Munching Carpet #2

[Same deal; orange writing is the original text, red stuff in brackets like this are my dew eyed nostalgic "I love Munching Carpet" reminisces.]

[Amazingly, I managed a second issue of Munch. This one was published March 1998. Crticisms about this issue included the front cover (too scary), the back cover (too sexist), Timmy 2Hedz (too misogynistic) and every other page (not enough pictures). Apart from that, it was all tickety-boo. The fornt cover was chosen as a counterpoint to #1's from one extreme to the other, if you will...]

Stuff...

Here we are again, at the start of a new issue of Munching Carpet. There were some who doubted it would even last this long (including a certain person with more than one head), but here we are, better (erm) than ever... Just sit back, relax and enjoy the feast that is Munching Carpet 2... (By the way, I should point out that the views of a certain Mr T 2Hedz are not shared by The Editor. ..)

Nostalgia... Mmm. . Sarah... There And Back Again Lane is quite possibly the best compilation album ever. I used to just listen to the first six or so songs on it for some reason (although sometimes I'd just stick track 2 on repeat and listen to that for a while). Recently I've come to my senses and been listening to it all the way through. And I have fallen in love with the very last track on the album; Drown by Even As We Speak. The whole album makes me want to rush out and buy everything ever released by Sarah. 21 tracks of sheer perfection from cute girly pop to angst ridden love songs. Most Sarah stuff is incredibly difficult to find these days and when you do it usually costs a bomb. Heavenly 7"s are like gold dust, snapped up as soon as they are advertised. Why do I always have to like the bands whose records I can never find? One day I'll have everything Heavenly has ever released. Maybe one day I'll even have the elusive Even As We Speak Those Blue Eyes Deceiving Me single. One day a lemming will fly. [Get flying that lemming… got the CD single, would have preferred the 7", though. I still adore There and Back Again Lane, and it remains the best compilation I have ever heard. I've even been there, you know…]

As an "interesting" aside; when Timmy 2Hedz heard Atta Girl he described Amelia as sounding like "the floaty head woman from Red Dwarf'... (Remind me to have a whinge about Red Dwarf "re-mastered" next issue.) [I never did, you know…]

Fears over The Simpsons' disappearance over the Winter Olympics proved to be unfounded. Throughout the entire malarkey only twice was the show replaced by curlers or ice skaters or whatever. What is more "worrying" is Lee and Herring. [This is "worrying" in that they are replacing a show which is, let's be honest, on all the time, with one of the UK's most funny comedians. A change is as good as a vest, and all that…] For eight weeks we will be denied any episodes on a Sunday, which of late has been a repeat of the Monday one and another random episode. For some reason they stopped repeating the Friday one. So far they have been showing episodes from the first three series (with one exception; the "Marge in a musical " episode was an isolated series four episode) and are fast running out of "new" episodes to show, I think as I write there are only about four or so from series 1-3 unscreened; including the one with the voice of Kimmy "Lucy" Robinson (update; it's now a week later and I see from the Radio Times that this episode is on next Monday. YA ! (update update; this episode was on yesterday and it was rather fab)). Roll on 4-9!!!

Cool music to watch out for (although by the time you read this it's probably all out and you've got it all); Theaudience, If You Can't Do It When You're Young, When Can You Do It?; Girlfrendo, the Heartbreakers EP; Natalie Imbruglia, Big Mistake (not as good as the now legendary Torn, but especially worth buying if you've got a computer with CD-Rom gubbins as one of the CDs features the Big Mistake video); Guy Chadwick's stuff (still not heard any of this yet, but if it's only half as good as Shine On then it'll still be well worth listening to). [I don't think I ever actually heard any of this; was it even released…?]

Starting this issue of Munching Carpet is a "Top Ten Aussie Soap Opera Characters Feature". This was only supposed to be a quick thing like the usual "Tens" in Munching Carpet, but I found I was writing so much for some of them (specially number 1 who is... ah now that would be teIling...) that it would take up at least half the issue so I've decided to split it... [This explanation is a load of yarbles, more accurate would be that I'd written one, and waffled for so long, I had to split it. I hadn't even decided who the whole of the ten were at this point. #1 was set in stone, though. I did consider including "The beach from Summer Bay" as a character, but couldn't write anything witty enough.]

Timmy 2Hedz And His Amazing Theories…

Undeniable Theories for a Perfect World

[Although, speaking to him the other day he now calls his theories a "load of bollocks". Make of this what you will…]

Number Two: The Swamp Pig Theory

This is possibly more of a personal dilemma than a theory, but hey, it's got to be fully explored in order for it to become a "2Hedz undeniable theory" - hasn't it? The thing is, when is a girl a swamp pig? - and who decides whether a girl is a swamp pig? - and by what criteria do you class somebody as a swamp pig? - and should you try to cop off with somebody who you suspect is a swamp pig?

I'll set the scene... There I was, away from home at a groovy house party, surrounded by loads of people that I didn't know -okay, so I knew the owner of the flat and I knew the three lads that I'd come with, but considering that most of them had at some point either lived together in Aussie and/or spent several unconscious weekends together since then, I think it's fair to say that yes, I was a so called "unknown" here. But nothing that a little bit of loud behaviour couldn't overcome -after all, this was Essex.

The afternoon spent downing different types of alcohol was an obvious bonus and by the time the party kicked off l was in full swing. Two of the first few people that I was "introduced" to were some geezer who seemed okay, and what I thought was his bird -made a mental note of her blow job eyes, slinky dress and nice tits and that I'd quite like to practice the Bacon and Eggs Theory with her (see Munching Carpet #l for details). Thought nothing more of it - after all, she's obviously taken. Then some twat hits me in the eye with a balloon in a feeble attempt to get at the helium - not a problem, it's only a balloon and the twat happens to be one of the mates I came with. Then, eh up, I can't really see properly and I'm sure I'm not that pissed yet -that's a contact lens lost then, cheers, £35 extra to add to the day's expenses. A couple of people look for it, including said bird, but of course not me because I'm too cool to rummage on the floor like a prick. I'd rather wander round half blind all night, that's how cool I am.

Meet a few more people, have a laugh like ya do, blah blah blah, then end up taking to said bird again. After a while it's blatantly obvious that we both know almost nobody else here and wouldn't mind getting into each others CKs -being a nice guy though, I fuck off before anything happens, after all she's taken isn't she? Being quite a small flat it's not long before we're talking again - it develops that "bloke" is actually her ex since last year -cool. Tonsils need polishing so in we both jump...

First clue: Some blond bitchy looking cow kicks me while I'm on the job. She tells me to fuck off to the kebab shop if I'm hungry -yeah, good one luv. Then she says that I'm talking to her as an excuse to get away from "the fat bird". Alarm bells start ringing... fat?

Second clue: As I get back on the job, me eye gouging friend taps me on the shoulder, "still not found that contact lens then?", he winks and walks away laughing. Alarm bells ring louder...

I sensibly make a subtle but sharp exit to another room. I confront some strangers and ask if the bird I was just with is a right old banger or what. They demand that I "bring in the gimp" so they can give an opinion -right on cue she walks in - not too much disapproval here, must be alright then?

So the evening progresses in this sort of manner: encounter with bird, more beer, encounter with bird, more beer, piss in the sink to avoid the queues for the toilet, encounter with bird, more beer, mote beer, chat to ex boyfriend who says "go ahead but don't bullshit her" - fair comment, more beer, interesting encounter with bird in toilets, more beer, wash my hands, more beer, etc, etc.

When the time reaches about 5 am, I'm quite happy to just crash out face down on the floor in a pile of broken beer glasses even though this bird is blatantly offering herself to me on a plate.

Wake up in the morning to discover that she moved in on me during the night, snored a bit, and then... and get this fucking description... "the swamp master came and had 10 take her back to the pit!!!"

So there I am. The morning after. Wondering should I have taken the offered plate or did I have a lucky escape? My three "mates" now admit in one breath that, yes, she was indeed a swamp pig, and then, no, she was alright actually, then they laugh.

Reasons for and against in no particular order: I was very pissed; they were pissed and participating in the joys of "coca cola" (get me?); I'd lost a contact lens; I'd made the mental note of her before I lost the contact lens; they didn't get a sniff of women all night; I did; they tried to chat her up at the end of the night and one got hit by her; I didn't get hit by her; she did have blow job eyes; she absolutely fucking adored me; I stupidly didn't have a "rainhat" with me at the time; she offered to pay for me to go to Australia with her; she was very, very drunk; fat bird comment came from a skinny dull bleach-blond Essex girl; she kissed like a bit of a retard; boyfriend was apparently not too happy after all; but I didn't shag her, aagghhh, pants, rrraaaggghhh!

And so, as the author of "2Hedz Undeniable Theories for a Perfect World", I must now wack my lob confidently on the table and give a worthy and moralistic conclusion. No holds barred. Here goes...

An opinion of any girl, or indeed any person, should be judged purely on your own views and not be altered or hindered by the views of others. Take each person as they come. Treat them equally and fairly until you yourself find reason not to. If you like them - you like them. If your friends don't like them -then, well, your friends don't like them. It would be obvious if somebody was a swamp pig; a swamp pig is only someone with a very severe case of the uglies who look as if they've been set on fire and put out with a cricket bat. If there is any doubt at all, then the person in question is definitely fine. Swamp pigs are very rare - unless of course one of your mates is getting more action than you and you want to fuck up his mind just enough so that he bottles out and actually thinks he's had a lucky escape thanks to the concern shown by you, his wonderful friends. Nuff said.

And so, from this missed opportunity, you have been lucky enough to witness the construction of a moral theory .An undeniable theory. Oh yes, I shall create that perfect world, oh yes...

[This one got complaints… He was doing something right, at least… What that was, I have yet to figure out!]

Film 23

Up 'n' Under

A film about rugby players who are trained by Samantha Janus. It's okay, I suppose, it's just nothing special. This sort of thing has been done a lot better by others (Brassed Off immediately springs to mind). There are some funny bits in it though, and there is a scene involving Samantha Janus, no clothes and a shower. Which was nice. Munch Mark - 5.

The Jackal

Re-make of The Day Of The Jackal, which I must confess I've never seen. This is again an average kind of flick. It's an action movie with very little actual "action". It's good to see Bruce Willis as a villain for a change -he's probably the best thing in the movie - but the whole thing lacked any real sense of suspense. Nowhere near as good as the likes of Die Hard, Speed or Con Air, but still miles better than Speed 2, though. Munch Mark - 5.

Mrs Brown

This is up for several Oscars and it's not really surprising. Judi Dench (unsurprisingly) puts in quite a stunning performance as Queen Victoria, in mourning for her dead husband Albert. But then along comes a certain Mr John Brown, in the shape of Billy Connolly, who proves he can actually act. Brown's job is to try to get Victoria out of mourning. Brown cares not a jot for convention and when he first meets Victoria he commits the cardinal sin of speaking to Victoria without being addressed by her. Shocking. It's quite a touching film, with brilliant performances from Dench and Connolly, as well as am excellent supporting cast, especially the chap (1 can't remember his name) who played Disraeli. If you want a change from the usual Hollywood schmaltz then go see it. Munch Mark -7.

Good Will Hunting

Genius, blah, blah, written by him too, blah, blah, Rocky for the 90s, blah, blah, except without fighting, blah, blah, well except for the rather violent scrap that gets him arrested, blah, blah... You've probably heard all about this already, it's only the fifth film to get the full 40 on Moviewatch (Titanic, Seven, In The Name of the Father and, er something else), Baz liked it, everyone liked it. I liked it. Some of the verbal jousting is particularly good, especially during Will's first meeting with Skylar (Skylar, I ask you! Is anyone really called Skylar in real life???). Robin Williams is pretty good, although at moments I expected him to put on a dodgy Oirish accent and starting saying things like" Ah, what about ya, Arthur, Oi'm off to me footy practice!" [I can't for the life of me think what the Hell I was wittering on about here. Maybe I was drunk…] This is probably Williams' best movie since Dead Poets Society. Really cool bit; Skylar's joke! It's a classic! Munch Mark - 8.

Flubber

Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear! From a great Robin Williams film we go to a shite one. It has a few good moments, I suppose, but they are few and far between and I looked at my watch three times during its 90 minutes and that is not good. It's a bit of a duffer. In fact the best thing about Flubber was one of the trailers before it, apparently Grease (one of only two musicals that I like [Actually, there's three; forgot about Bugsy Malone…]) is being re-released in the cinema sometime this summer. Which will be nice. When you enjoy a trailer more than the film, something is very wrong. Munch Mark - 3.

Jackie Brown

Sitting right here should be a review of Quentin Tarantino's new film, Jackie Brown. But there isn't. And that's because the distributors have decided to do something really wanky with it. For the past couple of months they've been banging on about it being released on 20th March. Then I see in the NME that it is released on 20th March. but only in (Quite literally) ONE CINEMA in London. That's right ONE CINEMA. What a pile of old tosh. Then on March 27th it's release "extends" to just London. Triff. And then on 10 April, the rest of the country finally gets to see it. In the old days a "London first, then a week later the rest of the country" used to be quite common with popular films until it was realised that it was a stupid idea. It still goes on all the time with less mainstream, arty films, but then that's usually because the distributors of these films, which have a limited appeal, can't afford to strike too many prints. But for a major film from a director like Tarantino there is no excuse for this wanky attitude. It's like Oasis releasing a record you can only buy in the Virgin Megastore in Oxford Street. It's stupid. It's nonsensical; It's bobbins. And the day on which it's finally released to us "inferior" folk in the rest of the country is the same day that Scream 2 is released. I know which I'll be watching...

Ten More Interesting Facts About Movies... (Honest!!!)

[Again, no comments that one of the false facts is a true false fact. In this case, it's the ET one. The idea is that ET comes from the Heavens, he can heal by touch alone, he dies and comes back to life, and then ascends back to the Heavens. Or something…]

11 - The green slimy ghost in the movie Ghostbusters (you know, the one who "slimed" Bill Murray) was in fact a real ghost. And the slime was real ectoplasm.
12 - ET is not really about an alien, but is in fact a modern day allegorical re- telling of the story of Jesus. (With ET as JC.)
13 - The "Rumble" mentioned in the title of the movie Rumble In The Bronx, refers to the stomach of the film's star; Jackie Chan. Apparently the star was concerned that he was getting a bit lardy so he went on a strict diet. Unfortunately this meant that his stomach kept on rumbling. The original title of the film was War In The Bronx, but when the Director heard Jackie's stomach rumble he was inspired to change the title, stating that "Rumble In The Bronx is less 'wanky' than War In The Bronx."
14 - During the filming of Stanley Kubrick's film Eyes Wide Shut, there was a scene which only took one take to film.
15 - The bear which" starred" in the movie The Edge, was in fact the cousin of Muppet Fozzie Bear and the brother of TV star Gentle Ben.
16 - The bunny in Con Air, of "Put the bunny back in the box" fame, actually belonged to actor Nicholas Cage and between takes he was often seen talking to it saying things like" Ah, you're a good ickle bunny-wunny aren't you?" and "Would ickle bunny-wunny like an ickle cadjut, mind your ickle toosie-pegs, though!".
17 - In the original draft of the script for A Nightmare On Elm Street, Freddy ~ Krueger's gloves were described thus; "The fingers on the right hand glove have six inch long razor sharp knives, the left have forks. " There was no mention of where the spoons would be.
18 - The actor who played the eponymous American Werewolf In London got "into" the role by hanging around a pack of wolves. The wolves accepted him as one of their own and gave him the wolf name. Awwooooo". He often goes back to visit them and they go out hunting together.
19 - The original working title for Police Academy Seven; Mission to Moscow was Police Academy Seven; Barrel Scraping...
20 - The Droog outfits worn by the pair of Droogs in the scene just before the motorbike race in Batman and Robin were in fact the very same outfits worn by Malcolm McDowel1 and Warren Clarke in A Clockwork Orange. (Just you check it, there are Droogs in this scene! [Really, there are; blink and you'll miss 'em, though.])

Mail Order

Living in the sticks, like I do, there is an unfortunate lack of shops selling obscure indie records. The like of HMV and Our Price and the like stock the occasional tasty morsel, but on the whole if you want old Heavenly records then you're up the (Jonathan) creek. So I find myself having to use mail order. But are mail order companies any cop? Let's find out with the Munching Carpet Mail Order Review...

Foggy Notion: Sent off for a catalogue (no SAE needed). Arrived within a week. Packed full of stuff, loads of things. Their catalogue has a vast selection of records on pretty much any label you'd care to imagine. Usual Suspects: Kenickie; "only" the Elastic Jet Mission compilation on Slampt with the now legendary Rebel Assault on it. Helen Love; almost all their back catalogue, nothing I needed, though. Heavenly; best of all, they had the Atta Girl CD single, which I was beginning to think I'd never get, no Sarah 7"s though. Records arrived in about a fortnight. Munch Mark -9.

Energy: Sent off for a Kenickie promo CD, arrived within a week. Asked for a list of records by The Usual Suspects, only had stuff by Kenickie, nothing I wanted, though. Munch Mark -8.

Whiplash Records: Sent off for a Heavenly 7", but was sold out. Sent a list with Usual Suspects stuff on it. Ordered a different Heavenly 7", which arrived only 2 days after I sent it (that's what I like; speedy service). Munch Mark -8.

Amulet Distribution: Sent off for Superlove's Cardiff City Superstars, arrived in about a week. Asked for a list of the Usual Suspects, just got a general "new releases" list with no mention of them on it. Munch Mark -7

Che: Sent off for a couple of singles from their list. Arrived in about a week. Good stuff! Munch Mark 8.

Map Records: Their ad in the NME says to send an SAE for lists; I did this and asked for stuff by the Usual Suspects. Two months later and the lists still have not arrived! I'll be charitable and for the moment assume that my request has simply gone astray in the post, but I'll send a further request and wait and see what happens... [I did send again, but still no reply. Never ordered a thing from the gooners.]

Hidden Meanings In Songs

In which Munching Carpet finds out that there is more to some songs than immediately meets the eye...

1 - The Spice Girls -Wannabe.

"We got Em in the place, who likes it in your face"; obviously about oral sex, the "it" which Em likes "in your face" is the area between her legs, likes to be munched on does our Em.

"Easy V, who doesn't come for free"; no, she doesn't "cum" for free, you have to pay, £50 for a hand job, £75 for a blow job, £100 for a shag, £200 for up her arse, no kissing; that's reserved for her boyfriend.

[In the end, I only ever did this feature twice; the other one was about S Club Party in #23.]

Competition Time!

Last month's winner was no-one of no-where who chose nothing as their prize, because no-one has yet entered. I'll extend the closing date for a couple of weeks... This issue's prize is a 4 track Pixies promo CD (which features one song off of every Pixies album except Come On Pilgrim and comes in a funky card sleeve) and will go to the first person who can tell me the names of the pop stars who have recorded songs about other pop stars. Or something. I'll give you the name of a pop star and you have to tell me who has recorded a song about them. For example if I said Tom Jones, you would say "Ah, that'll be Space and that bird out of Catatonia, you know, Cerys thingie!" Easy... (But be warned, not all the names are in the songs' titles...)

I - Buddy Holly
2 - Joey Ramone
3 - Tim, from Ash
4 - Lou Reed
5 - Helen Love
6 - Elvis

Rules; anyone can enter. Anyone at all. Prize will go to the first person to get all the answers right. Or if no-one gets them all right to whoever gets most. Hey, even if you only know one answer you might as well enter, no-one entered last month, so you could win by default! Closing date, either April 23 [Needless to say, this is April 23 1998. Do it for fun. Answers in a future back issue. If you want to brag, e-mail them to me.] or when someone gets them all, whichever is sooner. Please enter, someone, please!!!

Pop Quiz, Hotshot! Part two

In which I ask questions and you lot give me the answers. Righty-o last month's answers;

2 - Kenickie stuff; the gold star goes to Jasmine from Berkshire, who had all the answers! Catsuit City is a 7" with eight tracks on it; Ramalamalama, Private Buchowski, Come In, Snakebite, My Nights Out, Skateboard Song, Perfect Plan and Jellybean. The Slampt via LP is called Elastic Jet Mission. Matt from Flying Doctors also said some of this too, but not in as much detail. Cheers to ya both!

And this month's new questions are;

(But first a warning; the following few paragraphs contain the word "fantastic" far too many times. You have been warned!)

2.1 - Has anyone heard of a band called Angel Pie? A few years back they released a single called She, which I thought was fantastic. Since then I have heard nothing from them. Any info??? Where are they now??? [And I'm still looking. All I know is that they released the one great single. There was supposed to be an album called Jake, but I have never seen it anywhere. Did it ever make it to the shops…?]
2.2 - Even As We Speak. They used to be on the now legendary and sadly missed Sarah Records. Around the time of Heavenly's PUNK Girl (June 93) they released a single called Those Blue Eyes Deceiving Me, which I thought was fantastic, but rather stupidly didn't buy. The only other thing I have heard of theirs is a track called Drown, which is on the final Sarah release There and Back Again Lane and is fantastic. Any info??? Where are they now??? [Found out loads about this lot…]
2.3 - What are the lyrics sung in the background during the fantastic song by Heavenly; Atta Girl? I know it starts off by repeating the first few lines "Now I always act so dumb, seem to fuck things up for fun, I just can't stop myself behaving like my head needs re-arranging. " but after that it kinda fades into the background and becomes a little indistinct. Fragments I have picked up include (I think): "...when I dream of you...""...seems like all you're trying to do is…" "…showers…" "…see me try…" and "…make me die…" [Eventually I found out what it was all about; see #11]

That "E" Film again...

Yesterday, I heard some rather good news about The Exorcist. Apparently, in a dark dusty Warner Brothers archive, a discovery was made. Ten minutes of footage cut from the film has been found. It comprises four scenes;

1 - Regan's "first" medical examination, which was cut because director William Friedkin thought it slowed down the movie too much and in any case the viewer knows that Regan's condition is not one that can be solved by popping a few pills....
2 - The "uplifting" epilogue scene. Detective Kinderman and Father Dyer talk about movies, this echoes an earlier scene in the movie in which the detective has a similar conversation with Father Karras. Friedkin hated this scene, William Peter Blatty (the writer) loved it.
3 - A scene with Father Merrin and Father Karras discussing the theological implications of the reasons behind the devils possession of Regan (ie; the devil didn't possess Regan to get at her, it was the people around her). Friedkin though that this scene overstated the themes of the movie.
4 - The infamous spider-walking scene, in which Regan wanders around the house on all fours (back, not front nearest the ground).

But that's not the best news, oh no. Later in the year the BBC is to screen a documentary produced by the leading Exorcist expert Mark Kermode. And this documentary will feature these cut scenes. I can hardly wait, baby... [Did anyone catch this reference...?]

But what I want to know is this; is there any footage still sitting there undiscovered? The original rough cut of the movie ran to 140 minutes. When it was released it ran to 122 minutes. They've found ten minutes, that means that possibly there is another eight minutes waiting to be found. There is one scene that has not been found; Regan's birthday trip. This scene comprised of a montage of shots of Regan and her mother sightseeing, and included a scene at the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier. There is however, some doubt as to whether or not this scene was actually shot. There are photos of Regan and her mother at some outside location chatting, yet at no time during the 122 minute cut of the movie are there any external scenes with Regan.

Also, the paranoid X-Files conspiracy theory part of me has started to think how coincidental all of this is. 1998 is the 25th Anniversary of the release of The Exorcist and by an amazing coincidence, the very same year all this previously unseen footage turns up... Just in time for the 25th Anniversary re-release. Now, I don't know what shape or form the re-release will take, whether it will be a straight re-release of the original movie or (as is more likely) a new cut re- instating the four cut scenes. I couldn't really say at this point whether or not the film would benefit or not from these extra scenes (the original cut would get a Munch Mark of 10), but I'd like to see them, especially the spider walk. [They did both, eventually. A straight re-release, followed a year later by an extended version, which I have still to see…]

And I don't know why, but I get this feeling that by the end of 1998, The Exorcist will finally be out on video. It's just a hunch, a feeling, nothing more, it's not based on any facts, I guess I'm just kinda feeling a little optimistic. [Well, by the end of 1999, anyway!]

Resolution; never quote a Cracker episode title ever again... [You did spot the Cracker episode title, didn't you...?]

And as I'm mentioning Cracker, I might as well talk about the American version; Fitz. Now I was expecting it to be quite bad, but was pleasantly surprised to find out that it's actually quite good. In the typical American way, Fitz's first episode was a reworking of Cracker's last; True Romance in which Fitz is stalked by a nutty young lady (who in Fitz was played by Sarah Paulson who was Merlyn in American Gothic). It transferred quite well to its new American format, the original was still better, though. Robert Pastorelli who plays Fitz actually does a pretty good job. The overweight, hard drinking, chain smoking, gambling phycologist who was played to perfection by the legend that is Robbie Coltrane has been changed into a slim, drinks the occasional Bud, fiddling with an unlit cigarette, gambling phycologist. It's just a bit of a shame Pastorelli can't get to be Quite as much of an obnoxious git as Coltrane could get to be. He's still quite obnoxious, though...

Of the nine "proper" Cracker episodes (the piss poor Hong Kong offering doesn't count) they have so far remade three. True Romance, which was a two-parter both here and in America and was translated pretty well. The Mad Woman In The Attic (renamed The Madwoman) otherwise known as the one where someone gets murdered on a train - and the first Cracker episode. Chopped from two to one parts. As was Lemmings Will Fly the retitled (for the worse) One Day A Lemming Will Fly (see, much better title...). This is the really cool one where Fitz gets the wrong man, but he's confessed and refuses to retract the confession... (well I like it anyway...)

So as I write this there are six Cracker stories to be remade and I would put money on some of them being omitted. To Say I Love You (Bonnie and stuttering Clyde), The Big Crush (Religious cult) and Best Boys, (Clyde and Clyde) will probably get done at some point. Men Should Weep (the Jimmy Beck rapes Panhandle one) and its sequel are unlikely to be done, but possible. But To Be A Somebody (Robert Carlyle as a skinhead out to gain revenge for the Hillsborough disaster) is the one that they will certainly not do. It would have no meaning or relevance for an American audience. [So I was very surprised to see at the start of one episode "based on To Be A Somebody, by Jimmy McGovern". The episode appeared to bear no relation at all to the story to start with, and it turned out that the reason for the credit was that the episode lifted a couple of Fitz's scenes from TBAS, but not any of the Albie plotline.]

It remains to be seen how well they will cope with writing their own Fitz scripts and if they will be up to the very high quality of Cracker. As I write only one original story has been shown (hermaphroditic baby kidnap) which wasn't too bad, a bit gimmicky though and not quite as good as the likes of a Jimmy McGovern script.

But a couple of days ago I learnt the sad news that it's been axed already. American viewing figures went through the floor. Another series to last just one season. Although before I heard this there was a far more intriguing story (whether or not it is true I do not yet know). It was suggested that one of the Fitz episodes would feature a "villain" played by a certain Mr Robbie Coltrane...

Now that would be worth watching.

[And indeed it was!]

Another really cool compilation!

And that is Deceptive Fifty, a nineteen tracker with lots of funky tunes on it. In fact I don't think there's a single duffer on there at all. Highlights include the now legendary Stutter by Elastica, Bring Me Daughters by Jonathan Fire Eater, I See Red by Unun, Teenage Girl Crush by Angelica (it's where that "Iooking up her A-Iine skirt" line is from), but the funkiest of all is the Snuff version of the Whatever Happened To The Likely Lads theme tune. This was out at Christmas a couple of years back and it was impossible to find (believe me, I tried), but now here it is on a shiny CD and life just gets better. Quite possibly the best theme song to any TV programme (except possibly Twin Peaks). [Bollocks! It is the best the best TV theme!]

Top Ten Aussie Soap Characters

10 - Beth Brennan

She just had to be in the ten, didn't she? Beth was, of course, played by the lovely Natalie Imbruglia who is quite probably the most gorgeous babe in any Aussie soap ever... Yet she's only at number 10??? Well, ya see, this is all about character, not good looks; if that were the case Beth would be number one, no question. There is no sexier Aussie than young Natalie. And her relatively low position is nothing to do with her acting ability either. The thing is in Aussie soaps there are certain character types (I'll explain this sometime [I never did.]). Beth was what is known as a "tasty honey", in that she was the gorgeous young babe who gets together with the handsome young bloke (in her case Brad). Further examples of this type of coupling are Scott and Charlene, Gemma and Matt, Bronwyn and Henry, and so on. Beth was the best of these, but even so her part wasn't terribly well written and there is only so much an actress can do with an underwritten part. So there! Beth was one of the many waifs and strays to stay at the Ramsey house; she was Madge's niece (grand-daughter of her grumpy brother Tom). She soon got it together with Brad, the surfie with a heart of gold and a brain of straw. But this being Neighbours, problems soon arose. Brad, for some reason, decided that young Beth wasn't enough for him (see what I mean about brain of straw...) and decided to start humping Lou Carpenter's slapper of a daughter Lauren (who was admittedly a bit of a honey). She contracted an STD from humping too many blokes and there was a bit of a scare as to whether or not she had given it to Brad and if he had passed it on to Beth (they were both "clean" it turned out). And then there was much trials and tribulations as Brad finally came to his senses and decided it was Beth he loved, but would she forgive him? Course she would! They got hitched (complete with sign on car saying "Just Married - At Last!") and headed off to Perth or Brisbane or somewhere else that wasn't Erinsborough. Beth was cool, Beth was funky and in the honey stakes beat off all competitors. Over the years many characters (including Bronwyn (Rachel Friend), Gemma (Beth Buchanan), Cody 2 (Peta Brady), Libby(Kym Valentine) to name but four) have tried to steal Beth's "Top Honey In Neighbours" crown and all have failed. Some came closer than other& but in the end Beth, Natalie Imbruglia, is still the most gorgeous babe ever to appear in Neighbours...

Next issue; No 9... (and you'll never guess what it is...)

Single of the year so far: three way tie, If You Can't Do It When You're Young; When Can You Do It When Can You Do It? by Theaudience; The Ballad of Tom Jones by Cerys and Space; Big Mistake by Natalie Imbruglia. [Can you work out what will win when it comes to issue #11? Is it one of this trio, or something completely different...?]

Back Issues: well... I don't really want to sell back issues... But if you have more money than sense then if you send me a fiver, I'll send you one of the few remaining copies of issue one... (Yes, that's right; it's a complete and total rip offi) It'll never be re-printed, although bits of it will probably be used in the first Munching Carpet Annual when that's out. [That'll be the same day that the BBC TV archive is 100% complete, then…]

Top Ten Truth Or Dare Questions...

Compiled by Munching Carpet's resident pervert, Timmy 2Hedz.

1 - Have you ever, or would you ever, cheat on your partner and if so would you confess?
2 - Have you ever used items of restraint, such as handcuffs, during sexual activity?
3 - What was your worst sexual experience?
4 - When did you last have a 'hand shandy' or 'fish finger' and who were you thinking about?
5 - If you had to, which one of your friends of the same sex would you 'butt ruck' or 'lick pussy'?
6 - If you had to, would you eat, or at the very least attempt to eat, a freshly laid human turd in order to save my life?
7 - Where is the most bizarre place you have had sex (up the dungy doesn't count!)?
8 - Have you ever faked an orgasm, and if so who was it with?
9 - What is the lowest cash sum you would accept for 'felching' somebody?
10 - Have you ever used an inanimate object to aid sexual pleasure?

All of these ten questions are certified 100% genuine and have been used by myself in Truth or Dare games. The one question not on this list that you must always use as your very last question is: "What is the question that you are most glad that you weren't asked during this game? And yes, you've got to answer it too!"

Other subjects not touched on in the list include; taking drugs, would you, have you, what type? Shagging work colleagues, would you, have you, who? Body piercing" would you, have you, where? Shagging your best friend's partner, would you, have you, who? Positions page number in Kama Sutra etc? Kinky stuff, what, where, who, details, possibilities? Sex with animals? Sex with cousins? Sex with fruit, (melons!)? Digestive biscuit race... etc, etc... [Timmy did explain the biscuit race to me, I can't recall what it was, but I do recall that it was quite, quite disgusting...]

Do you have any really juicy questions that I have overlooked? If so send them to Ash at the usual Munching Carpet address.

Next issue may or may not include "Top Ten Dares". Depends on my mood, really... [Don't get excited; it doesn't!]

Grange Hill…

I always thought I'd been watching Grange Hill from the very beginning. Then when the repeats started, I saw the first series and it was all stuff I had never seen before. Then the second series started and it was instant deja-vu! The very first episode I had seen was the first one of the second series (I was very very young!). Benny Green finds a fifty pence piece on the floor and is accused of stealing it because he's "so poor". Or something. Over the years there've been a ton of funky characters, highs and lows, the funny and the serious, all sorts of stuff. And then sometime during the mid nineties it went dodgy for a couple of years. But now it's the late nineties and things are getting better.

The current series is the best it's been for ages, you've got the Sean, the Scottish bully, who is officially the best bully in Grange Hill... Ever. Yes, even better than Gripper! He strolls around, sneering at everyone, scheming and generally picking on all the young kids. In his first episode he got someone beaten up (Colin) because he was hanging around a girl (Judy Jeffries) who one of his mates (Alec) fancied. Then he was behind the knifing of Judy's face, although it was a case of mistaken identity and the intended victim was her boyfriend Wayne, and now he's trying to get Matty to plant drugs on Wayne! I'm sure he'll get his come-uppance by the end of the series and I'm certain young Matty will be behind it.

Then you've got the Laurie/Chris/Dill love triangle, as well as Adam's troubles, Dennis' enquiry (£500,000!!!), the roller hockey team and much more. It's all really rather good and is getting almost as good as the halcyon days of old when the likes of Tucker and his mob and Zammo and his gang were around. Still haven't found a teacher to top Mr Bronson, though, few things could beat his cry of "KENDAAAAAAL! My office! NOW!" Ahh, top notch stuff, they should bring him back...

Next issue; top ten Grange Hill characters. Bet ya can't wait!

Bunny Balarney...

Rumours have reached Munching Carpet concerning a feud between actors John Malkovitch and Nicholas Cage. It is a well known fact that the Bunny in Con Air belonged to Nicholas Cage. Well known to everyone except Malkovitch. On the last day of filming, Malkovitch thought that it would be a good idea to take a souvenir. He chose the Bunny. Cage had placed the Bunny on the roulette table and said "now ickle bunny-wunny, wait for me, don't go off with any nasty strangers will you?" Malkovitch saw the Bunny and thought it had been abandoned and claimed it for himself. When accosted by Cage, he put his thumb to his nose, wiggled his fingers and said "Finders keepers, losers weepers, na na na na na! " Cage was devastated and went home and cried like a jessie. Later, after seeking legal advice from his mummy, Cage told Malkovitch's mummy that he should give back his ickle Bunny-wunny or he would tell all his friends that Malkovitch wore girls' underwear (to which she is alleged to have replied "It's not girls' underwear, it's little Johnnie's underwear. Anyway, what's wrong with little pink flowers and butterflies?"). Malkovitch gave the Bunny back, but was not happy at all and threw a tantrum. Malkovitch's mummy then sent him to bed without supper

EMU, ELU, ELO, PLO, PTO, PTA, ETA, ECA, ECO, ACO...

Well, everyone's worried about EMU (that's European Monetary Union, not Rod Hull's feathered chum), but I reckon we should more worried about ELU - European Language Union, a common language for all Europeans. Now the problem is this; no-one wants to speak the language of Johnny Foreigner. Each country thinks their language is the best. Well if we can't agree on using one country's language, how about the universal language of Esperanto? Er, no, at the last count this language was spoken fluently by three people in a tree in Bolivia, and one of them was a bit iffy at it. No, no, there is one true answer and that answer is; NADSAT!!! Anthony Burgess' invented language from A Clockwork Orange. Just think; in Nadsat you wouldn't be hit in the bollocks, you'd be tolchocked in the yarbles, a sexy babe would be a tasty young devotchka, you'd never lose your head, just your Gulliver, wrinklies would become vecks, you'd slooshy some music and viddy the TV and so on... It'd be perfect! Just as long as it was just the language of ACO and not the ultra-violence of Alex and his Droogs, my brother.

Falling in Love

I don't really know when I fell in love with Kenickie. With most bands I can quite easily say, "yes, that's the song I fell in love with"! With The Pixies it was Monkey Gone To Heaven; Heavenly, P.U.N.K. Girl; Helen Love, Bubblegum; A House, Take It Easy On Me; Natalie Imbruglia, Torn; Belly, Feed The Tree; Pulp, Do You Remember The First Time; and so on... It was kinda gradual with Kenickie.

I don't even remember what the first Kenickie single I heard was. It would have been either Come Out 2Nite or Punka, but I can't really be sure. I heard their songs on the radio on The Evening Session and the much missed and no legendary Mark Radcliffe Graveyard Shift show, but they never grabbed me. I never rushed out to by them like I had so many others. Very odd. Then, one day in HMV , not long after Millionaire Sweeper had been released, they started playing Punka and I thought to myself "hang on, why haven't I bought this Punka song; it's rather nifty". So I looked in the singles section and found Punka and Millionaire Sweeper and bought them both. I was hooked. I listened to them over and over again and from that moment by heart was lost to Kenickie.

12 Reasons Why I Love... Kenickie.

[12 reasons, rather than 10, as this feature was inspired by the rather excellent My Life Story song entitled 12 Reasons Why...]

1 - The bit from In Your Car when they go "D'yer reckon?". One of the truly classic moments in the history of pop. Like any Elvis song when he goes "Uh-uh-uh" or the bit in Roy Orbison's Pretty Woman when he goes "Mercy! ". It just lifts the song up to another, higher level.
2 - The fact that I bought two copies of At The Club before I even heard it (one on tape, the other on CD). Well I couldn't wait until I got home from work to listen to it and the CD was only a tenner and the tape a fiver, so I thought hey, why not? (And that since then I've bought a third copy, an American Promo CD with 2 extra tracks on it; Private Bukowski and Cowboy. Both exactly the same.as their b-side appearances, though.)
3 - The appearances on Never Mind The Buzz cocks by Lauren and Marie. Both classic slices of, television, both put fifties throwback Mark Lamarr in his place. Here's hoping the third series features either Ernmy-Kate or Johnny. Although I still remain optimistic, in my fantasy induced land, that at some point there will be a NMTB Kenickie Special, in which all four guests are the members of Kenickie... (We can dream...) [You got that reference, right...?]
4 - The penultimate edition of Mark 'n' Lard's Graveyard Shift show, anarchy has a new name. It's name is Kenickie!
5 - The fact that they're named after a character from Grease. (Sad Anorak fact; Jeff Conaway, who played Kenickie in the film, can be seen these days as Zack Allen in top sci-ti series Babylon 5. ("The hell I will! ")) And Grease is being re-released in the Summertime! Yay!!!
6 - Their cover of the Pixies song Letter To Memphis, taking an out and out thumping rock-type tune and transforming it into a fifties style doo wop song. Marvellous...
7 - The "hidden" Milk Bar song at the end of the At The Club CD. As they say, quite rightly; "It's a classic!".
8 - The fact that one of them (I don't know which one, Emmy-Kate I think, but I don't actually know, so I could be wrong), appeared in top Geordie kids TV programme Byker Grove (man) in the PJ and Duncan days of old... (ie when it used to be quite good.) [It was Emmy-Kate, she was one of those people who hang around the Grove in the background. She apparently had one single line "Look he's over there." Never seen it, though…]
9 - It's official; they have never done a single song that doesn't ROCK BIG TIME!!! Every single Kenickie song is quite simply brilliant. Few other bands can make such a claim. All their singles are fab, although People We Want is one of the greatest songs ever and should have been a single; it's a masterpiece! I just get goose bumps every time I hear it! And all their B-sides are fantastic, too. Especially Lights Out In A Provincial Town, which I could listen to forever!
10 - They wear leopardskin clothes. And glitter. And they look incredibly funky. And drop dead gorgeous. And you would, wouldn't you?
11 - Timmy 2Hedz hates them and thinks their music is "drivellous pap and they should learn to suck dick rather than suck lollypops while trying to make hard rock which they seem to have mistaken for girly trash. And the Red Hot Chilli Peppers piss on them from a great height. And I'd only shag the ugly one out of pity. ". (I would beat him up for this disgusting slur on Kenickie's good name, but he's (almost) got a black belt in kickboxing and is the WUMA European Self Defence Champion and is therefore "well 'ard"!) He has no taste!
12 - Lauren on the last ever edition of Light Lunch. Move over Anne Robinson, your time is over. There is a new World Champion Winker in town. This champion is Lauren Laverne and she ROCKS! IN CAPITALS! (And other towns that aren't capitals as well...)

Fitz update; four down, five to go. They've done To Say I Love You, chopped down from three 50 minute episodes to one 45 minute episodes. Not as good as the original, a little disappointing really; it didn't have enough of a build up, should have been a 2-parter at least.

Father Ted

I'm sure you all know by now that Dermot Morgan, who played Father Ted died. Munching Carpet offers as its tribute, the following poem, entitled "Ted ";

Father Ted
Is dead
There'll be no more
No series four.

Two minutes silence, please. (That means no reading as well!)

Ten Easy Steps To Becoming... Oasis!

[I always intended to do more of thes, but never quite got around to it...]

1 - Say "Yeah, I'm mad for it me! " whenever someone asks you if you want something or if you like to do something. Eg; Would you like a cup of tea? "Yeah, I'm mad for it, me! ". Do you want some sprouts? "Yeah, I'm mad for it, me!". Do you ever jump off high buildings? "Yeah, I'm mad for it, me!". Wank a lot do ya? "Yeah, I'm mad for it, me!". And so on...
2 - Write songs that rip off, whoops, sorry, "pay homage" to the Beatles.
3 - When approached by a fan (that's the people who pay your wages), tell them to "Fook off' and then punch them. Especially of they've got the nerve and cheek to try to take a photo of you.
4 - Believe all the hype about you that you're the best band on the planet. When you're quite clearly not.
5 - Walk (and act) like a monkey.
6 - Say glib, throwaway statements along the lines of "Well, having ten lines of charlie, nine "E"s, a few shots of smack topped off with a liberal amount of speed is just like drinking a cup of tea, like man. D'yer know what I mean? I'm mad for it me."
7 - Be a rock and roll rebel and go to tea with the Prime Minster and in a supreme act of rebelliousness behave politely! ! ! After all that's the ultimate ;n Rock 'n Roll rebellion; everyone will think you'll misbehave, but in fact you'll surprise them all by BEHAVING WELL!!! What irony!
8 - Start a feud with another band, then make sure the press hypes it up out of all proportion culminating in the release of singles by both bands on the same day as kinda like a fight; whoever gets the highest chart position is the winner! But really it's just a ploy to sell more records; behind all the hype you're really the best of buddies and you go round to eachother's houses for a few bevvies and to watch the footie and stuff.
9 - Whatever you do, ensure that the word "fuck" is in every single sentence you say. But be sure to pronounce it correctly; "fook".
10 - Release a few bloody good singles!

[Although I take the mick out of Oasis, I can justify their existence in five words; Our Friends in the North. And if you want elaboration, just watch the series from beginning to end. Or wait for the urp Our Friends article... I'd watch it, if I were you. Let's be honest, the speed I'm writing at the moment, you'll be lucky to see it by 2003.]

Last week, the NME said on its front cover "Ever get the feeling you've been cheated?" Well, yes, NME I have got that feeling. I've just bought the first issue of the "new look" NME and I certainly get that feeling. Right. Let's see what's "new" about its "look". Well, it's printed on different paper. And it's got more colour. And, er, that's it! There has been no redesign, no new logos, no new bits, no new ideas, no new anything. For weeks now they've been trumpeting this new look as a revelation and it isn't. And for these half baked changes they've put the price up by l0p a week. It's a bit of a Bruce! [The NME sucks.]

And I really don't like to say this, but haven't Pulp gone a bit whiffy lately? When Help the Aged came out, I didn't really like it and I assumed it must have just been a blip, and that come the release of the next single everything would be okay. But I was wrong. Isn't This Is Hardcore the biggest pile of overblown tripe in ages?

''It's A Mystery To Me" Number One; a vacuum flask works because the vacuum prevents heat getting out or heat getting in, apparently heat cannot travel through a vacuum. Yet we get all of our natural heat from the sun. But space is a vacuum. So how does the heat get through? It's a mystery to me!!! [This is solved in a future issue. I know the answer. I don't need telling again!]

Last Bits

WelI, we're at the end of the second issue of Munching Carpet, and hey, we're stilI here. Credits; Edited by Ashley Stewart. Written by Ashley Stewart and Timmy 2Hedz. Layout, typesetting, copying and so on by the now legendary Ben Thompson.

Send aII letters/contributions/competition entries/answers etc to; Ashley Stewart, [Old munch address].

Cheers this issue go to: Timmy 2Hedz and Ben Thompson for their contributions to Munching Carpet; Jasmine for the Kenickie stuff; Natalie Imbruglia for being; Homer Simpson for the joy of D'oh; My Life Story for their song Twelve Reasons Why I Love Her; Mel and Sue for having Lauren on light lunch. Jeers this issue go to: Timmy 2Hedz for his Kenickie comments; the distributors of Jackie Brown.

I was in the bath yesterday, and I heard something on the radio... the "new" single "by" Tin Tin Out. As it was playing I was thinking to myself "I know this I know this, it's a cover of 'Here's Where The Story Ends' by..." and I just couldn't think who it was by. For some reason I thought it was an old Sarah song, but I was wrong. Eventually, after deciding to go through EVERY CD I've got, (and only getting to about the 30th, thankfully) I found it; 'twas of course The Sundays. And the really "crazy" thing was that the day was a Sunday, so if I'd just thought "What day is it today?" I'd have got an answer much quicker...

Small Print: Munching Carpet is copyright 1998 to whoever wrote it! Munching Carpet is published on the 231d of each month (hopefully!!!) by Munching Carpet Publications, a division of Munching Carpet Enterprises (MCE) (MCE, mmm... doesn't that sound a little like CME...[And if you don't know to what this refers, then hang your head in shame….]). If you find the contents of Munching Carpet to be offensive then yarbles to ya! If you don't like it, don't buy it. It's that simple. (Although please note that the views of Munching Carpet's contributor are not necessarily those of the Editor.) If you do like it then please buy issue three, out on April 23. it should contain all or most of the following [I never learnt about promising what would come in the next issue, invariably at least half of what was promised in this fashion never turned up. How many of these are in fact in #3…]: Twelve Reasons Why I Love... ?? [No.]; a rant about horror movies [Yes.]; I might rant about A Clockwork Orange and Stanley Kubrick as well, but on the other hand, I might not [Yes.]: stuff about Kenickie [Yes, but this one is a little vague, and at the time 100% certain…]; Gratuitous Totty Picture Number 3 [Yes.]; Timmy 2Hedz' Theory Number 3; Film 23 [Yes]; paper lolly sticks [Yes.]; The Greatest Songs In The World... Ever... Part One [No.]; a rant about covers [Yes.]; a bit about The Bernards [Yes.]; and lots more stuff I haven't yet written [Yes]. I must apologise for the lack of pictures in this issue, that's because there was just so ouch good stuff to be written that the pictures got kinda squeezed out. Normal service will resume next issue. Maybe. As much as I don't want to keep banging abut Fitz, I have noticed two Twin Peaks connections; I. the theme tune is by Angelo Badalamenti who did the TP theme (he was also the '"Bad Angel" who teamed up with TIm Booth for that song I Believe). 2. the second original episode (kid accused of killing mum who was a bit of a slapper) was co-written by Barry Pullman who wrote four episodes (13, 19, 25 and 29) of Twin Peaks. Oh, and the bloke who plays "The Boss Cop" was the Drill Instructor in Full Metal Jacket. Ahh, I'm a mine of useless information. Whatever happened to Elastica? Am I the only one to notice the similarities between Smells Like Teen Spirit by Nirvana and Wild Thing by The Troggs? [They do sound very alike. Next time you play one of them, sing the other.] What have the Sun got against Natalie Imbruglia? Penultimate thought; wishing's not enough... Final Thought: you've got to become what you can...

[The Gratuitous Totty Picture was Kelly Brook, the photo was taken from a newpaper and was someting to do with a computer game she was plugging, or summat. Just picked for the eye candy factor, really... It got complaints, as did #3...]