First of all I feel I must apologise for certain bits of issue #7 - you'll know which bits I mean - which were patronising and condescending. Insulting, even. The only defence I can give is that I finished off the last issue when I was in a foul mood and allowed that mood to slip into the zine, which should never have happened. Sorry.
I mean, for one thing, I completely missed out mentioning the recovery of another missing Doctor Who episode, Daleks' Master Plan #2, taking the tally down to 108. If only Underwater Menace 1, 2 and 4 would turn up...
It was a bad day. (Please, don't take a picture.)
Anyhoo. To normality, and this issue…
Those of you who used to read Munching Carpet will no doubt remember Timmy 2Hedz, who enthralled all with his amazing theories on life and stuff. Well he is, even as we speak, travelling around the world and has sent various missives in e-mails which I've shamelessly cribbed and edited for your amusement. Enjoy!
Around the World With Timmy 2Hedz Part One: in which Timmy pays for the services of a ladyboy.
Visitation DVD: the latest Dr Who on a shiny disc.
The Boris Conspiracy: Boris Johnson, nice guy or Tory tosser?
Kingdom of the Spiders: a movie cruelly overlooked in the Oscars.
Press Gang DVD: the best TV series ever hits DVD.
Fatso's Foto: who has had their picture taken with a small furry wombat this time...?
Science Fun: Professor Theydon Bois on Gravity.
Around the World With Timmy 2Hedz Part Two: which Timmy visits Laos.
Randomness and Randomosity. All the stuff that doesn't fit anywhere else...
Copyright and all that malarkey... Copyright. Malarkey. You know.
Around the World With Timmy 2Hedz
(In which Timmy 2Hedz and Pristine Christine travel the world. And report back via the medium of "e-mail"…)
Part one; "After only 1 week in Thailand, I have paid for ladyboys."
Well here we are, in dirty, smelly Bangkok! After a 10 hour flight with Chrissy being sick out of both ends… Nice. Feeling totally lazy and spoilt at the mo, as our first 2 nights are in the biggest poshest hotel ever - a little bit of luxury before we start slumming it tomorrow...
OK, before I go on, I must point out that I'm sat at the most primitive computer in Asia. The internet connection is slower than a dead snail, some of the keys require the power of Geoff Capes to press them, but worst of all, the letters have been rubbed off. So I'm using "the force" to write this email, and my JHP touch typing memories to help me, which isn't always great as keyboards out here are arranged differently anyway - especially the @ and " which have been swapped.
The only ladyboy story so far is this... We got to Chiang Mai about 5 days ago, and wandered about this big night bazaar thing (basically it's about 50 Ciren markets stuck together - all selling the same cheap tat). But one it was a drink and food hall - with free entertainment. The place was totally empty which should have been a big enough clue in itself, but no, I wanted to know why - ya know, just to satisfy my own curiosity. Cats - exactly. We sat down, and within minutes the place was full - err, actually there were 3 other people sat down which left about 250ish empty seats. We ordered some Chang Beer (Woah! No 2 bottleshave the same alcohol percentage, so every night kinda turns into Russian roulette with beer on a beach. Apparently they have speed in them too?!? But that's probably just a rumour... hmmm.) and then they introduce "a ladyboy cabaret", quite openly, which was just as well coz they were as ugly as fuck! About 6 of them took it in turns to parade on stage, sometimes together, and mime really really badly - just moving their mouths like puppets and walking from one part of the stage to the next with a little twirl here and there. They didn't always have time to do up their dresses in between songs which made them look even funnier. As amusing as this all was, it took a swift down turn the moment they started miming to Celine Dion. Fuck sake. You're probably wondering why we stayed so long (apart from my natural fascination for cock of course), we were promised a thai kickboxing show after an hour of ladyboys. So there, good enough reason? Hmm. Anyway, after about 40 minutes, without any warning at all, the ladyboys leave the safety of their stage and make a beeline for us, suddenly I felt awful guilty for openly laughing at the shiteness, and as they got closer and you could see the badly covered facial hair etc, panic started to rise. Covering it well, we played along and I took a picture of them hovering around Chrissy, and then she insisted that I had my pic taken too. Even creepier now as they move behind me and start caressing my shoulders - I do a comedy "get me the fuck out of here smile" and think it'll all be over. Then we here the words "you tip for me". Again and again. Being a cunt, I naturally just sit there laughing and saying "no way, you're crap". But they don't seem to understand, and get closer and closer - "you tip for me, you tip for me". I'm about to give them a special English tip of my own when I sense the fear in Chrissy's face, who is now pleading for me to tip them as they don't appear to be going anywhere soon. This together with my fear of losing a fight to 6 ladyboys (bad ones at that!), I delve into my wallet and take out my only coin - 5 Baht. And give this to one of them, while gesturing to the others that i have no more and tip my wallet upside down and shake it. They soon lose interest and luckily then head for he other 3 spectators who haven't had the sense to run for their lives already. And in case you're not up on your Thai money, 5 Baht works out as less than 3 pence, so not a bad result at the end of the day. We quickly made a run for it as they started yet more shite songs, and warned several Americans who were just arriving and getting comfy. We stalled outside for a while and then went back in to catch some of the boxing. Which turned out to be a show fight, in other words, the sort of daft shit that we used to do with Deadly Dicker on film - except they claimed this was real. The crowd was now bigger and I swear I was the only one that could tell it was fake - everyone was getting well into it, even though I could clearly see the knockouts were hitting the gloves instead of their heads. Even Chrissy doubted me, saying it looked real. She only really gave in after a couple of really obvious mistakes. But still the crowd didn't seem to twig. So we left. Well, I have standards you know. I'm a professional sports man don't you know. (And I didn't want to tangle with the ladyboys in the carpark later either.)
So, to cut a short story shorter, you could say that "After only 1 week in Thailand, I have paid for ladyboys." Use this statement as you will, for comedy effect or whatever, but bear in mind I gave them your address and gave them detailed stories of Vaselined carrots - they're on there way sunshine!
The latest in the ongoing range of Dr Who DVDs sees The Doctor (in this story played by Peter Davison), Nyssa, Tegan and Adric arrive at Heathrow Airport in the year, er, 1666, a time when, quite literally, it were nowt but fields… Still, despite being over 300 years out, they explore, and are soon embroiled in a plot featuring acting highwaymen, the plague, alien reptiles and, oh, something else. 1666; now why is that year significant…?
The Visitation is, really, a pretty average example of a Dr Who tale. It's nothing special, it's not that smart. Nothing terrible either. Just nothing to lift it above the average. The whole thing moves along at, well, an average pace, and the whole thing is just. Average.
The DVD presentation, however, is excellent. There are three specially shot documentaries. The first concentrates on director Peter Moffatt's contribution to the series, and about how he approached directing several different stories. Then you have a piece in which Mark Ayres interviews Paddy Kingsland about composing the music for The Visitation. Finally, writer Eric Saward details his inspiration for the story, and how he came to write it. All three docus are of a very high quality, and none outstay their welcome, whilst still covering their subjects adequately.
Then, of course, we have the now ubiquitous commentary track, this time from the four principals and the director. Also, there's the information subtitles telling us the background of what we are watching, with informative facts. Also a photo gallery and a selection of film trims.
Yet again, the Dr Who Restoration Team have done themselves proud with another great release. With this high quality, you never know, I may even end up actually looking forward to that Planet of the Daleks DVD, whenever that may be out.
Easter Eggs: press left on Writing a Final Visitation.
Oh, and I almost forgot, you get a brief - 2 minutes - appearance from Fred Elliot, I SAY, you get a brief appearance from Fred Elliot. Rating: monkey.
I grew up loathing and detesting the Tory Party. They were figures of hate, to be despised, especially the most loathsome of all; ol' Maggie Thatcher (I still vow that the second I hear of her death the first words to pass my lips will be "Let the joyous news be spread, the wicked old witch at last is dead", before breaking out in song). There were so many figures to hate; Tebbit, Lawson, Hurd. And so on.
I never liked Kinnock, either, mind you, but I digress.
My gut reaction to politicians is not to trust them. The lie, they cheat, they do anything they can to get a hold onto power, and once there to cling on. Even the most idealistic of politicians will eventually turn to "the dark side" (see Tony Blair and tuition fees).
So, why do I find myself adoring Boris Johnson?
I can see the strings, though, and I ignore them. When he appears on programmes like Have I Got News For You or Room 101, he's Bumbling Boris, the Buffoon. Barely coherent, misunderstanding all around him, he is the personification of toffness. Yet in an interview on Steve Wright's Radio 2 show he spoke perfectly eloquently without a hint of that side of his personality. And he must be at least relatively competent; else he wouldn't have persuaded the good people of Henley on Thames to elect him.
So, on the one hand we have the Showman Boris, and the other the Statesman Boris. And even though I know the Showman is just a front for the real Statesman, I can't help but love the fella.
Me, love a Tory. What were the chances…
(I'm still singing that song when she dies, though…)
By Chris Arnsby
Cruellest of all times were those wilderness years between the end of the Star Trek television series and the making of the first Star Trek film. Deforest Kelly made giant rabbit horror flick 'Night of the Lepus', Walter Koenig appeared as Deputy Sheriff in 'Nightmare Honeymoon' and William Shatner appeared in this 1977 "killer spiders will, erm, kill us all!" shocker.
Actually, the first surprise about Kingdom of the Spiders is that it's not all bad. You occasionally get the impression that the cast and director are better than the standard 'nature gone rogue' script but in the end what lets the film down is its obvious low budget and the spiders.
The problem is that spiders are not scary. Well, let me rephrase that. Spiders are creepy, and this film has plenty of 'eww gross' moments as tarantulas are flicked at peoples eyes and run across their hair or down their trousers but the one thing that they can't do is convince you that they are a threat to all that you know and love. As a result there are lots of shots of people screaming hysterically as the tarantulas crawl slowly about on the floor and lots of shots of fake spiders stuck to peoples legs but every time one of the characters says something like," how are we going to get out of this nightmare" -and they say it a lot- it's hard not to shout at the screen," try walking away quite quickly."
Finest of a several great moments in the film (including a farmer saying," that explains the spider hill" well after his prize cow and dog have been diagnosed as dying from spider venom and another cow has gone mad from being attacked by spiders and it's been explained to him several times that spiders never congregate in large enough to kill anything larger than a fly) is when the arachnids attack William Shatner. Now Bill in this film is not bad and anyone expecting one of his hammy performances will be disappointed but two things undermine his manful struggle against the fake spiders stuck on him; plus the real spiders on the floor sensibly running away to hide in the corner. The first is that he writhes in that instantly familiar Captain Kirk way - you know the one he uses when some toga wearing alien points at him and says "pain, Captain"- the other is that the film's stock music score chooses this moment to use the dramatic sting from Monty Python's Spanish Inquisition sketch. No, honestly.
Also, the ending of Kingdom of the Spiders makes no sense whatsoever. You are genuinely left with the impression that the writer just stopped where he was and wrote 'The End' on the script. I think the story is aiming for a 'makes you think, don't it' moment but it actually feels more like one of Futurama's spoof 'Anthology of Interest' shows; all it needs is a booming voiceover proclaiming," you watched it. You can't unwatch it!"
Luckily after this William Shatner was cast as T J Hooker and thus civilisation was SAVED!
Kingdom of the Spiders is available from America on DVD if you dare.
Any sane review of series 1 of Press Gang needs to start with one phrase; Press Gang is the greatest TV series ever made. Because it is. It is one of those shows where everything seems to work perfectly. Superb scripts, great acting, masterful direction. As a show, it cannot be faulted.
As a DVD, however, it can. And it is these criticisms I shall get out of the way first. Press Gang Series 1 is a plain, bare bones DVD. There are no extras of any kind; you don't even get subtitles. There's piles of stuff they could have included; out-takes, deleted scenes ("Apparently the Imperial forces have gathered on the dark side of the moon and kidnapped his dog."), and contemporary interviews. Apparently the reason for this was lack of time. Heck, given the choice between waiting a couple of months and getting extras or getting them sooner, I'd have taken the wait. Apparently, future Series will have extras. Please, please; 33 minute There Are Crocodiles…
The second problem is, in places, the picture. Whereas Disk 1 (episodes 1-7) is pretty damn wonderful, Disk 2 (episodes 8-12), er, isn't. I didn't notice much wrong with the picture at all on Disk 1 - bar film scratches etc - but on Disk 2 there is in places some noticeable MPEG artefacting, even in places with little movement. This is due to Disk 1 being a dual layered disk, and Disk 2 being single layered (thus, less space to fit the episodes on). If only they had both been dual layered with 6 episodes a piece. Still, having said that, even though the picture is imperfect, it's still miles better than any VHS copy.
So, to the positives. The episodes themselves. What we have here is 12 episodes of superb childrens TV (the best children's TV), which doesn't patronise, doesn't preach, just tells damn good stories. Some humourous, some deadly serious, some a mixture (heck even the serious ones have funny moments, which never seem out of place). Picking out highlights is a real difficulty, because there is simply so much here that is wonderful. From the opnener, Page One, which sets up the premise of the whole show perfectly, through One Easy Lesson in which Ade Edmondson proves that he can act and is more than just Vyvyan or Eddie, and the sheer sublime genius that is A Night In, which is the show's first attempt at a character piece. It works perfectly. It's the only episode set solely in the newsroom, during a late turn on the paper. We learn here more about some of the backgrounds of the characters, and there is some sublime underwriting here, allowing points to be made without hammering them home. Oh, and Colin spends the entire episode in a pink rabbit suit.
Give me any one of these 12 episodes and I could tell you what is brilliant about it. We have a very young Sadie Frost in two episodes, we have one of the best treatments of a disabled character anywhere, we have pure farce, we have everything you need to make a great TV show.
And there are many episodes in later seasons that are even better.
Forget about whatever DVDs you were planning to buy, they can wait. What you must now do is go out and buy Press Gang. You will not regret it. And if you do, you are clearly a brain dead monkey with all the sense of a gerbil and wouldn't know great telly if it came up to you, slapped you round the face, gave you a big sloppy kiss and said "I am great telly" 387 times. Are you getting the message as to how great this programme is...?
Giving a rating to this DVD is rather tricky, though. I don't hold with this malarkey that so many zines do giving a separate mark to the feature and the extras. As far as I'm concerned, any rating should cover the whole thing. Which leaves me in a quandary, as I can see how the DVD could be so much better with extras and so on. But as I always try to review what a disk is rather than what it might have been, there can really only be one possible rating; wombat.
#1; Steven Moffatt.
He wrote Press Gang, you know.
with Professor Theydon Bois of the Greater London Science Network (formerly 'move n shake water-aerobics').
Hullo! What a start it's been to the new year. This month I'm pleased to announce that I have received funding for my "gravity shield" project.
As I'm sure you're aware gravity is a powerful repulsive force that emanates from somewhere in space. No one knows where this forces comes from, Einstein though it was generated by something he called the "space" "time" "continuum" (or 'c' as it's better known in his famous theory e=mC2 ).
To get an example of how powerful this repelling or "pushing" force is try this simple experiment. Stand still and simply jump up in the air. See how quickly gravity pushes you back to the floor and holds you there. To get into space back in the 1960s NASA had to make the tremendously powerful Saturn V rockets which generated an amazing 33,600,000 newtons of thrust to overcome this force. To put it in more understandable figures that's enough thrust to fire three blue whales twice the diameter of a football the size of an asteroid and still have enough energy left over to sail the QE II eight times round the Isle of Mann!
Wow. I hear you say. So, gravity's pretty powerful then. What could possibly shield against it? As you'd expect the answer is pretty simple when you think about it. Physics has shown that gravity is linked to magnetism and magnetism is a form of radiation. Radiation can, of course be blocked by lead. So there you have it. Lead will block gravity.
In order to prove this I now have the money to build a giant sphere of lead. Next month my assistant John will climb inside this sphere which will then be pushed off the Eiffel Tower. The lead will block the push of gravity and John will float unharmed inside.
Keep watching the skies!
Around the World With Timmy 2Hedz
In which Timmy 2Hedz and Pristine Christine travel the world. And report back via the medium of "e-mail"…
Part Two: Laos.
Loas was a country that we never intended to go to (to be honest neither of us had heard of it), but as it happens, it's provided us with a pretty good adventure all round... Started off with the debate whether to take the slow boat or the speed boat - everybody said the speed boat was very dangerous, even the guide books said not to go by speed boat, so we took the slow boat. And guess what? The slow boat crashed. We could see by the panic in the Driver's face that something was wrong with his engine, we narrowly missed some rocks at one point, and then half hour later he pulled a slow motion handbrake turn on the river which slammed us sideways into a sandbank. Quite amusing really, and kinda releaved an otherwise boring 8 hour trip.
After hammering his engine for an hour we set off again, and finally got to our half way night stop - as the boat pulled in hoards of evil looking kids and druglords were prowling on the rocks, predators waiting... for us...
As soon as the boat pulls in close enough, the kids jump aboard and then scamper of up the rocks with your bags!!! Luckily they only want paying to carry them up to the top, but no, I'm english and I don't want to pay for something that I haven't agreed to, and if I have to fight an 8 year old then so be it. I won. And didn't pay. We then followed this dodgy geezer to a guesthouse - a real shit hole. We stupidly paid, then decided we didn't want to stay after the guy we paid and his buddies all started laughing and acting like wankers. We couldn't get any money back and after a while the only way forward was to kick the crap out of everyone. I knew a dutch guy called Tommy would back me up, but at the back of our minds we knew we were about to start a fight over about one Pound in English money, in a town that we knew nothing about (except that we'd crawled up some rocks to get here and the next boat didn't leave till morning), so we did the sensible thing and all 8 of us walked away before things got too crazy. Had visions from the film "From Dusk til Dawn". We soon checked into somewhere very nice actually... no vampires at all.
Left in the morning (thank God), and had another 8 hours on the boat of doom. But finally got to Luang Prabang, stayed there for one night only, saw a cool waterfall and went to a funky nightclub. Then caught bus to Vang Vienne. Cool place! Suddenly Laos seemed worthwhile! Very small but very chilled out, the locals were really friendly and the guesthouses all brilliant, a proper bed and hot shower, with Rolf Harris lurking in our toilet at night sorting out any blockages (well, it sounds like him anyway).
We hired some inflatable tubes and floated down the river on them, stopping at bars along the way. I liked it so much that I met up with some of the guys we met back in Pai, and did it again on the last day, leaving Chrissy to happily chill out all day by the river on her own. Being "lads" we stopped at a few more bars along the way, and didn't get back till after dark - very cold!
We were supposed to leave the following morning but when I woke up at 9am, I was still stoned from the night before when we'd all decided to treat ourselves to some special pizza - "happy and funny for you". I think you're supposed to share them though, not have one massive one to yourself, with a special cake for dessert. So instead, we stayed an extra night to recover.
All in all we stayed 6 nights - our longest stay anywhere so far! That's how cool it was.
And I know - DON'T EAT THE CHICKEN!!!! They serve "meat" on the menus here, but won't confirm whether it's pork, chicken or beef... can I eat that instead???
I planned to send some photos from my phone, but those Orange bastards won't let me access any GPRS or WAP facilities so I can't. Will somebody please wander into the Vodafone shop in Cheltenham and find the skinny little shite that said my phone would work all round the world - grab him by the throat and punch him in the eye for me. Cheers.
Oops, just realised I'm late to meet Chrissy from the Hair Butchers, so I'd better be off. Take care peoples and watch out for more in the next issue…
Accrington Stanley Update: The Stan have slipped down to 10th place in the Conference, five places off that elusive play off position. With 11 matches to play (and with three of the top five with games in hand) The Stan are going to have a tough time managing to get into the play offs. It's still possible, though...
Peon of the Month: TicketWeb. The biggest, most useless, utterly shambolic waste of space on the internet. More worthless even than www.worthless.com. I was eagerly anticipating going to see The Pixies on the 2nd and 3rd of June at the Brixton Academy. I was up in time for the tickets to go on sale, but when I ordered from the TicketWeb site the whole thing went toally tits up, and the upshot was that I failed to get any tickets for either date. And on top of that, they billed my credit card three times for an order that didn't exist; and then took four times as long to refund as it did to charge the card. Now call me old fashioned, but all their talk about their servers not coping with the extra demand is just weasel talk; for higly anticipated events, the server and the software should be able to cope. That's its job. It seems every other website selling the tickets managed to do so without problems. If they could do it, why not TicketWeb? By the time I realised that I'd get no joy from TicketWeb, everywhere else had sold out... (In the end, I got tickets for both the extra dates, on June 4th and 5th; bought from a more reliable site, www.aloud,com. Still would love to go on the 2nd, though. If anyone has a spare...)
Music: Very little music in this issue, sorry 'bout that. Best single of the year so far has to be the superb I'm A Cuckoo by Belle and Sebastian. Quite, quite wonderful. There is also a new Jet Johnson single out sometime soon, but I forget what it is, and I can't find the e-mail that told me! Grr! Still, it's one of the tracks off of the wonderful Micropolitan, so is therefore a great single which you must buy.
Tuition Fees: ignoring the rights and wrongs of the issue, the thing that really got my goat about the whole palaver was how the bill got voted through. Had it not been for a bunch of Scottish Labour MPs voting with the government, it would have been defeated. Yet, the bill only applied to England and Wales, and the same legislation had been rejected in Scotland. Hypocrites…
Final Thought #7: was the final entry written by Kenneth Williams in his diary. That night he committed suicide. Yeah, I know, the coroner's verdict was "open", but anyone that's read the diaries knows he topped himself. Digressions… And there was more than one entry. Two! (One was sent by e-mail), so after puttin the names in the hat and drawing one out, last months winner was Jeremy Phillips, who wins a prize. Where is this month's from? And from now on, instead of posting to the thread on the message board, send an e-mail to finalthought@unlimitedricepudding.com.
Red Dwarf IV DVD: no time for a proper review, just to say that it's up to the same standard, presentation wise and extras wise as previous seasons. Episodes range from the okay to the great (RDIV is one of only three seasons without any actual duffers in it). Particular stand out episodes are Dimension Jump with the introduction of Ace Rimmer, what a guy, and the criminally under-rated Meltdown, which is easily the best of the season. You've got deleted scenes, some of which are gems, and some you can see why they were cut. There's a very good documentary about the making of the season, and behind the scenes malarkey. Easter Eggs: 1 - Disc 1, go to the episode select, during the animation, you see a scutter with a video tape, press select when you do so. 2 - in the scene selection menu for DNA, on one of the pages is a picture of a chicken and an egg. Select the egg. 3 - Disc 2, on the Plain Text extras menus, press left on "back". Rating: squirrel.
Coupling: the fourth series will be minus one of its six leads. Richard Coyle, that is Jeff, won't be back. Which is somewhat of a shame, as he's clearly the best character of the lot of them. : (
How Does It Feel To Be Loved: I keep missing it. Best club night around, it is. I meant to go to both the January and February ones, but time, fate or chance prevented it. Next one is on March 19th. Be there or be, erm, somewhere else
Coming in modestic #9: some words and some pictures.
Copyright and all that malarkey…
modestic is © 2003 Ash Stewart. All articles are © to whoever is credited with them. All uncredited items are © Ash Stewart. The address for all correspondence, be it praise, criticism, death threats, missing episode hoaxes, pictures of wombats, articles, anything is this one or alternatively that one...
modestic issue #8 was edited by Ash Stewart and was written by Ash Stewart, Timmy 2Hedz, Chris Arnsby, Professor Theydon Bois and Fatso, the wombat.
Thanks to: no-one.
This e-zine can be forwarded on to whoever you so wish on the proviso that nothing in it is removed, added to, or altered in any way. In fact I positively encourage you to forward it! If you were forwarded this e-zine by a friend and wish to sign up for it yourself go here.
If you no longer wish to receive this e-zine go here Don't go sending me whinging e-mails asking me why I'm sending you "all this crap"; it's 'cos you asked for it, you peon.
Contributions are always welcome for modestic. You can write about exactly what you like. Any subject at all. It does not matter if I agree with what you write or not, if it's well written it goes in. Freedom of speech is one of the cornerstones of modestic, as is change and renewal… Do not feel at all restrained or restricted by the things you have seen so far in modestic; just write about what you know, and It'll slot in seamlessly... Even if what you have in mind is clearly opposite to what I think of something, as long as it's wells written and vaguely coherent, it'll get in
And YES, the ratings system does make sense! So there! (Acutally, I'm thinking of having a different one each issue. Maybe #9 will have one based on cheese.)
You can chat about this issue of modestic on the message board But you won’t.
You can see old back issues of that old fanzine Munching Carpet, if you are at all interested, here... At present you can see Issues #1-3. Issue #4 was supposed to have been up by now. But isn't. It will be some time. Be patient with me...
Issue 9 of modestic may be e-mailed out on March 23rd, but possibly sometime around April 8th. Or maybe even April 23rd. Sometime between these dates anyway. We'll see...
But I'm quite sure it will be even better than this one!
modestic is a free e-zine, for which I have no intention of ever charging. It would be way too much hassle for a start. However, if you should ever feel suitably impressed that you actually want to pay some money for it (not that I think this is at all likely, but stranger things have happened), then you can pay to my PayPal account which is fatso_the_wombat@hotmail.com.
Final thought: "We'll be late for history." "So? Just means there'll be even more history by the time we get there."