The Dr Who special

Contents:

Dr Who Malarkey

The Introductory Spiel.
40 years in 40 Paragraphs. A potted, and biased, history of Dr Who.
Dr Who and an Exciting Adventure with Penguins.
Sad Fan Con. One sad fan. Some videos, beers and a curry...
The Dalek Tin.
Three Doctors DVD.

Regular Malarkey

Red Dwarf Season 3 DVD review.
The Hill and Beyond.
How Does It Feel To Be Loved...?
Gratuitous Wombat Picture.
Cock up corner...
Randomness and Randomosity. All the stuff that doesn't fit anywhere else...
Copyright and all that malarkey...

It was 5.15pm exactly 40 years ago that the Dr Who theme tune was first heard, and we entered a certain junkyard in which a certain humming Police Box stood. Of course, I’m far too young to have seen it when it was first shown, as my first experience of the programme was some 16 years later, on the 1st of September 1979 when I saw for the first time, not only the Doctor in the shape of Tom Baker, but those exterminating pepper pots. I wonder if the five year old me would have contemplated that 24 years later, at the age of 30, I would be sitting down at a computer to write this. Probably would have thought I was a weirdo. Some might say he would have been right.

40 Years in 40 paragraphs

1963 – It all begins. A policeman walks by a junkyard, and some teachers stumble across a Police Box that’s bigger on the inside than the outside. After a corking first episode, we get three episodes of tosh with cavemen. The year ends with someone being scared by an advancing sink plunger.

1964 – and Dalekmania begins as the first Dalek story The Dead Planet, The Daleks, The Mutants or whatever the Hell we’re supposed to call it this week, enthrals an audience that fails to notice that it’s really just a four parter stretched over seven week. Alan Bradley from Coronation Street goes on the run after trying to murder Rita, and disguises himself as Marco Polo. The year ends as it began with more Daleks in The Dalek Invasion of Earth, in a tale that is so dull, I’ve never made it past the first episode.

1965 – Sees, surprise, surprise, more Daleks. Again, The Chase, is quite dull, but at least I managed to make it to episode 2. Just when you think you’ve seen the last of the bvggers, along comes Masterplan, lasting TWELVE episodes. I’ve only seen two of this one as well, but that’s more due to the BBC destroying episodes than any degree of dullness. But it is, though; dull. Oh, and a bunch of husseys called Drahvins crop up. So successful are they, they are never seen again.

1966 – We got the Cybermen for the first time here, as well as the first regeneration as Billy Hartnell gets a bit tired and changes into Patrick Troughton who immediately bumps into, er, The Daleks. Power of the Daleks is ace, though, mainly ‘cos it’s not written by that talentless hack who wrote all the previous ones. Can you imagine how different Dr Who would have been if Tony Hancock hadn't sacked him? Troughton is immediately wonderful. It’s just a shame that YOU will NEVER get to see his debut, ‘cos those lovely people at the BBC destroyed it.

1967 – And Dr Who reaches its zenith in the classic tale, The Underwater Menace. Professor Zaroff is played with wonderful subtlety by Joseph Furst, an actor who should clearly have won a Bafta for his portrayal of the troubled scientist. It’s a tale that has everything you could ever want in a Dr Who adventure; excitement, comedy, great acting, great script, and a wonderful cliffhanger in episode 3’s “Nothing in the world can stop me now!!!” You’ll only ever see episode 3, though, ‘cos the BBC destroyed 1, 2, and 4… Oh, and in this year we also got giant crabs, Polly flashing her knickers, the arrival of Joe Sugden from Emmerdale Farm, Polly flashing her knickers again, some more Cybermen, and a second great Dalek story. But you’ll only ever be able to see episode 2 of the 7 episodes of Evil of the Daleks ‘cos the BBC destroyed them. See a theme developing?

1968 – And there were lots of good tales, of which the BBC, er, destroyed most of, and rubbish like The Dominators, which was, er, kept in its entirety… At least they kept the wonderfully surreal Mind Robber, though, which makes no sense at all. Some say it is all just a dream. But what if The Mind Robber is real, and everything else a dream… Amazingly, there were no Daleks this year.

1969 – And no Daleks this year. Instead we get Krotons, Space Pirates, and Ice Warriors. Oh, and a finale for Troughton that goes on for 10 episodes. The first 8 can be condensed into 2 without losing anything, but the final 2 are just wonderful. A perfect end to the best Doc to date.

1970 – Colour and Worzel Gummidge come to Who. I’ll be honest, I’ve only seen 11 of the 25 episodes of this season, but I swear to you, if the other two seven part tales are as dull, boring and tedious as Spearhead From Space and The Silurians, I’m not bothered in the least. Dull, boring, plodding. YAWN. Did I fall asleep for half an hour? Yes. Did I miss anything relevant? No! Three years, and no Daleks.

1971 – I must confess that I’ve not seen a single complete tale from this year, and so can’t really say anything. The production team were clearly trying not to let the Earthbound nature of these tales get in the way of creativity, as Terror of the Autons has The Master in it, The Mind of Evil has The Master in it, The Claws of Axos has The Master in it, Colony in Space has The Master in it, and The Daemons has, er, The Master in it. Nice to see the team experimenting with their villains throughout this season.

1972 – Begins with the Daleks. In an innovative move, The Master only appears in two of this years five tales. Having only seen one of the these tales, The Sea Devils, I can’t really say much more, other than that one was quite dull, boring and plodding. It’s about this time that the BBC start to destroy old black and white episodes.

1973 – And we get the first celebratory tale in the shape of The Three Doctor, as Pertwee and Troughton team up to defeat Omega, while Hartnell just sits there whinging at them. Amazingly, this season I’ve actually seen four of the five stories. Carnival of Monsters is ace, as is The Green Death, aka the one with the giant maggots made from condoms. Planet of the Daleks, is however, the biggest pile of execrable tosh ever made. In the words of the Comic Shop guy from The Simpsons; “Worst. Story. Ever!”

1974 – Doing this makes me realise how little Pertwee I have actually seen, as I’ve seen nothing of this year at all. Only seven complete stories, and half of The Daemons. In this year we get rubber dinosaurs, Daleks, giant spiders and reversing the polarity of the neutron flow. Probably.

1975 – Ahhh! Tom! And, er, Daleks! A bit of a mixture this year, it’s good, but not that good. Many of the tales that are thought of as “classics” were aired this year, but so many have become tired through repetition, and every hammering on about how great they are. Pyramids of Mars for one, is terribly average.

1976 – More of the same. All this “gothic horror” nonsense. Trouble is Dr Who was NEVER SCARY. Ever. Even when I was five it never bothered me, so anyone that gets scared by the so called “horror” in these episodes is just a big jessie. Brain of Morbius is very good, even though the brain in the jar reminds me of Lister in that episode of Red Dwarf...

1977 – And the arrival of Leela. We get a trio of rather good tales, The Face of Evil, The Robots of Death and the wonderful Talons of Weng-Chiang. Which are all very good, but not scary in the least. At all! Some say this is Tom at his peak, but nah. Not for a couple of years yet… The year ends with a bunch of stories I’ve never seen.

1978 – Again I embarrass myself by admitting I’ve not seen a single episode of this year’s output. A certain Douglas Adams starts writing for the series here. Meanwhile, in Villiers House, a fat record producer manages to stop the BBC from destroying old episodes. If only he’d got there sooner…

1979 – Ah, a good vintage. This year will have a soft spot in my heart always as it was when I started to watch, at episode 1 of Destiny of the Daleks. I was a mere 5 years old, turning six on the day of episode 3. City of Death follows and it’s one of Baker’s best. It’s a year of almost comedy in places, most notably in the tales that come next. Creature from the Pit sees the Doctor menaced by a green moster with an eight foot penis (well it looks like a penis), Nightmare of Eden has the worst monsters so far, and an overacting Don Brennan. Campest of all though, is the classic Horns of Nimon. Best watched when drunk, it’s a fest of campery from beginning to end. Graham Crowden turns his overacting dial to 11. Tom turns his up to 12, ‘cos he doesn’t want to be outdone. And Romana… she looks lovely…

1980 – Only four stories in 1980, and I’ve seen none since they were first shown. I remember Tom as a cactus, but that’s about it.

1981 – But of course, and end to all things, and Tom bows out. Or rather he falls from a great height and turns into a cricket playing vet. But before that there’s stuff about The Master as a statue, E-space (whatever that is), mathematical universes, and Romana and K-9 leaving. I was so sad when they left as a child.

1982 – The vet makes his debut in the weird Castrovalva. The eight year old me used to pretend to be the Doc from this tale, and really believed that they should have cast him in the role. I was young and foolish then. The whole audience cheers as the dinosaurs are wiped out. At least I think it was because of the dinosaurs…

1983 – Another anniversary fest, but Tom can’t be bothered, so is represented by some old footage from a story that was never completed. Hartnell can’t be bothered either; being dead for six years is no excuse. Just sheer laziness. Every tale has a returning villain, but they’re all crap. A single Dalek crops up in the Five Doctors, as do the Cybermen and Yeti; fanw@nk? Nah!

1984 – Starts off with a tale that is just a few degrees away from being a classic. If only the sets were dark grey, with low lighting, Warriors of the Deep would be regarded as a classic. But no, it’s bright white, overlit, and every defect – I’m looking at the Dobbin in particular – sticks out. Shame. We also get more Daleks, and best of all Peri in a bikini. The Vet bows out in one of the programme’s true greats, The Caves of Androzani, which is as close to perfection as who can get. Unfotunately, the next tale, Colin Baker’s first, was about as far from perfection as you can get…

1985 – Bleurgh! Either fanw@nk or tosh. That’s what pretty much everything in this year was. Even the Trout coming back one last time couldn’t save things. Revelation of the Daleks is about the only half decent tale here, and you spend most of you time laughing at Mr Bucket’s terrible terrible wig. Not to mention the Dr’s almost total superfluity to the thing.

1986 – Trial of a Timelord. Guilty as charged, your parsnip!

1987 – Delta and the Bannermen is pretty damn cool, but the rest, I can take or leave. Definitely leave in the case of (waste of) Time and the Rani…

1988 – And things are back on track in a big way. Remembrance of the Daleks is the best Dalek tale since The Trout ones in the Sixties, and at long last shows a Dalek going up some stairs. And about fvcking time! Quite, quite wonderful. How could the rest of the season possibly keep up the high quality? Er, they couldn’t. A few weeks later, Silver Nemesis practically photocopies the plot of Rememberance, but substitutes Cybermen for Daleks, and hopes we don’t notice the similarity. We do.

1989 – The axe falls on Dr Who. The four tales we have here are to be the last for a while. Ghostlight is still confusing to this day. When I watch it, I understand it perfectrly. But as soon as I try to explain it afterwards, my mind locks up, and it once again becomes bewildering. “Somehere else the tea is getting cold…”

1990 – The BBC promises it will bring back Dr Who. It doesn’t.

1991 – The BBC promises it will bring back Dr Who. It doesn’t.

1992 – The Tomb of the Cybermen, a tale which the BBC destroyed, suddenly turns up in Hong Kong. They’d shown it some years before, forgotten to send their copy back to the BBC, discovered they still had it, and sent it back. Good job they were so lax, otherwise if they’d returned it when they were supposed to, it would have been destroyed. Good on you Hong Kong.

1993 – Ah, that rubbish Children in Need sketch. In 1993 we were so desperate for new Dr Who, we even watched rubbish like that.

1994 – Something must have happened.

1995 – Rumours gather over an American revival. David Hasselhoff and a rapping Tardis? Do me a lemon!

1996 – And he’s back. And it’s about time. The Paul McGann effort is screened to a great deal of apathy. Trouble is, despite the fact that McGann was excellent, the script was awful. One of the biggest load of fanw@nky nonsense ever written. Truly dire. Unfortunately the proposed series following on from the movie never happened…

1997 – Not much. Really.

1998 – You can see the tumbleweed…

1999 – Still no sign of more Dr Who… I'm sure something exciting must have happened, but I just cannot think what. Oh, hang on, wasn't this the year we all got really exited 'cos Episode 1 of The Crusade turned up in New Zealnad? Oh, for the halcyon days of the 80s when previously missing episodes were turning up left right and centre...

2000 – The Curse of Fatal Death shows how to do a proper charity Dr Who spoof. It’s written by Steven “Press Gang” Moffett, and is quite wonderful. It takes the mickey out of the show perfectly, and features a wonderful cast, including not only the lovely Julia Sawalha, but also Richard E Grant as the Doc… Now there’s an idea…

2001 – Still no new Dr Who, but at least there’s the wonderfully restored DVDs to keep us happy.

2002 – The first use of VidFIRE on the DVDs, a process which restores the film look of the Black and White episodes to their original video tape look. The results are truly stunning, and make what were previously ropy looking prints look almost as if they were taped yesterday.

2003 – The 40th birthday of the show sees a flurry of activity. We get half a dozen pretend Doctors in Big Finish’s Unbound series, which include the likes of David Warner and, FMH, Derek Jacobi. Then we get the announcement of an official, proper ninth Dr in the BBCi webcast Scream of the Shalka, in the shape of Richard E Grant. Shalka also features Derek Jacobi in a cameo as The Master… Then, just when we think the news isn’t going to get any better, the news comes through that the BBC is in the early stages of a new, proper series of Dr Who, to be written and exec-produced by Russell T Davies. Many Dr Who fans literally wet their pants in excitement. Hence the floods in some parts of the country in late September… Of course it will lead to a mountain of speculation as to who will take over the lead role... Just let it be someone decent, and preferably, someone totally unexpected...

Dr Who and an Exciting Adventure with Penguins

By Chris Arnsby

With the 40th Anniversary of Doctor Who now upon us a lot of magazines and cash-in books (sorry “a large format lavishly illustrated book that stretches to an amazing 400 beautifully designed pages “) are available which gives us fans a wealth of information. We now know what Davros’ inside leg measurement was and what would have happened if Peri had been grabbed by the Morloxs. However, the one vital thing we do not know is this: if you were organising an expedition to the North Pole, which of the Doctor’s incarnations would be the best to take with you? It was to fill this information gap that this article was written. Eight separate expeditions to the North Pole were commissioned each taking along a different Doctor. A summary of the findings of each expedition is listed below along with a pointless graph for comparison.

DOCTOR ONE: The oldest and crotchiest of the Doctors. He showed his age by refusing to allow us to take along modern clothing. Thus the expedition members had to walk shivering to the North Pole clad in ‘Edwardian’ era clothing which had a tog rating of 0.5 (about the same as a chiffon body stocking). When people complained about the cold he would walk up to them and say,” ah, is your body wearing a bit thin?” No one knew what this meant.

DOCTOR TWO: Worries about clothes were satisfied when he arrived wearing a sensible fur coat. However on day twenty the party was attacked by a polar bear. Doctor Two proved to be useless when he simply ran off shouting,” oh my goodness!”. Constant recorder playing also proved to be irritating.

DOCTOR THREE: Venusian Karate proved to be surprisingly useful in fending off Polar Bears, Sharks and other expeditions to the North Pole. However someone called ‘The Master’ who described himself as the Doctor’s nemesis kept sabotaging the expedition and using some sort of gun that killed party members by shrinking them. At first this was irritating but shrunken corpses of party members turned out to make excellent novelty treats for the huskies.

DOCTOR FOUR: Initial impressions were good however suspicion soon grew that this incarnation of the Doctor was fueled by neat gin. On day two he announced that rather than a standard husky he wanted his sledge to be pulled by “a talking cabbage or an old woman.” Day six bought claims that the expedition had, ”magnificent buttocks” and finally on day twenty four he spent the night outside after being unable to think of a way to enter the tent, ”interestingly”.

DOCTOR FIVE: This Doctor’s sense of self-sacrifice was expected to be useful in the event of disaster. However rather than waiting until the food ran out before telling us he was,” just popping outside for a minute,” Doctor Five could not wait to cash his chips in. Every comment along the lines of, “ooh, it’s a bit nippy,” or “I’ve got pins and needles” would be met by him jumping up and trying to go outside to do the honorable thing. In the end, sick of this, the expedition was forced to tie him up and drag him behind the sledge, which wasted valuable time.

DOCTOR SIX: Confirmation that this was the most violent of the Doctor’s incarnations came when he ripped off a Walrus’ head and did something unspeakable down it’s neck. As the largest of the Doctors he would probably be useful if falling temperatures forced you to gut someone and climb inside their carcass for warmth.

DOCTOR SEVEN: The most mysterious of the Doctors caused problems when he took all the maps and refused to let anyone else see them, preferring instead to claim that he knew what he was doing. On day thirty Doctor Seven led three party members to their deaths in a crevasse. He attempted to claim that this was justified and that sacrifices had to be made in the fight against, ”evil from the dawn of time.”

DOCTOR EIGHT: Often described as ‘the prettiest’ of all the Doctors he certainly turned out to be the vainest. The expedition fell badly behind schedule because of his habit of gazing at his reflection in ice flows and stroking his hair. On day nineteen he stood up and announced,” these boots.... they fit perfectly”. We threw a snowball at him and told him to fvck off.”

Wildcard Doctors: Not subject to the test criteria here is a rough guide to other incarnations of the Doctor that you may wish to take with you.

The Valeyard: not recommended. Being ‘utterly evil’ he will spend all his time trying to kill you.
Peter Cushing: Useful if you are attacked by Dracula (note: this is unlikely in the Arctic).
Madam Tussaud’s wax model of the fourth Doctor: Only useful if the real one decides not to come at the last minute.

Figure One: Pointless Graph For Comparison

Recommendations: If you must take one of the Doctors on your Arctic expedition then we recommend Doctor Five. Not only will he be the first one to make the supreme sacrifice but there is also a chance he will ask his assistant Peri along. This will give you a chance to ask her if she knows that the best cure for hypothermia is to climb naked into a plastic bag with someone.

NEXT ISSUE: which is the best Doctor Who monster to take on a journey to the Earth’s core?

Sadfancon 1

one man, a curry, four Doctors and a whole lot of beer…

By “Rob Black”

Further to the suggestions given to me by my good friends on the Fantastic Furst Forum, and in tribute to the glorious 40th™ (for which I am unable to attend the main London Convention; no, not Panopticon, Fursticon, round at The Palace of Amdo) I spent Friday night engaged in a slog through a whole swathe of Who action. What follows is a chronological report, as jotted down in an increasingly unsteady hand…

2000 - Where better to start the evening than with a slice of season 1? A call to the local curry house suggests a delivery time of 50 minutes – just long enough to squeeze in The Edge of Destruction.

2005 - (Beer 1) This is the first 60’s Who sans VidFIRE I’ve watched in ages, and I’m missing it. Where’s my fluid motion, dammit? That said, the music is good and Bab’s leather trousers are suitably daring.

2012 - I always think very fondly of Susan until I start to watch one of her stories and remember how awful she can sometimes be – her ‘zombie’ acting in this is just rubbish. Resist the urge to turn the sound down and just watch her sashaying about…

2015 - Still not figured out how to close the doors on cue have they? Door one starts, then the prop guy on the other side wakes up and starts frantically pushing, by which time the first chap has slowed down to let him catch up. Yay!

2020 - "It could hide in one of us" is actually quite creepy, possibly because I’ve just watched Carpenter’s The Thing. Would have been more fun than the way the story actually pans out.

20:25 – Just as Ian prepares to launch himself at poor Billy, the curry arrives. Huzzah! Afficionados will not that I have plumped (literally) for the full works – rice, nan, veggie side dish. Yummy…

20:41 - (Beer 2) Isn’t Hartnell having a nightmare in this one? It might just be the bandana, but he’s loopier than a bag of overheated polecats...

20:45 - The first instance of what will be a common theme for the night – rubbish technology. I know I complain about the Windows ‘blue screen of death’ sometimes, but if it chose to alert me to a fault by melting my watch and sending homicidal teenagers out to knife me, I’d be tempted to ditch the PC. Wht can’t the ship just flash up a "release button stuck" message on the scanner screen if it’s so damn smart?

2051 - Who’s educational background gets a look-in. Hartnell’s bonkers piece about planetary physics is OK, but there’s then a looooong bit of him explaining how and why a switch can sometimes get stuck down! Was Verity trying to inspire future sparkies? Off!

2103 - As suggested by fellow Furst Forumer Maaga, who is evil (and is really a fat balding estate agent from Cheam called Anthony, and not really a Drahvin warrior), I switch to Colin, and Trial 13-14. Cod that theme is awful, isn’t it?

2107 - In line with my responsibilities when the girlf is out, I’m joined on the sofa for this ep by the house guinea pigs. So it’s them that I initially blame for the sudden high pitched squeaking noise – until I look up and see Bonnie swanning onto screen. You’ll pay for this, Maaga…

2111 - Actually, I quite like the background story in this episode – lots of Gallifreyan conspiracy theory and a big over-arching story. I also like that it leads into a full-scale revolution, which is only reported in passing – a rare example of budgetary limitations adding a nice wider angle to the plot.

2112 - (Well into beer 3) Why the hell would the Doctor drag Glitz into the Matrix with him? He’s proven himself to be an untrustworthy bastard, who’ll happily kill anyone to save his neck. surely he could have just had him cough up any necessary info before they went in – or better still asked Anthony Ainley in his little sparkly screen. Maybe he just wants someone else to act as cannon fodder, in Trek ‘away team’ style…

2113 - There is, of course, no reason for this jaunt into Victorian London, but it looks really snazzy, so I’ll let it go. And all the scenes with Popplewick are really nicely played, in contrast to the awful Gallifreyan dialogue.

2120 - "How utterly evil!" A rolled up curry takeaway bag rebounds of the screen in the general area of Bonnie’s head…

2126 - Colin’s hair goes bonkers on the beach scenes – looks like he’s had half his head stoved in with a shovel….

2129 - Pip and Jane Baker take over scripting duties. Oh dear.

2130-2158 - (Beers 4-5 drank to kill time) Various contrivances occur until the Matrix blows up. Or something like that. Spend time contemplating ways to exact revenge on the Drahvin. Worth the effort (just about) to hear Ainley decribed as a 'second-rate adversary' and see his non-more bling box of trinkets. Continuing the theme – do TARDISes not have any kind of firewall/virus busting technology? It seems not – stick a bit of dodgy software in the machine and it not only freezes up, but forces you to stick to the wall and talk reaaaallly slowly. Norton Utilities ahoy!

And crikey – I’ve seen this a few times, but only just noticed that in that flashback of Peri and Ycarnos, that pink fuzzy outline around them is in the shape of a heart. Which is officially the gayest thing to happen in any Who story, in any medium. I challenge anyone to say otherwise…

2205 - Handily, I just started watching Sontaran Experiment the other week, so there’s just one episode to kill to get another Doc out of the way.

2206 - Why does Sarah assume it’s Linx in the spaceship, for chrissakes? She knows he’s been exploded. And I know they’re meant to be clones, but this one doesn’t even look that much alike! I mean, you don’t see her wittering on in Genesis about "But Mr Dalek, didn’t your head explode in Death to the Daleks? I don’t understand!" Dimwit…

And it’s a pants cliff-hanger anyway – you only saw a Sontaran last season. The story has ‘Sontaran’ in the title. What were viewers expecting as the helmet came off? Russell Crowe? Basil Brush?!?!

2207 - Top marks for Styre’s perving though. Sarah is indeed "Far more interesting" than a bunch of hairy South Africans…

2227 - Tom defeats the Sontaran menace without breaking a sweat. Not his most taxing adventure… Mind you, it could have been trickier if Styre’s spaceship had some kind of failsafe that didn’t allow you to plug yourself in with half the components missing. Who technology, I tells ya…

2228 - (Slowing down in beer 6) Not sure If I’ll make it through, but it has been requested, so launch into the Dominators.

2229 - Rubbish print. Looks like someone wrapped chips in it.

2230 - I just can’t take Rago seriously any more, since the Furst Forum revealed his darker side… Still, those Quark things are being held back for a reveal, so they’re obviously quite scary…

2235 - Poor old Cully. Nobody wants him along for the trip. A bunch of tanned young Adonises (Adonii?) and one overweight accountant in training. Actually, come to think of it, Cully is plump, balding, sarcastic and not much of a hit with the ladies. And they attack the Whizzkid for being a bad parody of a Who fan…

2237 - It all looks quite expensive actually. I like the melting face effect of the death rays, and that capsule explosion is far meatier than I was expecting – compare that to the naff showers of sparks you get in the 80s.

2240 - No wonder Rago has so much success with the ladies – all the Dulcian girls are hot totty, and all the men seem to be in their late 50s.

2250 - Quark attack! Oh….. Dear…..

(Timekeeping becomes increasingly erratic after this point)

Pat and Frazer’s double act in episode 2 is superb. Leave Zoe behind, you two. What good is she anyway?

Lots of scenes of the Dominators bitching about whether to use the Quarks for some ass-kicking, or whether to save their energy. Why not just pack some extra batteries? Call that an advanced civilisation? How the Dominators managed to master one galaxy is beyond me, stopping every five minutes for those damn robots to catch their breath and have a fag. Rubbish! The episode ends with Toba telling the Quarks to shoot something.

2315-0055 - The events of episode 2 are repeated in a random order each subsequent episode until Pat gets bored and blows up the Dominators. I battle exhaustion.

0100 - Beers consumed; 7, plus one coffee as the Dominators’ narcoleptic qualities started taking effect.

Things I’ve learned:

Never run with scissors
Never even approach a single piece of machinery in the Who world without an instruction leaflet, a full system-restore pack, and full health insurance.
When buying robot monsters, find a model that can be charged from mains supplies.
Never trust the tastes of a Drahvin.

The Dalek Tin

The latest in the ongoing series of audio releases of the missing (destroyed) stories of Dr Whois here, and it’s the two best Dalek tales, Power of the Daleks and Evil of the Daleks.

Power of the Daleks is not only the best Dalek tale, but was also the viewers first chance to see Patrick Troughton in the role. The opening scene in the Tardis as Ben and Polly come to terms (or not) with the Dr’s change is wonderful, and set a high benchmark that none of the subsequent regenerations really lived up to. The story itself is masterfully told, with the Daleks at their most cunning. Their creator, Terry Nation, wasn’t too fond of this one, as in places it shows Daleks as being subservient to humans, and according to him a Dalek would never do that. This is of course missing the point, as the Daleks are only being subservient for their own needs. The slow build up, and gradual realisation as to what the Daleks are up to is great; the sense of mystery as to why the Daleks are acting as the human’s servants is perfectly paced. For once, a six part tale doesn’t feel over stretched. It does make you feel a little frustrated that all you’ll ever actually see of the story is a handful of tiny clips, though, as this was one of those stories the BBC destroyed in the 70’s. The narration is first rate, also, the script never interferes with the action, and is performed wonderfully by the lovely Anneke Wills.

Also destroyed was The Evil of the Daleks, as today only one episode of the seven exist on film. It was intended to be the last ever Dalek tale, and if it had turned out to be so, it would have been a perfect end for the pepper-pots (in the end, of course, they came back many times, only once with a story up to the sheer qaulity of the Trouts). It's rather more epic in scale than Power, whereas that took place in just one colony, here we get 60s London, Victorian era London, and a final conclusion on the Daleks' home planet, Skaro. Evil really doesn't feel like seven episodes, unusually for a tale of such length, it seems much shorter. As with Power, it was written by David Whittaker, so one can safely assume this lack of padding is entirely down to his skill as a writer. The finale on Skaro is particularly impressive, and really make you wish they'd kept this one and burnt The Dominators instead. Split milk, though...

The quality of the sound on these episodes is quite marvellous; especially when you consider that the source material is recordings made by Dr Who fans in their living rooms as the episodes were originally broadcast. These recordings have been remastered and restored by Mark Ayres of the Dr Who Restoration Team, and he has performed miracles. One scene in particular in Evil stands out. The original scene had a song by the Beatles playing in the background. Permission to use this song was refused, and so the Beatles song had to be removed. The easy option – and the one used when Evil was released on cassette some ten years ago – would have been to snip the scene out. Ayres rightly decided this was an unwise option, and so he spent a great deal of time unpicking the dialogue from the background noise, and replacing the Beatles song with another. That you would not even notice this change if it wasn’t there is a testament to his skill.

As a bonus, also included is the radio documentary, My Life as a Dalek. It’s a brief – half hour – overview of the phenomenon of the Daleks. Intersting in places, but really tells you nothing that you don’t already know. Well, that is if you’re an obsessive anorak. If you are relatively new toDr Who, or only have a passing interest, it will be rather more fascinating. Oh, but Jo Grant didn’t appear in Playboy nude with a Dalek; it was Girl Illustrated…

Overall, this is a truly great set. An average documentary, and two of the finest tales in Dr Who's history. It's an essential purchase, really, and the best in the range so far. At least until The Underwater Menace is unleashed (oh, how I hope that it's Anneke doing the narration...). Rating: phoenix.

The Three Doctors DVD

It arrved in the nick of time for a review on the same day this is to be e-mailed out. Worries over whether or not I'd get the limited edition with the toy car (yeaah, I know, I'm sad...) were allayed as soon as the postman handed me the parcel. The Three Doctors was the opener to the tenth season of Dr Who, and in the spirit of Ronseals "It does exactly what it says on the tin" motif, it features the three doctors who had played the role at that point teaming up against a really nasty villain, and some big red blobs. I'll always have a soft spot for the Three Doctors, it may not be the greatest story of all, but it is a fun way for the programme to celebrate its tenth birthday (sadly, the celebrations for each subsequent decade never quite lived up to this one). You get Troughton and Pertwee bickering, with a crotchety Hartnell acting like an old school master in his brief time on screen, and the whole thing is just... fun. (I may have mentioned "fun" before...) The restoration done is very impressive, unintended jolts and judders are removed, and the picture cleaned up a treat.

There is a wealth of extras. An extract from Pebble Mill shows Bernard Wilkie demonstrate special effects, and monster designing (the latter of which he humbly states has little to do with him!), and a rare interview with Patrick Troughton. Troughton does appear somewhat nervy throughout, as if he's really not enjoying himself, though.

The legendary Blue Peter 10th anniversary tribute is here, and is a rather better tribute to the show than their recent 40th anniversary "tribute". Only goes to show how dumbed down kids TV is these days... We get a rather impressive overview of the show to date, with many clips, including the only extant broadcast quality footage of the Hartnell/Troughton regeneration. Also, there's Jon Pertwee and Peter Purves doing a very good Top Gear style analysis of the WhoMobile! It's all t-chassis and MPG and all that stuff.

Also, there's extracts from BSB's Who At 31 celebreations, which were used as an introduction to their screening of the 3 Drs; these are quite brief, at about 3 minutes a piece and include chats with Petwee, Terrance Dicks and writers Bob Baker & Dave Martin. Rather more substantial is the 30 minutes of interview footage from Panopticon 30, with Pertwee, Katy Manning (in an incredibly short skirt) and The Brig. Now, I'm sure I saw this panel when I was actaully at the convention, but aside from Pertwee arriving on stage in Bessie, I have no memory of it at all! It was as if I was watching something I'd never seen before. Curse me and my failing memory!!! It is very entertaining, though, and with any luck, more such extracts will be on future DVDs. I'm thinking in particular here of Tom's bit...

Easter Eggs: none.

And you get a lot of the usual stuff as well, there's trailers, both from the original screening and from the Five Faces season, photo gallery, information text and a commentary featuring Katy Manning, The Brig and Barry Letts. All in all it's a very polished package, and yet another top notch DVD production by the Restoriation Team, which is well up to the high benchmark they have set with previous releases. Rating: cerberus.

Red Dwarf Season 3 DVD

I remember when Season 3 of Red Dwarf first aired. I loathed it with a passion. I hated that Norman Lovett had gone. I couldn’t stand Kryten. I hated Rimmer’s new gear. I hated all the episodes. In fact the only thing I liked was the new officer’s quarters set. Much better than the old one. Time passed, and I grew to like Kryten, and once I’d accepted that Norman wasn’t there, I grew to like the episodes. Even though sometimes as Hattie reads the lines you can almost imagine Norm speaking them; especially the wonderful “The thing about space…” spiel from Marooned.

Season 3 is a cross-over season. It’s a halfway house between the more character based comedy of the first two seasons, and the more sci-fi based comedy of latter seasons. There is great stuff here, and there is also tripe. This is most noticeable in the season opener, Backwards. It starts off with a pair of wonderful scenes; the glorious conversation between The Cat and Lister about having sex with Wilma Flintsone, and Rimmer teaching Kryten to pilot Starbug. But then as soon as they get to the backwards universe it all goes to pot, as there is way too much reliance on the “things happening backwards” joke. Marooned is next, and is without doubt the best of the Season, as it takes Red Dwarf to the ultimate expression of its original concept; Steptoe and Son in space. Two people trapped in a situation together with no apparent way out. The interplay between Rimmer and Lister is wonderful, and although the script does get emotional, it never gets over-sentimental. There’s literally only one way this episode could have been better, and I think you can work out what that is. Second best episode ever, I reckon. The rest of the season is a mixed bag. Polymorph sometimes I like, other times I wish it had never been made. Bodyswap is okay. Timeslides pretty good. The Last Day is superb.

Of course, being a DVD there are piles of extras, there’s the obligatory commentary, but I really can’t help but wish that they had the writers in on these. Sometimes actors aren’t always the best people to have commentating. There’s an 80 minute documentary which goes into the making of the Season in quite some detail. There’s all the other bits and bobs we’ve come to expect, music cues, raw model shots, Smeg Outs, talking book chapters, photo gallery, and a huge pile of deleted scenes, about an episode’s worth. Most of which were clearly removed with good reason… Most surreal extra is Backwards – Forwards, which is the episode Backwards shown, er Backwards, so that you can see all the reverse stuff happening forwards. Most of it’s pretty inconsequential, and the only significant bit of backwards dialogue – Arthur Smith’s rant – was on one of the Smeg Outs tapes anyway. Still, you’ll watch it at least once…

Easter Eggs; 4 of the things. 1 – an extra model shot is at the end of the Marooned credits. 2 – on Disc one, go to the episode select screen, place the cursor on the main menu option, wait a while and a Polymorph comes on screen. When it changes to a rabbit, press down and select the Polymorph. 3 – on the extras menu on Disc 2, put the cursor on Back, wait for the Polymorph to change into a rabbit, and press down. 4 – in the photo gallery, skip to the first of the Starbug design sketches (in “Models & Covers”) and press up…

Overall, it’s a very good pair of DVDs. The main feature is ace, (most of) the extras are worthwhile. In all, if you like Red Dwarf at all, you really should take the plunge and buy it. Even if you have the VHSs. But buy Seasons 1 & 2 first, yeah? They’re the best. Rating: rabbit.

The Hill and Beyond

Childrens Television Drama – an Encyclopaedia.

This has been out quite a while, now, but I’ve only recently managed to track down a copy in a shop. I was reluctant to buy it over the interweb, as such TV guides will either be great or rubbish, and until I’d had a flick through this one, I didn’t know what it would be. I set it two tasks.

Running Scared; a surpisingly detailed entry, a page and a half, with a suprising amount of information and a suitably detailed cast list.

Press Gang; told me nothing I didn’t already know in the two and a half page entry, but then I am a Press Gang anorak. The review ends; “The best children’s series ever made? Just maybe.” Which was enough for me...

And so I bought it. And in flicking through it brought back so many memories, The Machine Gunners, Moodial, Aliens in the Family, Baker Street Boys, Chocky. So many. The entry on Grange Hill is quite wonderful, probably the longest in the book. I found out some things I never knew; for one I’d always thought there was just the one season of Tucker’s Luck, but there were three. Also, that a certain Russell T Davies used to write Chucklevision…

It’s quite a wonderful book. The level of detail does vary, though, especially with some of the older stuff that no longer exists. I’ve only really scratched the surface in reading it. I’ve dipped in and out, and looked for particular shows. Rating: elephant.

How Does It Feel To Be Loved?

The stars are bright tonight. Far above as we make the walk from Brixton Tube Station to the Canterbury Arms, they bathe us with their slight glow. Or maybe that’s the streetlights.

En route we see not one, but two Police Snatch Wagons. They can’t be expecting that much trouble from a club night that plays a mixture of indie, c86, twee, Sarah & Motown, surely? Of course, I later found out that there was a Police Station nearby…

I had been meaning to go for quite some time, but never quite managed it, but the night on November 7th leapt out and said “You must go tonight”, as the guest DJs were Rob and Amelia of Heavenly (you must remember them; best band this country has ever produced…)

The Canterbury Arms is not the usual HDIFTBL venue, as this was a first, experimental one off “south of the river event”. We found the pub easy enough, and strode confidently in the front door to see a bunch of people sat at tables supping boozes. We look around for this dancefloor and glitterball that are supposed to be there, but nothing. Without us saying a word, the barman says “you want the side door, go out and turn left.” Obviously such things happen all the time.

And yes, we pay our £3 and walk in. It’s very early so there are few people there, and none brave – or drunk – enough to be dancing yet. As we order our drinks, a familiar sound comes out of the speakers. It takes a second to sink in. It’s Emma’s House by The Field Mice. I grin like a loon. Any club that plays Emma’s House within a minute of me walking through the door has to be great. I did hope they would play Atta Girl, though…

So we drink, and talk nonsense, and meet up with friends. And drink more, and talk more, and make tentative moves over to the dance floor. Then Amelia plays her set, which unfortunately is beset by technical problems, in that one of the speakers packs in for a while. But really it matters not a jot, we’re all having too much of a good time to worry about it.

The night goes on, and Amelia finishes and leaves. And still I hope that Atta Girl gets a spin. I knew Amelia wouldn’t play it; who would be egotistical enough to play their own records? I’m never any good at requesting songs, though, so I get at least two people to request it for me. But my endeavours bear fruit, as I hear the opening bar or two, and whosh, I’m there. I’m dancing for all my life is worth. For four minutes, I’m in Heaven. In my mind I danced with the style and panache of John Travolta in Staurday Night Fever, but I'm quite sure it was more like the embarrassing dad from The Mary Whitehouse Experience. Then it ended, but there was no time to slacken off, as then it was Crash, by the Primitives.

It was a wonderful evening, which seemed to go by at such a rapid pace. 2am arrived far too soon. I could have stayed there all night. I will go back again. It’s too good a club not to. The best club in the world? Probably.

You can see photos from the night here. Bonus Points if you can find me in any of the photos. There are enough clues in this piece for you to work it out… [Note; Bonus Points not applicable to anyone that knows me…!]

The next HDIFTBL is on Decmber 19th at its regular venue, The Buffalo Bar and features guest DJs Matt & Claire of Sarah Records fame playing a set featuring no Sarah Songs. I’ll be there…

Gratuitous Wombat Picture

#6 - Two wombats. Walking. That is all.

Cock Up Corner

Because mistakes happen…

* The Accrington Stanley update was missing from #5. Fear not, although this is a Dr Who special, the update will be in this month’s!
* Due to an unclosed HTML tag, the last issue appeared entirely in bold.

If you spot any cock ups in this issue (or any previous issue), just e-mail me, and I’ll pop it in the next Cock Up Corner…

Randomness and Randomosity

Accrington Stanley Update: on December 6th, The Stan play Bournemouth in the second round of the FA Cup. I’m not too optimistic of a Stan victory as Bournemouth are two divisions higher than they are, but I really do want them to win as if they do manage to get to the third round, that’s when all the top teams come into it. Imagine Accrington Stanley vs Man Utd… Best of all, though, I’ll be there in Bournemouth cheering them on. Not only will this be the first time I’ve seen The Stan Play, it’ll be the first ever football match I’ve been to.

Worst. Ever. Cover version: Fairytale of New York, by Ronan Keating and Maire Brennan. I mean FOR FVCKS SAKE; “You scumbag you maggot, you’re cheap and you’re haggard.” WHAT THE CVNTING BVGGERY FVCK? IT DOESN’T FVCKING RHYME!!! THOSE AREN’T THE LYRICS. YOU BIG HAIRY WIMPS!!! GRRRRRRRRR!!!!!! And Ronan; he can’t sing a scuzzy part like that, he’s too nice. You can’t imagine him in the drunk tank, or gambling, or any of the other things that Shane slurs. He tries to sing tough, and fails miserably. Gimp. And that Maire ain’t a patch on the lovely Kirsty.

Missing Episodes: I did think of writing a piece on the missing/burnt/destroyed/skipped/buried episodes for this issue, but I've already written something and I'd just have ended up repeating myself...

Amplifier. Sampler CD: Initial impressions are good. The Consultancy starts off very well, amiable enough rock music. Then the lyrics start and it’s really quite average. Not bad. But then not great. UFOs is better, almost prog rock in scope, lasting 7 ½ minutes. Builds to an epic conclusion. The more I listen, the more I am growing to like them. One Great Summer is better still. I like that they’re not following the herd and trying to ape The Strokes or The White Stripes like so many other bands at the moment. The last track is Motorhead; a tribute to Lemmy and co, I wonder? As a sampler of their first album, this does show great promise. It’s far from perfect, but it does have that certain spark. Rating: puppy.

Amplifier are supporting Therapy on their current UK tour. Hear them for yourself at the following venues (assuming tickets haven’t sold out…) November 24th Norwich Waterfront, 25th London Astoria, 26th Portsmouth Wedgewood Rooms, 28th Glasgow Garage, 29th Nottingham Rock City, 30th Wolverhampton Wulfrun, December 1st Preston The Mill, 2nd Leeds Cockpit, 3rd Newport TJ’s.

The Big Read: you are all voting for Catcher in the Rye, right? I mean, we have to do something to stop the Lord of the Rings or Harry Potter from winning...

Criticism of modestic is good: especially when it is done like this piece about #5. If you ever feel like commenting on modestic please feel free to do so! I do like to read any comments on the zine...

modestic FAQ: there now is one... If there's anything you'd like answered, pose your question on the message board.

Note on Swears: you will note that I’m using an “I Claudius” spelling of fvck. This is not due to me being a censor, it’s ‘cos many people get this zine in their work e-mails, and some have swears filters.

Blimey: all this in just a month! Maybe a monthly modestic is possible after all... I'll need even more writers, though... (hint, hint...)

Final Thought: absolutely no-one got last months. No-one even attempted it. Must have bee a tad too hard. This month's is much easier... Post your answer on the Final Thought thread on the Message Board.

Coming next month in modestic #7: stuff. I dunno. Wait and see, yeah…?

Copyright and all that malarkey…

modestic is © 2003 Ash Stewart. All articles are © to whoever is credited with them. All uncredited items are © Ash Stewart. The address for all correspondence, be it praise, criticism, death threats, missing episode hoaxes, pictures of wombats, articles, anything is this one or alternatively that one...

modestic issue #7 was edited by Ash Stewart and was written by Ash Stewart, Chris Arnsby, “Rob Black” and Fatso, the wombat.

Thanks to: Infected for the Amplifier CD.

This e-zine can be forwarded on to whoever you so wish on the proviso that nothing in it is removed, added to, or altered in any way. In fact I positively encourage you to forward it! If you were forwarded this e-zine by a friend and wish to sign up for it yourself go here.

If you no longer wish to receive this e-zine go here

Contributions are always welcome for modestic. You can write about exactly what you like. Any subject at all. It does not matter if I agree with what you write or not, if it's well written it goes in. Freedom of speech is one of the cornerstones of modestic, as is change and renewal… Do not feel at all restrained or restricted by the things you have seen so far in modestic; just write about what you know, and It'll slot in seamlessly... Even if what you have in mind is clearly opposite to what I think of something, as long as it's wells written and vaguely coherent, it'll get in

And YES, the ratings system does make sense! So there!

You can chat about this issue of modestic on the message board But you won’t.

You can see old back issues of that old fanzine Munching Carpet, if you are at all interested, here... At present you can see Issues #1-3. Issue #4 was supposed to have been up by now. But isn't. It will be some time. Be patient with me...

Issue 7 of modestic will be e-mailed out on December 23rd. In theory. But I expect it will be a few days early, 'cos the 23rd is just that little it too close to Christmas. Expect it around the 18th. A slimmed down, but just as entertaining, edition...

And I'm quite sure it will be even better than this one!

modestic is a free e-zine, for which I have no intention of ever charging. It would be way too much hassle for a start. However, if you should ever feel suitably impressed that you actually want to pay some money for it (not that I think this is at all likely, but stranger things have happened), then you can pay to my PayPal account which is fatso_the_wombat@hotmail.com.

Final thought: you have nothing to live up to.