You would, wouldn't you...?

Munching Carpet Issue One [Note that this reprints the entire unedited text and pictures of Munching Carpet Issue One. You will find the occasional comment on the text, but these are easy to spot as they will all be in red. Like this one!]

[Lauren Laverne was chosen for the front cover simply because I wanted a Kenickie front cover and she was, and remains, my favourite Kenickster. There were two versions of Issue One. The differences were minor, just a couple of corrected spellings and the removal of a reference to the zine being calle "Ruby Suprise", which escaped the search and replace due to the incorrect spelling. You can tell which version you've got by looking for an owl cave symbol on the top right of the Last Bits page. If it's there, you've got the second version.]

Munching Carpet

Some commonly asked questions about Munching Carpet...

What is Munching Carpet ?

It's a magazine. What do you think it is? A leopard that thinks it's a tree? A fish swimming in circles because it's stuck in a whirlpool? An armadillo that wants to be Ian Rush's moustache?

What is Munching Carpet about?

Just read it. You'll soon find out. You can read can't you?

Where does the name Munching Carpet come from?

The title is from the fevered imagination of Young Timmy 2Hedz. It was going to be called Ruby Surprise, from a line in the Kenickie song Brother John. [The title "Ruby Surprise" later resurfaced as the name of the eleven track compilation CD that came with Munch #23.] Do you have a copy of their album? If not, why not? Go out and buy it now. You won't regret it. Then you can sell your soul to Kenickie for a few pence, probably about twenty or thirty or so. But then you'll have to do everything they tell you. EVERYTHING!

How do I get a copy of Munching Carpet?

You've already got one. You're reading it now. You already know the answer to this question. You don't need me to tell you again.

1998

And so 1998 is upon us. It's now less than two years until the year 2000 and I am already fed up with the word "millennium" (unless it's followed by "Falcon"). It seems like by the time 2000 is upon us everything will be preceded by the M word. Millennium this, millennium that, millennium the other. Millennium bug. Millennium dome. Millennium countdown clock. Millennium brandy. Millennium fish. Millennium fowl. Millennium pants. Millennium sprouts. Millennium sex. Millennium belly button fluff. When will it end? Probably in 2001 when all the millennium bits and bobs will be piled high in Millennium Bargain Bins selling at a fraction of their year 2000 price.

In the spirit of Nostradamus I offer the following predictions for the coming years (some are deadly serious, some are taking the mick and the rest are wishful thinking).

1998

1999

2000

2001

2015

2027

That's enough predictions for now, back to the here and now.

And in the here and now it's January and the music scene has not quite got into gear yet. Except for Untouchable, by Rialto, which is quite simply fantastic. It's one of those songs that creeps up on you and then all of a sudden grabs you and you just can't stop listening to it. In fact, barring releases from The Usual Suspects (ie; Kenickie, Helen Love and Heavenly) it could possibly be the best song of the year.

So what have we got to look forward to this year from The Usual Suspects?

Kenickie

A new album. New singles. All of which, I can confidently say, will be fantastic. [They were.]

Helen Love

Mmm, no idea, to be honest, 1997 wasn't exactly prolific;six songs. But they were six brilliant songs, though. Hopefully this year will bring an album made up of new songs, rather than compilations of singles and b-sides. [Not that much in 98, just Long live the UK Music Scene. Took another two and a half years for an album.]

Heavenly

1997 saw the release of nothing. There must surely be something to come in 1998. And it will be top stuff, whatever it is. [Unbeknownst to me they had ceased to be. But Marine Research were waiting in the wings...]

The Pixies

Nothing. They split up five years ago. Frank Black will release something; it will be crap. Kim Deal will release something; it will be cool. [Kim Deal has at the time of writing (12/11/00) still to release a follow up to Pacer, released 10/95!!!]

Actually, whilst I mention The Pixies, I feel I must say something about "Death To The Pixies" the greatest hits compilation from last year. During the five years the Pixies were around, they only released seven singles (if you count Debaser). DTTP was a seventeen tracker, so as well as the hits, they had to include other songs. They chose for this album tracks. Which every Pixies fan on the planet already owned. Not alternative versions, not session tracks, the same ordinary album versions. Even so, the choice of tracks was a little suspect; the biggest and most glaring omission being "LevitateMe" which is miles better than most of the tracks on DTTP. And then there was the live album. Another disappointment. It just wasn't as good as it could have been. Rather than a live album, it would have been better to have a "Radio Seessions" album, which would have featured things like their version of the Beatles song "Wild Honey Pie" and the version of "Hang On To Your Ego" which they did which completely outclasses the Frank Black solo effort. Or even "Rock-A-My-Soul". But no, all of the songs on DTTP and the Debaser b-sides were alternative versions of songs we already had. Not a "previously unreleased" song amongst them. I've listened to DTTP a total of 2 times. I've probably listened to the Kenickie version of "Letter to Memphis" more times than all off DTTP put together. Maybe 4AD will see the error of their ways and release a sessions album. I wouldn't put money on it, though. [Good job I didn't, I'd have lost my money; 4AD saw the error of their ways and released the excellent Pixies at the BBC later in the year.]

Session Albums

And whatever has happened to session albums? There was a time when you'd see countless John Peel sessions on vinyl down at Our Price. They were always on 12-inch vinyl and on the Strange Fruit label. Actually "albums" is overstating it, they were more like 12" EPs. And they always seemed to be of obscure bands that no-one (ie me) had ever heard of. These days John Peel Sessions seem to be played on the great man's show and then bunged into the "safety" (ha ha ha) of the BBC's archive, only coming out when JP decides to repeat them. There are the occasional releases; a couple of years ago a CD of the Frank Black/Teenage Fanclub session came out. But what of the likes of The Usual Suspects? I'd rush out to buy a Kenickie JPS CD. So, come on BBC (as a Points of View letter writer might say) release some sessions; but not just John Peel ones, we want Evening Session and Mark Radcliffe ones as well!!! And bung interviews on them too, especially on a Kenickie/Radcliffe one; their appearance on the penultimate Radcliffe graveyard shift was a classic. I'd love to hear it again.[The last ever Kenickie release was a John Peel Sessions CD. Still no sign of a release for Letter To Memphis, the greatest cover version in the world... EVER!!!]

Radcliffe

Of all the DJs around at the mo, the greatest has to be Mark Radcliffe, ably assisted by the hapless boy Lard. It's now a year since the pair of them vacated the graveyard shift for pastures new and things just haven't been the same. First to the Breakfast show, which meant that due to a prediliction for getting out of bed as late as possible meant that I could listen for 30-40 minutes at the most. Now it's an afternoon slot, which, due to having to work means that I now listen to precisely no minutes of Radcliffe a week. [New job and we can listen to the radio while working. I can listen to them again. YIPEEEEE! Not as good as the Graveyard Shift show, it must be said...] Scrawn and Lard's graveyard shift replacement, Mary-Anne Hobbs, is pretty good, but she just doesn't have the edge that Mark and Lard had.

I just miss all of the things that combined to make Scrawn and Lard's show what it was; Mark Kermode's Cult Film Corner; Kim Newman's Cult TV; Simon Armitage's poetry bits; Joolz; That BMX Bandits geezer from Scotland (Douglas something, I think his name was); The dude from America; all the rest. See I'm forgetting things already.

Mark Kermode's Cult Film Corner was a film anoraks dream. He seemed to know the tiniest, most trivial pieces of information about any film you'd care to mention. And boy could he rant... If you were to mention the word "'Exorcist" he would spin off into a tirade about how fantastic the film was and how it was a disgrace that it's unavailable on video. (He's actually now written a book about the film.)

It was on Radcliffe's show that I first heard bands like Kenickie (Come Out 2Nite), Helen Love (Bubblegum), The Melons (From Hell to Helsinki), The Cardigans (Sick and Tired), The Bluetones (Slight Return), My Drug Hell (Girl at the Bus Stop) and many more.

Mark Radcliffe and Lard. we at Munching Carpet salute you...

CuIt FiIms

Mmm, Cult Film Corner... Now there's an idea that's ripe for the ripping off of… This issue's Cult Film is... [Cult Films were later replaced by Munch Tens. Eventually. And I should note that I do genuinely love the Spice Girls' movie. I'm not being ironic or anything...]

Spiceworld; The Movie...

Which, to be honest, I thought was going to be a bit on the poor side. I had visions of it being overly self indulgent and not at all funny. I was pleasantly surprised to see that I was totally wrong. Spiceworld is a fantastic film. It chronicles five days in the lives of the Spice Girls leading up to the date of their first gig at the Albert Hall. Celebs pop up every five seconds "and you're constantly going "oh, wasn't that so and so?" Celebs that do pop up are Richard E Grant (their manager, who doesn't get sacked), Roger Moore (a record company exec), Elton John (himself), Alan Curnming (documentary producer), Richard O'Brien (sleazy paparazzo), Barry Humphries (tabloid editor), Michael Barrymore (assault course dude) Elvis Costello (barman), Ally Frazer from Auf Wiedersehen pet ("it needs more jazz" cafe owner), Jennifer Saunders {doing her Ab Fab bit), Meatloaf (bus driver), Duffy from Casualty (a nurse), Billy from Eastenders (competition winner), and these are just the ones I can remember off of the top of my head. I'm sure there are more. [One really ironic thing about Spice World is that during the assault course scene, they do one of those chants, and the whole point to the chant is how the Spice Girls only work if there are FIVE of them. Wouldn't work with four, apparently...]

Ten Funky Lines From Songs

[These are in no real order, just happen to be ones I like.]

  1. "If I hadn't seen such riches, I could live with being poor. " James - Sit Down.
  2. "It was a shame when the papers found out her real name, what the joke was about. " Kenickie -People We Want.
  3. "Now I always act so dumb, seem to fuck things up for fun." Heavenly - Atta Girl. Insert gratuitous 'stake' comment here
  4. "You should put an advert in the music press; 'Sensitive guy needs a girl in a flowery dress'." Helen Love -Bubblegum.
  5. "Illusion never changed into something real. " Natalie Imbruglia - Torn.
  6. "I've been looking so long at these pictures of you, that I almost believe that they're real. " The Cure - Pictures of you.
  7. " Are you as good as I remember, baby?" Spice Girls - 2 Become I.
  8. "Come on pilgrim, you know he loves you! " The Pixies -Levitate Me.
  9. "When I first met you, I was in awe of you, I needed to have you. " A House -When I First Saw You.
  10. "I go woh! Homer goes d'oh!" The Simpsons - Deep, Deep Trouble.

[There was one page left over when making up issue one, and I needed something to put in it. In a Flash of inspiration, I saw this photo of telly totty Sarah Michelle Gellar and came up with the idea of a Gratuitous Totty Picture. Something which would cause more comment than pretty much any other Munch feature. But more on that over coming months. Note that SMG was included here before Buffy got really popular...GTP#1 was one of only two GTPs not to appear on the back page.]

Fictional Characters Come To Life In Sinister Plot (Or Something)

Film director David Lynch has pioneered a revolutionary new method of movie making. He has come up with a way of making characters from movies come to life. Using a process whereby you take a strip of film containing an image (full body) of the character you want and exposing it to newly discovered Snibbug Radiation over a period of six minutes, and then do some other stuff which sounds very complicated, you can actually make a film character into a real life person. Young Dorothy Gale, of Kansas, says of the revolutionary process "Well, I think it's amazing, I really do, although I do wish that nice Mr Lynch would bring my Auntie Em to life. Oh, life would be so perfect. " Frank Booth, of Lumberton, said "Well, fuckin' fuck me with a fuckin' piece of fuckin' sharp fuckin' wood, you fuckin' fuck. " And Nel Mangel, of Erinsborough, said "Well, really, Mr Booth, I don't think much of your language! "

The process has already been condemned by Mary Whitehouse of "The Interfering Old Biddies Who Should Get Out More Association". [You can tell what I think of her, can't you?] She cites a case when an attempt by Lynch to work out who really shot Nice Guy Eddie resulted in the death of Seven Joe Cabots, Seven Nice Guy Eddies, Seven Mr Whites and Seven Mr Oranges. Rumours that a Mr Pink was "put to sleep" after Lynch finally worked it out are unfounded. Whitehouse raged that the slaughter of so many real fictional characters was un-necessary and that if he had any sense that Lynch should just have read the script book, which would have saved any bloodshed.

Munching Carpet will have more on this exciting story when we make it up.

Ten Exciting Movie "Facts" (Honest, guv ! )

[I don't think anyone noticed that in each issue one of the Facts was in fact "true" or at least reported to be true. In #1 it was the Oz fact. Althugh it was in fact a false truth. If you get what I mean...]

  1. The first draft of Trainspotting really was about trainspotters.
  2. During the filming of Blue Velvet, Dennis Hopper refused to say the word "fuck". Every time his character says "fuck" it is in fact a sound-a-Iike whose voice was added during post-production.
  3. In Boogie Nights, the fake plastic todger that Mark "Marky Mark" Wahlberg whips out was based on the real life todger of actor David Hyde Pierce, who play Niles in Frasier .
  4. Adventures in Babysitting originally featured a scene in which Elizabeth Shue took her kit off. Unfortunately it was cut from the film. (thanx to Timmy 2Hedz for this info.)
  5. One of the sharks in Jaws was real and in a hilarious incident Richard Dreyfuss had a leg bitten off! This was later sewn back on in a nearby butcher's shop.
  6. In Reservoir Dogs, Nice Guy Eddie was supposed to be shot by Scooby Doo, but legal problems meant that Tarantino had to cut the part. If you look closely at Mr White's gun during the final mexican stand off, you can just make out a reflection of Scooby.
  7. In the background of one scene in the Wizard of Oz, you can see a man commit suicide by hanging himself.
  8. Top martial artist, Bruce Lee, was so allergic to sprouts that he banned them from the sets of all of his movies. Anyone caught with a sprout on set had to fight him to see who was hardest. Bruce never lost.
  9. During the filming of Die Hard, Bruce Willis never took his vest off; even when he went home. His wife Demi Moore banned him from the bedroom until shooting was complete.
  10. In The Exorcist, Linda Blair really was possessed by the devil in real life; that's how her voice was so convincing.

Mmm, now that's an idea...

The Exorcist and the BBFC

And what better time than now to have a rant about The Exorcist. Actually before I launch into a tirade, recent news has perturbed me somewhat; apparently the American Fox TV network is to produce a four (ie three) hour Exorcist mini- series, The sole good thing about this is that it is going to be directed by William Peter Blatty, the bloke who wrote the book. The bad things about it include the following; I - It's on American Network Television, which means that certain profanities (ie any meaty swearing; might have the word "crap", but that'll be as bad as it gets) used in the book and film will not be included. 2 - It's going to use "state of the art special effects". General rule of thumb; any film/series that boasts about its effects is usually pants. The original film had few proper effects, and relied on a tense atmosphere and blood curdling screams. It worked perfectly. 3 - It won't be at all scary. No American TV programme has ever been scary. Ever! (The closest was the scene in an episode of Twin Peaks when Leland/Bob kills Maddy.) All in all it will doubtlessly be a bit of a stinker. Having said that I'll watch it if they put in on over here. And you never know it could lead to a video release for the original film...

The BBFC are a bunch of overprotective zealots who want to wrap us all in cotton wool and make sure that the nastiest thing we see in a movie is a Volkswagen that comes to life. The Exorcist, one of the greatest movies of all time, is still unavailable on video. Jolly James Ferman, Director of the BBFC has constantly refused to give in a video release, this is despite the fact that a few years back all the BBFC examiners had a vote and the overwhelming majority said "Hey, let's release The Exorcist, uncut, onto video! ". Jolly Jim, who has final say on everything said, "Not on your Nelly Dingle!" Ferman's main argument for not releasing the movie is that children will get to see it; if he was certain that children would not get to see it then it would be released. But at least the film can still be seen at the cinema, which is something. But then there are films which you can't even see at the cinema; The Texas Chainsaw Massacre and The Last House on the Left immediately spring to mind. Jolly Jim permits The Exorcist in the cinema as it's a more controlled environment and children "can't get in". So in that case, Jimbo, why can't I, as an adult capable of making my own mind up about what I want to see, go to a cinema and watch The Texas Chainsaw Massacre or The Last House on the Left? Surely I have the right to choose for myself? If I want to see a film then I'll go and see it, if I don't want to then I won't. But in the case of TTCM and LHOTL I don't have that choice. [This was to be the first in a long line of pieces in which I attacked the BBFC for their over zealous cutting and banning of movies. Things have improved since James Ferman left, The Exorcist and Texas Chain Saw Massacre are out on video, the latter was also granted a cinema certificate. Last House on the Left remains banned, which is odd as it's about as scary and disgusting as an episode of Grange Hill. And the version I saw was the longer "Krug and Company" cut.]

Ten Exciting Facts You Didn't Know About The Simpsons
(inspired by similar" articles" in The Sun)

[If you know the Sun, you'll know how close to the real thing this is in places...]

  1. The Simpsons is a cartoon.
  2. The Name of the dad in The Simpsons is Homer. His surname is Simpson. He says "D'oh" a lot.
  3. The other members of the Simpson family are Marge, Lisa, Bart and Maggie. Their surname is also Simpson.
  4. Bart is an anagram (that's where you take a word and re-arrange it to make another) of "brat".
  5. At the start of every episode, Bart writes something on the blackboard.
  6. Other characters in The Simpsons include Ned Flanders, Smithers; option. Groundskeeper Willie and Patty.
  7. The character of Mr Bums is based on Rupert Murdoch.
  8. Only kidding, Mr Murdoch, we made the last one up!!!
  9. If you were to watch every episode of The Simpsons straight after eachother, with no breaks, it would take a very long time! Days, even. Maybe as long as a week!
  10. You can watch The Simpsons on Fantastic SKY TV!!! At Seven and the diner. O'Clock Every Day!!! In the proper order!!! At the Very Reasonable Price of £2,423 a month!!! Oh and you can watch it on BBC2 too, but it's not on as often and they show them out of order and they're old episodes which aren't as good as the new episodes on SKY TV!!! (Please note that SKY TV reserve the right to alter pricing structures at any time it chooses and you can't whinge about it because you've signed a contract which allows us to do what the hell we want. WE OWN YOU!!)

[This picture of the Simpsons was used as the issue's Centre Spread. Look, you can even see the staples...]

Very poor...

Timmy 2Hedz and His Amazing Theories

Number One; Bacon and Eggs...

"An undeniable 2Hedz theory for a perfect world"

You can have bacon and eggs.
You can have a bacon sandwich.
You can have an omelette.

Eating one of these choices should never detract from the value of the other choices.

Think about it. This could well be the most fantastic theory... ever. Basically, you should always have a choice. You should never be limited to just one option.

If you choose to eat a bacon sandwich, it doesn't mean that you like omelettes any less. If you usually have bacon and eggs, that shouldn't mean that you can never have the eggs without the bacon, and vice versa.

There are only a few rules which must be obeyed in order for this theory to fully work:

  1. Everybody involved should be aware of the theory, and be comfortable with the theory. This includes the chef, the kitchen help and the diner.
  2. Honesty is vital. You can not pretend to the chef that you only eat bacon and eggs in their restaurant, when in reality you are getting your eggs from the cafe round the corner every other night. You don't necessarily have to introduce the chef to the kitchen help, but you should at least mention that the kitchen help exists and that they do actually serve pretty good eggs!

If for whatever reason, the chef objects to you visiting another eating establishment, then you have two simple choices:

  1. You decide that this chef has the best bacon and eggs available and you will never eat anywhere else. In which case the bacon and eggs theory has lost its battle to the green eyed monster and you must never try the theory again... ever (a very hard decision to keep to).
  2. You decide that you can't survive only on the bacon and eggs in this restaurant and that everyone should be free to try an omelette if they find themselves tempted by a tasty cafe. In this case you will probably find that you can never have bacon and eggs from that restaurant again - and giving up those rather special bacon sandwiches will be harder than you think.

Of course, here's hoping that the chef isn't of the jealous nature and will never object to your dining habits.

But you must always remember, you are not an exclusive diner to the restaurant. There will probably be just as many other diners as there are other cafes in the street - maybe more. Never fall into the trap yourself of believing the green eyed monster - this monster is a trouble-maker and has no place in the 2Hedz perfect world.

"Poor is the man whose pleasures depend on the permission of another." - Madonna.

Coming next issue; another 2Hedz theory, which will bring us that little bit closer to a perfect world.

[Timmy 2Hedz, love him or hate him; without him Munch would have been a very different, and probably not as good, zine. You only have to see #24 to see how much his presence was missed to see the truth in this.]

Pop Quiz, Hotshot!

I don't know the answers to these questions, which does somewhat perturb me. Do you know? If you do, please, please let me know... You know the address; [Old Munch Address Was Here; not much sense reprinting it]...

  1. In The Wizard of Oz, when Dorothy is spinning through the air in the tornado, she sees a witch. Is this The Wicked Witch of The West or The Wicked Witch of The East? It looks like West, but as West and East are supposed to be sisters and would probably look alike, then it could be East. Also Dorothy's house squashes East, so it is possible that it could be East that she sees and then subsequently squashes. (The script book simply says "witch"; no help at all...) [East.]
  2. Early Kenickie releases. Are there any Kenickie singles etc that pre- date Skillex and all the At The Club singles? I've heard of Catsuit City, but know almost nothing about it. Also what is the name of the Slampt Records compilation that features a track called Rebel Assault? And are there any other obscure compilations that feature Kenickie songs? (Apart from And The Rest Is History with My Nights Out on it.) [Several.]
  3. The Yellow Pages. Every now and then, spoof entries pop up in the Yellow Pages, for a few years if you looked up "Boring" it said "See Civil Engineers". I've just been looking in the latest edition and it is no longer there. No entry for Boring. Also, many years ago there was supposedly an entry for "Batman" which read "See Bruce Wayne" You'd look up "Bruce Wayne" and it would read "See Batman" I say supposedly because I have never seen this entry So, my final question for this issue; did the Batrnan/Bruce Wayne entry ev" really exist? If so, do you have a copy that you could send me? (Just a copy of the relevant pages; not the entire chunky book!) And are there any other spoof entries that have crept in? (Copies, please!!!) [None, even Boring has been taken out of the latest editions.]
  4. Who is sexiest; Lauren Laverne or Natalie Imbruglia? I just can't make my mind up II! [Lauren. To think I ever doubted this!]

I'll print the best replies in a future edition of Munching Carpet... [Sure did, keep watching Back Issue Of The Month to see how the full answers went...]

Observations…

As I type this bit of Munching Carpet it is January 23 In a week's time, on BBC2 at six pm, in the space where The Simpsons should be is a programme about the upcoming winter Olympics. Great. I guess that when they actually start we'll get this all the time. A few weeks when we will be denied the cry of a fat balding idiot going "D'oh!" A few weeks of boredom and misery I mean, what's better; watching the best TV programme currently in production (ie The Simpsons, in case you hadn't worked it out) or watching a bunch of skiers and ice skaters prancing about? I can't think of one winter sport I actually like to watch I like having a go on the skiing simulators down at the local amusement arcade, but when it come to watching the stuff it's Yawn Central!

TV at the moment isn't that good anyway, apart from The Simpsons", the only really decent programmes on are Frasier, which just gets better and better (I especially liked the one with Frasier's superrnodel girlfriend) and looking After Jo Jo, which although is incredibly depressing is none the less entirely compelling The X Files is going through a bit of a sticky patch; the one with the aeroplane crashing was excruciatingly bad in comparison to, earlier, better, episodes And Gamesmaster has now finished forever Still, at least there', the repeal of all 32 episodes of This Life to look forward to in a couple of months. [It actually took the Beeb over two years to get around to showing them...]

And in the summer there's the World Cup. Which is nice. Norrnally I don't give two hoots about footy, "Manchester United are now seventeen points clear of the second placed Wigan" or whatever. YAAAAWWWWWNNNNN .There's just no excitement. But when it comes to the World Cup and it's your country trying to beat all the Johnnie Foreigners, then that's a bit different. You know that it's a knockout competition and in order to stay in you must win every match. The Premiership is crap. Man Utd will win. So all the middling teams won't really give a toss if they win all their matches or not; just as long as they scrape together enough points to stay out of the relegation zones. They play for a draw. Safe football. Taking no chances. YAAAAWWWWNNNNN. In the World Cup you can't play to draw, you can't stay on the defensive for 90 minutes you have to go and attack. And if it is a draw you get extra time and then PENAL TIES. Penalties are fun. You're on the edge of your seat waiting to see which teams cocks up first (unless one of the teams is Germany [Or Argentina. Simeone, you suck you overacting ham!], in which case you've lost. No question). Waiting in anticipation. The atmosphere is tense and when the opposition cocks it up the relief is enormous. But then if you cock it up then all you have to look forward to is a place in a Pizza Hut advertisement. It should be fun. At least until England play Germany...

Competition Time !

Yes, folks, it a competition. With a prize! Actually a choice of prizes; choose from either 1 -the Heavenly (Trophy Girlfriend)/Bis (Keroleen) split 7" or 2 - The Pixies, Debaser (Studio) CD single or 3 - Helen Love, Does Your Heart Go Boom? CD single. All you have to do is answer the following easy questions:

  1. Where does the name "Munching Carpet" come from?
  2. What is the name of the episode of The Simpsons that features the voices of both Kelsey Grammer and David Hyde Pierce?
  3. What is the name of the lead singer in Heavenly?
  4. Which Pixies song did Kenickie do a version of for Radio I's Evening Session?
  5. What was Helen Love's first single on Che Records?
  6. From which song are the following lyrics taken; "Why don't you look at me like you look at that girl? I can see you watching her, looking up her A-Iine skirt"?

Rules; anyone can enter. So there. Make sure you let me know which prize you want on your entry otherwise I'll choose it for you (it'll be the Heavenly/Bis 7", probably). Send your entry to the Munching Carpet address which I told you earlier in the zine. First right answer wins. The closing date is when the next issue is out, whenever that might be, or when someone wins, whichever is first…[I'm sure I don't need to say it, but this competition has long since been won. Do it for fun, though...]

Tip for the top #1; If you can't do it when you're young, when can you do it? by Theaudience. Pop trivia, fact fans; the singer in Theaudience is the daughter of ex Blue Peter presenter Janet Ellis (Remember her? I do!).

Film 23 (cheers for the title, Bazza)

How's Annie? Boogie Nights

Mmrn, a film about a bloke with a todger so big he has to have weights strapped to his back in order to stop him toppling forward who gets paid to hump gorgeous birds (such as the gorgeous Heather "How's Annie?" Graham) and the like. The main thrust (ooer) to the film is the rise and fall (fnar) of Dirk Diggler, the aforementioned "large todgered bloke", who starts off as a nobody, then all of a sudden is a star. But he can't handle it and due to the large amounts of cocaine going up his nose, his large organ ceases to behave in the manner it should and his career takes a nosedive (like his todger). Although a little slow in places (some slight pruning would have alleviated this) it is a none the less compelling story of how fame can destroy your soul. Munch Mark - 7.

[The Heather Graham picture was put in mainly to tie in with this review, also because of my Twin Peak obsession. Note the caption; Heather Graham. She was in Twin Peaks. Rather than mentioning Boogie Nights]

Titanic

Titanic, right, is about this ship, right, and it like hits an iceberg and sinks, right, so what's the point in seeing it, right, 'cos I know what happens, right? Urn, no actually, WRONG. Titanic is not really about the ship itself, but rather about the people sailing on it and in particular the story of what happens when poor, working class Jack (Leonardo di Caprio) meets posh, upper class Rose (Kate Winslet) and the ensuing love story. You really do get drawn into the story through the characters and you really begin to care about who will manage to survive the disaster (although I found myself hoping that Billy "John Justice Wheeler" Zane and David "Thomas Ekhardt" Warner would both drown, 'cos they're a right pair of gits). Although the film is over three hours long you really don't notice. The sinking itself is spectacular and it is apparent where all the money went. There is one scene near the beginning which is breathtaking; it begins with a shot of the wrecked Titanic, slowly craning up. As it does so it changes seamlessly into a shot of the Titanic in the docks, brand sparkling new. The transition between the shots is perfect. There are 3 or 4 similar shots later in the film, but this first one is the best. Titanic is one of the best films I have ever seen and is only one of a handful of films to deserve a Munch Mark of - 10!

The Devil's Advocate

Al Pacino? As the Devil? At three o'clock in the morning? With his reputation? Bingo!!! Basically Keanu Reeves is a defence lawyer who comes to the attention of a big New York law firm when he manages to swing a Not Guilty verdict for his client who is obviously Guilty. The boss of this firm is a chap called John Milton (Al Pacino) who is, quite literally, the devil. Pacino's devil isn't of the faustian deal making type of film devil, he's rather more manipulative; he gives Reeves choices and it's up to him what he does. Reeves is actually pretty good; his acting talents really shine through, but the film is stolen by Pacino who chews his way through every scene he is in. The whole film builds to a climax in Pacino's office which has no less than three plot twists; the first makes you gasp in astonishment (although it's slightly reminiscent of another movie [The E film.]), the second makes you groan (yes, it's that bad), but the third (and best) makes you think... [It really is a great ending. Better than I expected!] A is a pretty good film, not the best devil movie ever (you can probably guess), but well worth a watch. Munch Mark - 7.

More movie reviews next issue...

Fiction Update

Munching Carpet has just learnt that David Lynch's pioneering "bring fictional characters to life process" has been replicated by a man in Cinderford. The man in question, known only as Mr W, brought to life "Betty Big Boobs" from the movie "Wet and Sticky part 3". In this "adult" movie, Betty can only be described as "gagging for it" all the time. Mr W thought it was a dream come true, but after three days of constant humping, he collapsed due to exhaustion. Betty then went around the town screwing anything with a penis. She was later spotted leaving Cinderford and heading north after shagging every bloke in town. [It was later noted by someone that Betty did not appear to be out of place in the town, as this is how most of the girls who live there behave... Rather mean of this person to say that, I thought.]

Rumours that someone has replicated a t-rex from Jurassic Park are unconfirmed as is the rumour that Darth Vader is now walking the streets of Birmingham. [For some reason I never mentioned this strand again!]

Last Bits…

And now that a couple of weeks have passed since I wrote the first couple of pages, the music "scene" is once more getting into gear. Today saw the release of the fantastic new single, Sylvie, by Saint Etienne. Also still to come is the aforementioned Theaudience single and Brimful of Asha by Cornershop. Oh, it's all gonna be great. Still don't yet know about The Usual Suspects, though...

Kit-Kats plea; at the mo there is a Simpsons promotion on Kit Kats. On the inside of Multipack 2-fingered Kit Kat wrappers there is a picture of a Simpsons character. If you have any spare ones, could you send me them? I would be incredibly grateful and you would have my eternal thanks…

Once upon a time there was a ten line space that had to be filled. Young Timmy 2Hedz said to fill it up with the word "pants" repeated lots of times, because apparently that would be "really funny". But the evil witch, who had previously banished Young Doris from the lands of coolness, was on her way back and the space had to be filled before her return or that meant the end of Munching Carpet! But then there was an idea from the valley of the Diamond Geezer; "Fit birds" said he, in a Scottish accent "Surround yourself with fit birds in clothing with a high degree of skimp!" [The Diamond Geezer being Dominic, of Gamesmaster fame.] So, the Young Hero [Ah, The Hero... memories...] went on a quest to find lots of fit birds. But where would he begin? He asked Young Timmy 2Hedz and he replied; "In my imagination!"

Credits; this issue edited by Ashley Stewart. Most of it was written by him as well, except for the bits that were by Timmy 2Hedz. Special thanks go to Ben Thompson [Without Ben, Munch would probably never have got off the ground. He is the zine's unsung hero. For a while he didn't do much, but he's back now and I, for one, am glad. See his anorak stuff. Fantastic.] for all the layout/design/"typesetting"/reproduction etc gubbins. All material is copyright 1998 whoever wrote it as it's them who do the hard work and stuff...

Small Print; Munching Carpet is just some cheap zine; I mean, 23p, it's a virtual giveaway. All of the content of Munching Carpet is the certified 100% true, except for the bits I made up, which if you've got even half an ounce of sense, you should be able to spot with no trouble at all. Next issue will be out when it's ready and should contain stuff about Kenickie, Helen Love, Heavenly, The Simpsons, Twin Peaks, Dodgy "Ten Things..." as well as the now legendary "Timmy 2Hedz and His Amazing Theories!" Feel free to write to me telling me what you thought about Munching Carpet, but please note that I reserve the right to rip off anything you write and palm it off as my own work. (Only kidding, I'll credit you, honest!!!) Actually feel free to write me an article on something. Anything. But keep it brief, keep it to the point. I'll print almost anything, actually. So that's it for Munching Carpet issue one. I'll catch you, next time... Final Thought; if you choose "C", you'll end up like me...

[This picture of Natalie Imbruglia was used as the back cover. Again, it was because I liked it.]

You would, wouldn't you?
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