Contents:

Editorial ramble
Laura Sadler
A Favourie Bands Theory
Talons of Weng Chiang
Prisoners, The Lot of Us
It's the end, but...
Enterprise
David's Guide to Tube Lines
Neighbours DVDs
How To Be Bad
Ramdomness and Randomosity
End Gumph

This is the 33rd fanzine I have produced. It’s not a significant number. Not really. Well, only in that 33rpm is the speed that LPs used to play at. You remember LPs, don’t you? Big 12” vinyl discs that were oh so easy to scratch, but oh so beautiful to listen to.

You’d think that after 33 issues of fanzine making I’d have it all sussed by now. I haven’t, of course, I’m sure you’ll be able to tell this as you read this zine.

To be honest, I never wanted to do an e-zine. Given the choice, I’d do a paper zine in a shot. Something you can take any place with you. Something you can read on the train on your way to work, college, uni, school, the dole, the zoo, the wombat sanctuary, The Dog and Duck, wherever it is you spend your days. Unless you’re a rich gimp with a laptop or a swish pda, you can’t really read this anywhere but at a desk. Unless you print it off…

But the truth is that doing an e-zine is much less hassle. With a couple of hours of HTML encoding you can get a fairly presentable zine. It’s just one big long page, no fiddling about with articles swapping from page to page as you try to get each fitted as best you can. No annoying white space that you just have to fill. Just ease. Convenience.

And more readers. This e-zine at present is received by more than 3 times as many people as ever bought the best selling of my paper zines. Mind you how many people actually read it I don’t know. I do sometimes wonder if there are swathes of people out there that just get the e-mail, think “oh, this shite again” and just delete it straight away. A fair few people, I’d guess. Just one plea to such people; if you don’t want the zine, please take yourself off the list. Ta!

So few people tell me they like it. Or hate it. Or are indifferent to it.

But I do love zines.

My favourite zine Ever is this old zine from about ten years ago. It was called, appropriately enough, The Zine, and was essentially a fanzine done “professionally”. Contributions from readers on anything and everything. You genuinely did not know what each coming issue would bring. The trouble was that it never came out on time, with each passing issue I thought that it was the end as the gap between was always longer than they said it was going to be. Then #10 was the last issue.

I loved Deadline as well. The mixture of comic strips and articles was perfect. Everyone always picks Tank Girl as the best, but I always rated Hugo Tate as the best.

I always wanted to do a zine that was a blend of the both of them, a perfect, gorgeous mixture of The Zine #1 and Deadline #12 (oh, how I still adore the heartbreakingly sad Hugo Tate strip in that issue), with a bit of me thrown into the mix.

It’s never happened, though. One day, maybe it will…

Smoke is a fanzine. And it’s on paper. Well, I say it’s a fanzine. There are no articles about music, nothing about television, no films (well, maybe one)… It’s a London fanzine, written by people who love the place they live in. As someone that only occasionally brushes through London, snatching a few hours here and there a couple of times a month, it’s a strange read. I know so few of the places mentioned here, but the writing brings them alive on the page. Lost tube stations, favourite bus routes, hidden places, the little peculiarities of life, photos preserving moments of life. Fractions of a second, once gone never to be repeated. Smoke is like no zine I have ever seen before. I mean, how many zines have an article about a man in a top hat who follows people? It so perfectly captures the spirit of the place that I wonder how issue 2 can improve on it. Yet I’m sure it will. I love and adore it. Every home should have a copy. Go to The Smoke Website and you too can have one. I don’t think I’ll read a better zine all year. I certainly won’t write one. One of the editors runs a record label; Shinkansen. He used to run another one as well, but I forget the name of it. Used to do music fanzines before that.

There was once a one off single issue Dr Who fanzine – November Spawned a Monster – which had a wonderful article on the reasonings behind why people do fanzines. “The chance to publish a fanzine is a wonderful opportunity; you get to air all of your own reasoned or vitriolic or dull or bigoted little opinions, to indulge all your own private obsessions before a mildly interested (if small) audience.” Before concluding, sometime later with; “Fanzines are wonderful things and everyone should produce one. If they have something to say, of course.”

I had been wondering lately what I was doing with this zine. I think I’ve just realised…

Laura Sadler

As I write this, at 9.30pm on Wednesday, 18/6, I don’t yet know if this little piece will turn into an obituary or not, I hope and pray that it doesn’t.

Anyone reading the papers in the last few days can’t have escaped the news that one of this country’s most promising young actresses – and one that was entirely wasted and squandered in her current Holby City role – is close to death after a fall from a balcony (with eerie echoes of her Grange Hill demise) after what the tabloids called a vodka and cocaine binge.

(And I’m not calling her one of this country’s most promising young actresses simply because she’s at death’s door as some kind of sentimental platitude, I genuinely believe it.)

There are already cries of shock and horror from the papers that she used – gasp – cocaine. Pot/kettle, methinks… If she did use coke, then it’s her business and no-one else’s. And if it turns out it was the coke that caused her death, then, well, it’s her own fault, and no-one else’s. That’s how it goes. Yes, it is a tragic waste of life for one so young, with so much talent, and with so much of her life ahead of her. But there are crocodiles; and you are warned about them.

Only four days till I have to e-mail this. I hope I have to write no more.

Ah, fuck.

Near enough exactly a day later and an obituary is exactly what this is. I could have gone back and edited this piece so that it was coherent, but really I just don’t want to. Doesn’t seem right to do so.

This wasn’t supposed to happen. How can someone so talented die so young, with so much unfulfilled potential when there are so many wastrels, and complete and utter SHITS out there living a full and happy and long life? I know life isn’t supposed to be fair, but it really takes the mick.

And yes, she was toying with a crocodile, and everyone knows the dangers of crocodiles, but I still can’t help feeling a mixture of both sadness, and yet also one of, oh, I don’t even know what the word is. I have great sympathy for her death, yet I don’t have any. It sounds odd, paradoxical, but that’s the way it is. I do wish she were still alive.

I’ll miss her.

(Two minutes’ silence, please. And that means no reading also…)

And when you’re done go to Candles For Laura and leave a message.

I keep re-reading what I have just wrote here, and still I think I should re-write it. It’s rambling and incoherent, but it is from the heart. I guess that's the thing that matters most, If you dislike the piece for these reasons, then tough. Normal service will be resumed etc…

I think it’s best I end with the post I made to the Candles For Laura site;

Like so many others on this board, I only knew Laura through her work; therefore I didn't really know her at all, just her characters.

But when one so young, with so much unfulfilled talent and potential dies in such senseless circumstances, one cannot help but be saddened by it.

The first time I saw her on telly was in Grange Hill, and she - and a couple of her co-stars - really did stand out from the rest. I could tell that she would go on to better things, a thought which recurred with even greater strength when I saw her one day when I happened to catch an episode of Holby.

Now, we'll never know how great she could - and *would* - have been.

In one of the songs he wrote whilst in The Smiths, Morrissey wrote the line "There is a light that never goes out." Laura's light will keep burning through the work she did during her short time on this planet, through the characters she played.

A Favourite Bands Theory

You may have to bear with me on this thesis, as it’s a bit ropy, and totally unscientific, but I have a theory that you can tell a truly great band from an average band by your favourite song of theirs. In essence it works like this;

Your favourite song by a truly great band will never be the first song of theirs you hear. No matter how much you may fall in love with that first song, you will find that lurking in their accumulated work, there is an even better song somewhere.

Three examples. My three favourite ever bands, in the world, ever are The Pixies, Heavenly and Kenickie.

The first songs I heard from them were Monkey Gone To Heaven, P.U.N.K. Girl and Come Out 2Nite respectively.

My favourite from each are Levitate Me, Atta Girl and Lights Out In a Provincial own.

There have been plenty of other bands who I have loved a great song by, but there has been something that they lacked that never quite pushed them into the “can’t live without them” bracket. I think on some level, possibly a subconscious one, I slowly begin to think that I’ve heard the best, and whatever is coming next cannot top that first great song.

Yet with a truly great band, you already have the great song that hooked you in the first place, but then, whammo, from out of nowhere comes this other song that’s even better.

Thus, you have a truly great band…

Talons of Weng-Chiang

The latest in the run of Dr Who DVDs was one I was both eagerly anticipating and fearfully dreading. It has a reputation as being one of the greatest ever Who stories, yet when I saw it several years ago, I hated it. But being an anorak wearing, scarf trailing Dr Who completist, I had to buy it (one day, I’ll even get around to buying Spearhead from Space…).

By the end of the first episode, I was thinking to myself “what was I on? How could I ever have disliked it?” I must have had a bad day, or not been in the right frame of mind, ‘cos watching it now, over the space of a few days, an episode or two a night (you should never watch episodes without a break between them), I found myself loving it. It has a terrifically witty script, superb acting from all around, great sets; in fact everything you could want from a good piece of TV. Really only Cuddles, the giant rat, spoils it, but that’s hardly the worst monster in Who, far from it.

Talons isn’t really a typical (or at least what is perceived as “typical” by the general public) Dr Who story in that there is little overt science fiction in it. The setting is Victorian England, and we all know how good the BBC can re-create different periods in history; thus the setting looks right, making the whole thing much more true to life, and hence believable (even when Cuddles appears!). In fact you could probably put this on TV today and – Cuddles and a couple of laser beam effects in the last episode aside – many people could be fooled into believing it was only filmed a week ago last Tuesday.

There are a raft of extras on this disc, the main one being the seventies documentary, Whose Dr Who. It really is a contrast to watch something like this, ‘cos you know that if they were to make a documentary about Dr Who today, it’d end up calling the fans Sad Anoraks and would have “talking head” commentaries from the likes of Ian Lee and Gina Yashere (what is the point of her? All I ever see her on is “I love the top ten of the most exciting” series. Does she actually do anything else?).

The Blue Peter “Dr Who Theatre” extracts are quite brilliant. I wasn’t expecting to like it at all, but it’s an absolute hoot. Watching them making the theatre, and acting out scenes with their puppets. Quite brilliant. I do hope there are many more such gems waiting to be unearthed for future DVDs...

The behind the scenes footage is very poor quality visually indeed, but does give an interesting insight into what went on behind the scenes during the making of the show.

The last of the Tardis Cams is here, too, once again, pretty, but pointless. Still it’s better they were there than not, as if they weren’t it’s not like anything would have been in its place!

A Pebble Mill at One interview with the outgoing producer of the show, Phillip Hinchliffe is rather interesting, not just for the actual content, but as a demonstration as to how much the format of the chat show has changed over the years. Whereas nowadays they seem just to serve as promotional fodder for someone’s latest book/record/film/whatever, in the 70s, there was genuine serious debate. It’s a shame that chat shows aren’t more like this these days.

Easter Eggs: Just the one, on the extras disk, go to one of the options – I can’t recall which, try ‘em all – and press left for a clean (ie captionless) version of the opening title sequence.

Rating: okapi.

DIOE: I must take a moment to apologise here for the lack of a review of the Dalek Invasion of Earth DVD; it’s just that I can’t work up any enthusiasm to watch it at the moment. I bought the VHS last year, and never managed to get past episode 1. Narcolepsy took over. The DVD itself is a superb presentation, a superb restoration job (on the little I have seen), with extras that put most Hollywood movies to shame; documentaries, another fantastic Blue Peter segment (these are rapidly becoming the highlight of the extras package), new CGI effects, as well as all the usual malarkey. (It has a great pair of Easter Eggs, also… Just use the same method as the last few…) I just can’t summon up the will to watch the actual story at the moment. Why, oh why, did the BBC not junk this turgid effort instead of Power of the Daleks?

Prisoners, the lot of us

People always think that to be locked up in prison, without the freedoms we enjoy, having to watch your back when you pick up that bar of soap from the floor, would be a terrible thing.

And it would.

Yet so many of us are already in prison, we just don’t realise it. However, instead of how we would traditionally see a prison, all bars and screws and walls, we build our prisons ourselves from our lives.

As we grow up, and older, we start to restrict ourselves. We have our corner of the world that we know. We have the paths we tread daily, the shops we go to, the pubs and clubs we go to time and time again. We become creatures of habit, of comfort, we seek what we know, and ignore that which we don’t. We do things automatically without stopping to question what we are doing. We lock ourselves into our houses each evening; we say it’s to keep undesirables – the burglars stalking the streets – out, but really we’re locking ourselves in.

“Libraries gave us power; then work came and made us free.”

I hope they are being ironic there – I’m sure one of you reading this will tell me – work does the opposite, it enslaves us. Day after day we go to the same building via the same route to do the same thing. We have to. That is what society tells us.

A truly free, unimprisoned person could wake up of a morning and do anything, and go anyplace, and see anyone. But we can’t.

It’s the end but…

By Graht

It’s probably safe to say that few television series end in a way that their creators intended. Like the original Star Trek series most programmes just fade away when cancellation takes them off the air and it’s a very lucky few that make it all the way to the finishing post. So, what’s a final episode for? Well, obviously, it should provide a resolution to the show taking its themes and resolving them in a way that is satisfying but not too predictable. There can be exceptions to this, St Elsewhere – apparently because I haven’t seen it – ended with the revelation that the whole series had been imagined by an autistic boy and that the hospital was just a model inside a snow globe. Now, while this sounds a little like one of those lame ‘and it was all a dream’ stories I don’t doubt that it must have had more impact on screen but it’s not a trick that can be pulled too often. If the X-Files had been revealed as the dream of a bee in someone’s back garden – just as an example you understand – then fans of the series would probably have been even unhappier than they were with what was seen onscreen.

That said here are a few series that did get to finish properly. I should point out that this is not going to be some intensely researched thesis, just a random trawl of what occurs to my brain – which probably explains the domination of science fiction, sorry about that. Also, it’s worth pointing out that from this point on a few old series are going to have their endings revealed so if you still don’t know what happened to Blake’s 7 then stop now but the most recent series mentioned below is Farscape so BBC2 Buffy fans are safe (as are people who never saw what happened in The Mysterious Cities of Gold).

Farscape: The most recent example of premature cancellation – my favourite rumour was that this was on the orders of a television executive who didn’t like shows set on spaceships – and certainly one of the most frustrating. It’s always annoying when shows with potential are taken off the air – Dark Skies anyone? – but in this case it was doubly annoying because of comments from the production team that if the cancellation notice had come a little earlier then they would have been able to write a proper resolution rather than finish the show on what should have been a standard between seasons cliffhanger. As it is we apparently get to see Crichton and Aeryn reach a stable point in their relationship only to be unexpectedly totally and utterly killed to bits. The Farscape finale is doubly frustrating because it is a largely self-contained episode with the cliffhanger arising from a short sequence added on at the end. Now I can understand the desire of the production team to show the complete filmed episode as some sort of heroic ‘sod-you’ gesture to the suits responsible for ending Farscape but with a tiny bit of editing to the finished show we could have had a resolution of sorts (Crichton and Aeryn get on a boat and sort things out between them) and the ‘oh, suddenly and completely out of the blue they’re dead’ bit could have been stuck on the DVD as an extra; along with an explanation of what should have happened next.

Star Trek Voyager: It’s ironic that one of the requirements of a good final episode is that it should wrap up the themes of a series because that’s exactly what Endgame did and the dull and predictable story that results says a lot about the problems that made Voyager the dull and predictable series it was. By the time it limped into its last series Voyager was relying on the Borg like a crutch either in the form of Seven of Nine or the Borg themselves who popped up every time the series needed a ‘spectacular’ episode to provide a bit of a shot to the ratings. The only plots that regularly alternated with the Seven of Nine/Borg stories were time travel ones so it was inevitable that the last episode would turn out to be a time travel story featuring the Borg. The only noteworthy thing about Endgame is that we never actually see Voyager’s crew get home and meet their loved ones, which seems slightly odd in a series which was all about Voyager’s crew getting home to their loved ones. But on the plus side we got all that really keen stuff about the Borg and time travel. No? Oh well...

Mysterious Cities of Gold: Ok, I never saw how this incredibly long running cartoon series ended but what I find interesting is that I’ve never met anyone else who did either. So I’m taking the chance to state my own personal conspiracy theory that the BBC never broadcast the final episode of this show for nefarious reasons of their own (maybe they just got bored with it too). Actually I did once meet one person who said they had seen the end but they were suspiciously vague about the details. This makes me think that anyone who claims to have seen the Mysterious Cities of Gold end is lying.

The Prisoner: Considering this is one of the best series that the sixties produced the way it ends is shocking. According to legend Patrick MacGoohan wrote this script in a weekend and boy does it show. Held together with nothing but calculated ‘surrealism’ even Pat looks bored as the guest cast caper around, fire guns, sing ‘Dem Bones’ and watch Leo McKern have his beard shaved off. Even the addition of a spooky ‘oooh we all live in the village all along’ ending can’t stop this from being very sub par.

Blake’s 7: Possibly the only series that continued past its official final episode; the story goes that a BBC highup enjoyed the last episode of series 3 so much that he phoned a continuity announcer and told them to say that Blake’s 7 would be back next year – to the surprise of the production team. It’s interesting because what happened to Blake’s 7 – all the cast are ‘killed off’ at the end of series 4 in what should have been a cliffhanger - is similar to what happened to Farscape. However it’s the handling of this that makes Blake’s 7’s resolution feel more appropriate. Most importantly the death of the crew comes out of the plot of the episode and avoids the tacked on feel that dogs Farscape’s. Also, for all its OTT campness the fourth series of Blake’s 7 has quite a pessimistic undertone. Through the actions of the crew the Federation – the baddies – emerge even stronger and more ruthless than they were before and the seven’s attempts to build an alliance against the Federation end in failure. All this combines with their deaths at the end of the series to mark Blake’s 7 out as possibly the only series in which the heroes do nothing except make the overall situation worse. Probably as good an example of a final episode wrapping up a show in a totally unexpected but appropriate way as you are going to find.

Dallas: By the time the final episode rolled round Dallas was a tired old series and no longer the ratings grabber it had been in the early 80’s. Tucked away on a Sunday afternoon I watched this show by accident and it was absolutely fantastic. The plot sees JR in despair and on the verge of committing suicide – I have no idea why – and in an unexpected twist the devil appears and taunts JR by showing him how much better everyone else’s lives would have been if he had never lived. Well written, funny and with an excellent end (the devil urges JR to kill himself and we hear a gunshot) this is something I’d really like to see again. However it does raise the interesting, if cynical, question of if the writing staff were capable of producing work of this quality then how did Dallas become tired in the first place?

Star Trek the Next Generation: A good example of a non-pessimistic ending. The writers had quite a difficult job in that they had to finish the series in a way that still allowed it to go on unchanged as a film and personally I think they did it very well. Bringing back Q and the events of the very first episode not only concludes the series but bookends it nicely as the end refers back to the very beginning. There’s something about the way the camera pans out of the ship at the conclusion that has an oddly different feel to the usual shots of the Enterprise flying off into space.

So, what have we learned? That I don’t like the way Farscape finished? Certainly. That you should spend more than 48 hours writing the script (I’m talking to you MacGoohan). That a good final episode can come unexpectedly out of a poor series and vice versa? Personally I can’t wait to see how Buffy finishes and that’s the interesting thing about endings, there’s no series so good that you can’t wait to see what happens when it stops.

Enterprise

You may remember in the last issue that I said I was looking forward to what was then the next episode of Enterprise – Cogenitor – despite that the episode sounded like a bad S1 TNG episode, but at least Andreas Katsulas was in it. Well, guess what? It was exactly like a bad S1 TNG episode, with lots of all that non interference gumph they like to put in. Tiresomely average. What was the worst thing about it though, was Andreas’s role in it. His entire role virtually entirely consisted of lines like saying “Captain Archer, look at that pretty nebula”. What a waste. What a disappointment.

The following episode, I had little hope for; Regeneration. AKA the one with The Borg in it. Surprisingly, I really liked it. Continuity wise, they almost manage to pull it off. But not quite; had Archer encountered The Borg, there would be records, and when Q flung Jean-Luc and co into their path, Data should have cross-referenced The Borg with the Starfleet computer and recognised them. That apart, it was very good. A very tense episode, with Archer and co not appearing until a good ten minutes into the episode. I still LOATHE and HATE with a passion the way people are “Borgified” these days, though. When Jean-Luc was Borged in Best of Both Worlds, the implants were literally fitted to him manually; now it’s a case of a Borg injects you with the Borg nanites and they convert you. A change from Voyager (spit), I believe. It essentially turns the Borg into a virus. And is RUBBISH.

The next two episodes were quite average. First Flight with flashbacks to the first Warp 5 flight. Rivetting stuff… And Bounty, with er, a bounty hunter. The latter was the better of the two. Whilst watching Bounty, I couldn’t help but think how much better it would have been if Andreas Katsulas had appeared a couple of weeks later, as the bounty hunter. It’s a role that would have been right up his street, and would have improved the episode greatly (and given hope for a return visit).

Then, the season finale, The Expanse. Suffice it to say, this is one of the best episode of Enterprise yet. It changes the whole tone of the show, give it a new mission. A new twist. It is – with one obvious exception; you know which I mean – the best end of season episode of Trek I have seen. Even though I guessed how it would end about halfway through. It doesn’t end with those three magical words though…

I do have high hopes for Enterpise. I know a lot of people – myself included – have ripped into it, but if you compare Enterprise with TNG’s first two seasons, you’ll find Enterprise comes off very favourably. Only Contagion, The Neutral Zone and Q-Who really stick out in my mind. Yet there’s a good half dozen Enterprise episodes that stick out.

Mind you, you compare the pair of them to Babylon 5 at the end of two seasons, and B5 absolutely and completely wipes the floor with them. But that’s something to speak of at another time…

(IE when I’ve got through the first 2 DVD boxsets…)

David’s guide to the tube lines

The Central Line: This is quite a boring line. I avoid riding this anyway as despite all the medical advances made, doctors are still unable, as yet, to find a cure for death.

The Piccadilly Line: A good line to ride if ever I’m feeling depressed thanks to Cockfosters.

The Metropolitan Line: This line is dead fancy because it has proper booths for the seats and everything. Of course, you never get a seat until the station before you have to get off but that’s hardly the point.

The East London Line: I was once at Shadwell and decided I should ride this line as it was the only one I had never been on before and I wanted to see what the tubes looked like. Much to my chagrin they turned out to be identical to the Metropolitan Line tubes. To this day, I still feel cheated.

The Waterloo and City Line: This has a grand total of two stops, yet they still feel it necessary to put line maps in all the carriages which is just muppetry really. Again, the fear of death prevents me from riding this line anymore.

The Northern Line: Some teds had the great idea of splitting this line in two. This means that, no matter which branch you need to take, the first train will always be going down the other one. The best thing to do on this line is to look out for hidden stations as they seem to be everywhere.

The Circle Line: This is indubitably the worstest tube line ever. For a start, it is absolutely unnecessary as all its stations appear on other lines as well. The trains are old and smelly and slow and the woman announcer’s voice really annoys me. Do not ride this line ever.

The Hammersmith and City Line: As above, but at least it has some unique stations.

The Jubilee Line: This is easily the poshest and bestest of all the tube lines. The newer stations (like Canary Wharf) are huge and airy and the tubes make a satisfying swooshy noise. I like riding this.

Docklands Light Railway: Now, I know this is not a tube line but I have to ride it every day so I have decided to write about it. The seats are uncomfortable, it is full of men in suits and it makes the most horrible squealing noise ever. But it is a great line because it moves of it’s own volition and, if you manage to get a seat at the front you can pretend to be the driver and everything. I particularly recommend doing this in the big tunnel that takes you into Bank.

The Bakerloo Line: The colour of this line concerns me. Having ridden it a few times I can now confirm that it is the home of all the strange people in London. Once, I was sat opposite a woman with a Status Quo belt buckle on.

The Victoria Line: I can think of nothing interesting to write about this line whatsoever. It is rubbish and too hot. Do not use it.

The District Line: When I was just a little boy we used to live in Dagenham and I would ride this line often. I made my mind up to memorise everything I possibly could about it and then go on You Bet and win myself a paperweight. Well, that day never came, I moved away and lost track, but tonight I am thinking about making my way back. I may find you there and float on, wherever the tube may take me…

Neighbours DVDs

Seeing as there’s no more Prisoner Cell Block H DVDs to review yet, here’s something a little different, a pair of Ozzie Neighbours DVDS.

First up is Neighbours Defininng Moments, a collection of 15 episodes over 2 DVDs all of which centre around either a birth, a death or a marriage. Before anything else, though, I shall answer the question that you are all demanding I must answer; Is Stefan Dennis in it much? The answer is yes. Of the 15 episodes, 7 are from the mighty Stefan Dennis era of the show. In a few of these, he is quite peripheral, in a scene here and there, but occasionally he comes to the fore, especially in episode 1563, in which en route to the hospital with Christina about to give birth, the car breaks down, and they commandeer an ice cream van to take them the rest of the way. And in episode 1721, which features a great deal of Stefan action, and also has the extra added bonus of Todd karking it.

The selection of episodes is a very good one, given the restrictive “births, deaths and marriages” theme. You have the births of Daphne’s, Christina’s and Libby’s babies; the weddings of Daphne & Des, Scott & Charlene (obviously…), Madge & Harold, Brad & Beth, Mark & Annalise and Libby & Drew; and the deaths of Daphne, Todd, Jim, Helen and Madge. The spread of characters is pretty damn good too, with pretty much all of the characters you know and love getting in an appearance or two – even if in some cases it is rather brief. In fact, the only character whose absence really sticks out is Joe Mangel. Surely we could have had his marriage to either Kerry or Melanie? Or Kerry’s death at the duck shoot? Come to think of it, we don’t see Kerry at all, either. And no Bronwyn either. You know, her who married Henry. (Who is present, but unfortunately, ladies, the “towel incident” is not…)

As an overview of the show, it’s a pretty damn good pair of DVDs; if you’re a Neighbours fan (and who has never been a fan at some point?) it’s really an essential purchase.

Easter Eggs: none.

Rating: sperm whale.

Neighbours the Music is exactly what you would expect. It’s a DVD and CD set of music that is either from the TV show, or by stars of the TV show. I know what you’re thinking, the question running through your mind. And the answer is yes. It does feature the legendary #16 chart hit, Don’t It Make You Feel Good, by Stefan Dennis.

The DVD features the promo videos for 10 songs, most of which are songs by ex-stars of the show. The best of these is of course, Don’t It Make You Feel Good. Until I had got this DVD I had never actually seen the video in its entirety; just the odd clip here and there, so I never realised there was more to it than just the black leather jacket. But there is. Oh, boy, is it good. Stefan is clearly loving every second of it. Terrific stuff.

You will also find on the DVD the videos for Too Many Broken Hearts by Jason Donovan (I had forgotten what a great pop song – in the true sense of the phrase – it was), Locomotion by Kylie (shame it wasn’t I Should Be So Lucky, really…) and their duet Especially for You. Craig McLachlan’s superb Mona is there also (and who cares if it sounds a bit like an old Stones song, it’s still blimmin great) as is Gayle and Gillian’s effort Mad If You Don’t, which singularly failed to trouble the charts due to its rubbishness. I still have not mustered the energy to watch it all the way through. Kiss Kiss by Holly Valance also features, as does Born to Try by Delta Goodrem (whoever she might be. I must admit I don’t know if she’s a current Neighbours star, or someone who had her song played on Neigbours). We also get the original promo (rather than the one with wedding footage) of Angry Anderson’s Suddenly. First time I watched it, I burst out laughing when it got to the guitar solo; a mullet haired 80s metaller playing the guitar, shot in such a po-faced way, with such a pained expression on his face, hilarity was the only suitable response. Last song is He Don’t Love You, by Human Nature, who appear to be the Ozzie version of Blue. The only reason this video is on here is ‘cos Holly Valance appears in it. In the shower. Mmm… Watch this one with the sound turned down, 'cos the song's pants!

I must admit, I’ve not really listened to the CD much. It has the Neighbours Theme on it, the most recent version, and 16 other songs, which either are not credited to any artist, or are by people I have never heard of. Initial standouts, though are Three Dimension by Something For Kate and Afterwards by Endorphin. The only 2 songs to appear on both DVD and CD are the Delta Goodrem and Human Nature efforts.

It’s not a bad package, this, and to be honest, I’d say it’s worth buying just for the Stefan Dennis video; ‘cos let’s be honest, it’s the only way you’re gonna get a copy of the video.

Easter Eggs: none.

Rating: zebra.

How To Be Bad

Easy Steps to Career Success

by Maaga

It was with great reluctance that I withdrew from inspection duties today, cracked my knuckles and sat down to post a contribution to this witless array of literary self-indulgence and excruciating juvenilia. Make no mistake, I would not normally do this kind of thing; I am usually content to let my private thoughts manifest themselves in the soiled underwear of my enemies and the simpering apologies of my underlings. However, these days skin care products and four leaf salads do not come cheap and when one is surrounded on all sides by mad-crazy devils with faces made for radio one must accept the coin from wherever it comes. Nevertheless, with rather exquisite generosity I have decided to toss a few scraps to you, the great unwashed and set down a few tricks of the trade I picked up during my years of glorious war-mongering. Follow my advice and you too could be a Queen of Mean.

It’s a tough gig, being fab – I grant you; you think this look just happens? Therefore let us begin by examining your first day in a brand new job, whatever it might be – the start of a glittering career, one hopes. What you don’t do is begin your tenure by flashing a winning smile, cracking the odd joke or two, saying “howdy do?” again and again and generally ingratiating yourself with the natives, chummily “getting to know” folk. No, no, no. First thing the fledgling Princess of Darkness has to do is develop a formidable “work persona”, a psychic coat of armour protecting her innermost thoughts from decryption and keeping her private self well out of harm’s way. Always put your face on, so to speak. By all means, keep a hipflask of delicious Veuve Cliquot secreted about your person and have a crafty slug when no one’s looking but take it from me: if you are to survive the terrifying horrors of the workplace intact, don’t make the mistake of being approachable, warm, easy to get on with, a good laugh or what is commonly known as “nice” – that’s code for “doormat”, sweetie. You need to be domineering, tyrannical and firm – like I was, for example, to that horrible man who indecently exposed himself in front of me at the Hampton Court Flower Show. “Put that away!” I told him. See? Such creatures – minds invariably tinier than Tom Thumb’s thumb – needn’t test your sanity. Look at me. Totally Dagenham? Vox et praeterea nihil.

I was taking tea with Hen at Fortnum & Masons the other day and as I meditatively dabbed the final crumbs of carrot cake from the corners of my mouth we both agreed times are hard for the cackling harpy. The nascent Babe of Doom is under so much pressure to be likeable but as Hen so rightly observed if you actually want to win at Lacrosse you’ve got to whack a few shins. It’s for the good of all. Still, I wouldn’t like to be just setting out on the road to damnation these days. You may feel the same. But never let it show. If you are to one day graduate as the biggest swinging battleaxe this side of Walton-On-Thames your slaves must be made to feel that an audience with you means plunging into the bowls of the earth and the prospect of being buried alive for a misplaced comma. Liquidise their lower intestines and freeze their blood with a stare, vaporise dissenters, marginalise those who are not your favourites and delegate all the menial tasks so you can avoid the more distasteful experiences of life – like that awful man coming at me like a randy bull; I wish I hadn’t mentioned it now, I can’t get the image out of my head.

What next? Well, one trick is to march quickly but imperiously around the workplace to imply your presence is required at high-level meetings occurring elsewhere. After all, one must maintain the impression of indispensability. I also try to talk faster and with greater urgency than necessity demands – particularly when making reports to the Police. The overall impression should be one of incessant and profoundly important activity, liberally spiced with incoherent instructions, awful handwriting, plenty of slammed doors and a mind that changes more often than a set of traffic lights. See, you’re not there to be liked. You’re trying to rule the Universe not open a soup kitchen. Look people up and down and then frown. Tap a biro and stare fixedly at a computer screen when someone reports late for duty. Be sure there are things that only you know how to do – that way you’ll be unsackable. Reward tenure, loyalty, power and status rather than performance. Seed the zeroes with mild apprehension and you’ll have them jerking like marionettes forever.

I say, new tie? How gay! Can I have a word in private? You must try your best to destabilise any prevailing sense of ésprit de corps, especially in a crisis because any sort of cosy familiarity and jokey camaraderie can only, only, lead to shipwreck. One way of doing this is by setting a totally unattainable target – say curing cats of sleepiness or inventing drinkable bubble bath – and threatening public thrashings or the firing squad if your targets are not met. If that doesn’t work mention that you once mistook the teddy bear department of Hamleys for a firing range. Threaten to put their lovely pet tortoise Snoozy on a treadmill set on sprint. Basically, you’re aiming to be Boadicea in an M&S pashmina – Homo Oestrogenus – so don’t put up with any piddling nonsense; or, for that matter, any shell-shocked war veterans leaping from the Begonias with their pants round their ankles. Finally – and this is crucial – never, ever “get the teas in”. I think we understand each other.

Can you have it all? Well, I can, as I hope is blatantly obvious by now – you, on the other hand, may have more of a struggle on your hands. Life is easier for some than for others; that’s the just the way the leaves fall I’m afraid. Ho-hum, some of us have all the luck. Anyway that’s my advice, for what it’s worth. No doubt you’ll go back to saying “Yes, dear” to some Dartford garage mechanic with an impulse-control problem but then, that’s why I’m rich, I’m successful, I’m Maaga and you’re not. Ciao!

Randomness and Randomosity

Press Gang: For the last couple of issues, I’ve been trailing a piece about why Press Gang is the best thing British TV has ever made. I’ve just deleted it. It said nothing new, and at least half of the article was going to be quotes from the show. Any fool can do that. In anycase, you will be able to judge for yourself soon enough; the whole shegang is apparently coming out on DVD. Hopefully, all the episodes will be remastered and given the full “Tesh” treatment, with a documentary on all aspects of the show, be commentaries from Stephen Moffat, the main cast and directors, deleted scenes and out-takes, and as well as the “as broadcast” version, we’d also get the 35 minute edit of There Are Crocodiles. I’ll buy it like a shot. Even if I have to sell a kidney. You should buy it too. Any words that I could write to try and convince you of its brilliance will be insufficient. I genuinely cannot think of a piece of British TV that I have seen that is better than Press Gang.

Steven Moffat: you know. Wrote Press Gang. I met him earlier in the month. I was like a fifteen year old girl meeting Robbie Williams. Initially dumb struck, then all I could do was ask dumb questions. I acted like a sad pathetic fanboy (which is exactly what I am). All in all yet again adding weight to my thesis that you should never meet your heroes…

That Prisoners article was originally going to end with the line “I wish I knew how it would feel to be free…” but I cut it ‘cos I couldn’t make up my mind if it’s a cheesy or a cool line to end on. If you think it’s cool, just mentally add it on the next time you read it…

The Complete Munching Carpet is another one of my hair brained ideas that will probably never see the light of day. Essentially it’s going to be a CD-ROM containing;

· Scans of every issue of Munching Carpet volume 1, with notes (like on the website, but the actual scanned pages, with the notes by the sides).
· All of Munching Carpet volume 2 (the e-mail predecessor to this zine).
· One or two bits and bobs that no-one has seen before…

And it will also come with a Ruby Surprise CD, as there’s still plenty left unsold! So, as the title says, it will be the complete Munching Carpet. And as it will have the scans of individual pages, you’ll be able to print them out and make your own Munches to read on the train and stuff…

I feel old: this coming Friday, Glastonbury Friday, it will be exactly ten years (well I say “exactly” I mean in the sense that I refer here to Glastonbury Friday 1993. Whether that was Jun 27th or not, I don’t know, and I can’t be trollied to look up) to the day since I heard one of the songs that changed my life. That I can remember the day is probably more a testament to the fact that it was Glastonbury Friday rather than anything else, mind you. I was listening to John Peel at the festival, and he was playing some songs in between sets (I can’t even remember what the sets were!) and he played this one song, and was unsure what it was called. He wasn’t sure if the first word of the song would be spelt out, or said as an actual word. “Punk or “p – u – n – k”? The song was, of course, P.U.N.K. Girl, by Heavenly. Eight days later, the following Saturday, I bought the record, and had I never heard another Heavenly song I would have been more than content with the two on this 7”. A pair of perfect low-fi punk pop tunes. Even now they still give me goose pimples. Even though I have discovered better Heavenly songs. (And to think that it’s more than 14 years since April 1989 and seeing The Pixies’ Monkey Gone to Heaven on the Chart Show makes me feel even older.)

I feel old part 2: listening to Radio 2 at work and realising that Radio 2 today, is essentially what Radio 1 was when I was 16.

The Soundtrack to This Issue;

All The Things She Said/Ya Shosla S Uma – tatu
Various Canoe Chin songs, including Suedehead, Every Day Is Like Sunday, November Spawned a Monster, You’re The One For Me Fatty, Certain People I Know, There Is A Light That Never Goes Out etc…
Atta Girl – Heavenly
Fat Hairy Wombats

Coming next month in modestic #4: stuff. I dunno. Wait and see, yeah…?

Gratuitous Wombat Picture #3

Lunch time for the baby wombat...

Copyright and all that malarkey…

modestic is © 2003 Ash Stewart. All articles are © to whoever is credited with them. All uncredited items are © Ash Stewart. The address for all correspondence, be it praise, criticism, death threats, missing episode hoaxes, pictures of wombats, articles, anything is this one or alternatively that one...

modestic issue #3 was edited by Ash Stewart and was written by Ash Stewart, David Holmes, Maaga, Graht and Fatso, the wombat.

This e-zine can be forwarded on to whoever you so wish on the proviso that nothing in it is removed, added to, or altered in any way. In fact I positively encourage you to forward it! If you were forwarded this e-zine by a friend and wish to sign up for it yourself go here.

If you no longer wish to receive this e-zine go here

Contributions are always welcome for modestic. You can write about exactly what you like. Any subject at all. It does not matter if I agree with what you write or not, if it's well written it goes in. Freedom of speech is one of the cornerstones of modestic, as is change and renewal… Do not feel at all restrained or restricted by the things you have seen so far in modestic; just write about what you know, and It'll slot in seamlessly... Even if what you have in mind is clearly opposite to what I think of something, as long as it's wells written and vaguely coherent, it'll get in

And YES, the ratings system does make sense! So there!

You can chat about this issue of modestic on the message board But you won’t.

You can see old back issues of that old fanzine Munching Carpet, if you are at all interested, here... At present you can see Issues #1-3. Issue #4 was supposed to have been up by now. But isn't. It will be some time. Be patient with me...

Issue 4 of modestic should in theory be e-mailed out on August 23rd. But it won’t. That’s halfway through the Reading Festival, so it’ll either be a couple of days early, or a couple of days late… Which it will be you will have to wait and see…

And I’m quite sure it will be better than this one!

There might, just might be a possibility of modestic going monthly. As things go at the moment, I mainly seem to be writing each issue in mainly one big spurt in the week or two before it's out. Which is not the way to do it. When I was doing Munch, I was aware that as soon as I finished on issue, I had to make a start on the next, so I was constantly writing. If I have enough material for #4 to come out July 23rd, that is when it will be out. If it doesn’t arrive on that date, well, it doesn’t arrive…

(Mind you, I may become distracted by the novel, 3 plays, other thing, and a short story I’m also working on…)

Final thought: ...there are crocodiles.