
Next issue - I married a quark!
As time passes, the more I hear about the new Doctor Who series, the more excited I get. Last September, when I heard Russell T Davies was in charge I was elated. He is, after all, the best television writer this country has at the moment (I'll consider petitions for Jimmy McGovern and Paul Abbot, but no-one else), who has raft of quality television programmes on his CV, such as Queer as Folk, The Second Coming, Revelations and, er, Chucklevision.
Then came the announcement of who'd be writing how many episodes. 8 for Russell. One each for Rob Shearman, Mark Gatiss and Paul Cornell, and two for Steven Moffatt. (A sixth, un-named, writer dropped out.) A diverse group of people, each of whom have proved in various media not only their Doctor Who writing credentials, but their writing credentials in general. I didn't think it could get better.
But better it got with the announcement of who they got to play the lead. Christopher Eccleston. I never thought they would be able to attract an actor of his calibre. I mean, I always thought they'd get someone decent, but Eccleston? That's a whole different ball game. He's an actor who is never less than totally convincing in all he does. It's like having a Guilgud in the role. He's that good.
I both crave more information and resist the urge for it. I want to sit down in front of the telly knowing as little as possible about each episode. Even the single line about the possible content of the first episode is too much, really, despite saying very little. I read so many message boards and forums and zines mentioning Who, that I'm sure I'll have to cut them back to a bare minimum. Spoilers are a work of Satan. Only a few weeks back I turned the page in the Mirror to see a couple of pictures that I really did not want to see from Star Wars Episode 3. I don't want Who to be spoiled. As a child I never had a clue what might happen in next weeks episode. I didn't even know the title of a new story until it appeared on screen. I want that again. And I will get it.
#2 - Paul Cornell
I believe he's writing for some obscure sci-fi show at the mo…
Around the World With Timmy 2Hedz
In which Timmy 2Hedz and Pristine Christine travel the world. And report back via the medium of "e-mail"…
Part Three: Change and Renewal.
Hey yooouuu guuuys!
So, we're at the end of the first 'leg' of the travelling monkeys world tour and the biggest shock news of course, is that I was a bit stooopid to actually think that anyone could put up with me 24/7, and therefore the luvly Chrissy is ditching me during the 'Oz leg', and this afternoon she's jetting forward to New Zealand to regain her sanity while staying with a slightly less loud friend, and to earn herself enough pennies to keep her stocked up on Starbucks. Hopefully, all being well, we'll meet up again when I get to NZ and she can teach me how to snowboard and bugger sheep and stuff [Ash; Yeah, Timmy, like you don't already know…], then we'll do the 'USA leg' together, and live happily ever after with lots of baby monkeys in a monkey house with a white monkey fence.
Or maybe I'll be eaten alive by a bunch of lusty beach babes in Oz, in which case I'll be a broke and homeless son-of-a-bitch when I finally get back to the UK!
Anyway, since leaving that fridge freezer known as Blighty in January, we've done Thailand (cool), Laos (stoned), Thailand again (coo coo ca choo), Malaysia in a week (scabby, dirty and smelly - and that was only my feet), and the lovely but expensive Singapore (lovely but expensive). I totally understand why budget conscious travellers don't do Singapore, it's more expensive than a night in a whore house with Baxter Potato! We left Singapore's little holiday island of Sentosa this week, and 2 hours later they found the dead body of a woman face down on one of the beaches - HOW SCARY IS THAT!!! And before you ask, no it's not Chrissy! She's still right beside me, lovingly decorated in chains and gaffer tape...
In our 2 months we've stayed in gorgeous beach huts, tiny huts, massive huts, scabby huts, smelly huts, posh hotels with a TV and fridge, box rooms with cockroaches and green slime on the walls, and almost froze to death in a bamboo hut in the middle of the Pai jungle. We've seen a million temples, 2 million McDonalds (never went in, honest), and visited the Twin Towers in Kuala Lumpar and resisted the urge to run around the top floor shouting "Ahh!!! There's a plane coming!!!".
We've broke down in minibuses and crashed in a slow boat, had a flat tyre on a moped in the middle of nowhere, broken the crank on a Mary Poppins bike, collapsed a rusty tuk tuk, and I've sat on a plastic garden chair in the aisle of a coach for 3 hours while rain drips through the roof onto my head.
We've ridden elephants, fed milk to a tiger cub, wrestled with monkeys, and been attacked and bitten by hilltribe children. We've eaten chicken, yep, we've eaten Thai chicken, healthy chickens, poorly chickens, chickens with runny noses and trench foot - and we're still alive. We've eaten noodles, rice, rice, noodles, rice, and sticky rice. We've had special 'happy' pizzas and cakes (and been too stoned 12 hours later to catch the bus).
I've been propositioned by whores and blackmailed by ladyboys. We were conned and threatened by an inbred half-eared twat in Pak Beng. We've been greeted by toads in our bathroom, and had our toilet unblocked by Rolf Harris. We've met a whole bunch of 'nice peoples' too: English, Canadian, American, Dutch, Swedish, even 2 nice Germans. The Changovers from Ko Samet, the most excellent Trekkers from Pai, the odd cultural missmatch group from Luang Phabang, the list goes on... and obviously they'll be more (I hope!)...
So that's that. End of round 1. Off we go in different directions to have different adventures and experience different transport disasters.
"Chrissy here - I was going to add my bit but I guess Tim's covered it all, I'm sure there are a few bits missing like our current room which smells of dead indians, the rude Singaporeans, the hounding tuk tuk drivers "ma friend, where are you going", "taxi sir", being ignored by the natives and also being stared at too, erm, having to hang my travel towel over the coach seat so that it doesn't ming, getting excited about laundry, sitting with the bags while Tim goes exploring for rooms, being hungry more times than I should be, no hairdryer, no make up, no perfume, no jeans. Tee hee, the adventures aren't over yet... I'm going to see James Brown in concert on 31st March in Auckland and I think that's pretty cool."
Au revoir my pretties!
Love & horsebites
Burger King Monkey & Drama Queen Monkey
Accrington Stanley Update: The Stan are currently sitting at 8th place in the Conference, but as time passes that elusive play off position looks ever unlikely. They're only three places off, but that amounts now to some ten points. And with a match this Saturday against league leaders Chester, prospects look low. But the thing to bear in mind that this is their first season in the Conference, so they've not done bad at all.
Dalek Masterplan 2: I've managed to get my hands on a copy of this, and because I'm a generous soul, I've uploaded it here. To ensure quality it is quite a big file, though. It won't be up long, so download while you can, share it on Kazaa and the like, and whatever you do, don't tell the BBC!!!
Come Home Billy Bird: the latest single by The Divine Comedy is notable for the fact that it features the lovely Lauren Laverne on backing/chorus vocals. As great as it is to hear her on this single, I can't help but wish that she'd do some more music of her own, or even release the solo album that was allegedly completed prior to the collapse of Deceptive Records…
Final Thought #8: was a little tricky. It was a line cut from the script of the Press Gang episode One Easy Lesson. Yup, tricky. Just be thankful I didn't use my first idea; "I'll get your bags from your car; do you have your keys" which would have been impossible… Anyhow, tell me where this month's is from and win something. Just send an e-mail to finalthought@unlimitedricepudding.com.
Copyright and all that malarkey…
modestic is © 2003 Ash Stewart. All articles are © to whoever is credited with them. All uncredited items are © Ash Stewart. The address for all correspondence, be it praise, criticism, death threats, missing episode hoaxes, pictures of wombats, articles, anything is this one or alternatively that one...
modestic issue #9 was edited by Ash Stewart and was written by Ash Stewart, Chris Arnsby, Dan Tate, Professor Theydon Bois, Timmy 2Hedz, Pristine Christine and Fatso, the wombat.
Thanks to: Christopher Eccleston. This e-zine can be forwarded on to whoever you so wish on the proviso that nothing in it is removed, added to, or altered in any way. In fact I positively encourage you to forward it! If you were forwarded this e-zine by a friend and wish to sign up for it yourself go here.
If you no longer wish to receive this e-zine go here Don't go sending me whinging e-mails asking me why I'm sending you "all this crap"; it's 'cos you asked for it, you peon.
Contributions are always welcome for modestic. You can write about exactly what you like. Any subject at all. It does not matter if I agree with what you write or not, if it's well written it goes in. Freedom of speech is one of the cornerstones of modestic, as is change and renewal… Do not feel at all restrained or restricted by the things you have seen so far in modestic; just write about what you know, and It'll slot in seamlessly... Even if what you have in mind is clearly opposite to what I think of something, as long as it's wells written and vaguely coherent, it'll get in
And YES, the ratings system does make sense! So there! (Acutally, I'm thinking of having a different one each issue. Maybe #10 will have one based on Dr Who's companions...)
You can chat about this issue of modestic on the message board But you won’t.
You can see old back issues of that old fanzine Munching Carpet, if you are at all interested, here... At present you can see Issues #1-3. Issue #4 was supposed to have been up by now. But isn't. It will be some time. Be patient with me...
Issue 10 of modestic will be e-mailed out at the start of May, swiftly followed at the start of June by The Pixies comeback special, in which I'll spend lots of time saying how great the Pixies ARE. Oh, it'll be so good to be able to say that the Pixies are the best band in the world, rather than were…
And I'm quite sure it will be even an even better issue than this one!
modestic is a free e-zine, for which I have no intention of ever charging. It would be way too much hassle for a start. However, if you should ever feel suitably impressed that you actually want to pay some money for it (not that I think this is at all likely, but stranger things have happened), then you can pay to my PayPal account which is fatso_the_wombat@hotmail.com.
Final thought: fish don't swim, fish fly.