Munching Carpet #3

[You get the idea with the red bits by now;right?]

[The front cover this time, of course, tied in with the Grange Hill piece.]

[Issue #3 deliberatley had more pictures in after the almost total lack in #2. I've tried to place the little pix as close to how they appeared in the original as possible. God knows what's gonna happen when we get to #9!!!]

Stuff

Issue 3 is here and you know the score by now. Munching Carpet is beginning to feel a little familiar, a little comfortable. [Which is something it should never become.] You know where I'm coming from. Mmm... Big Mistake, Nat's second single didn't fare nearly as well as Torn. After an impressive first week at no 2, the "Morrissey Effect" kicked in and it started to spiral down the charts never to be seen again...Starting this issue; Part One of an "epic" A-Z of POP, this issue's letter is "A"... I am yet again very pissed off with film distributors. For the past couple of months there have been trailers and posters up saying that Scream 2 is out on April l0th and what do I find out from the current issue of Empire? Yes, that's right the little shits have put back the release. It's not quite as annoying as the Jackie Brown "Let's release our film in one cinema only" malarkey, but it still PISSES ME OFF!!! Now it's out May lst. Three weeks later than it should be. Ohh, it gets on my goat, so it does... And both Jackie Brown and Scream 2 are Miramax films. Is this a coincidence or is there something sinister going on? [Get a life.]

Lolly Sticks

Back in the old days, when I was a kid, as far as I was concerned, lollypops used to come in two kinds. The first sort, the not so good ones, were the ones with plastic sticks. Admittedly you could chew on the sticks for ages after the lollypop had gone, and there would always be a little bit to get out of the middle, but they just weren't as good as the second type. That second type was of course, the paper stick. Now some people didn't like the paper stick, "if you suck it too much it goes all soggy" was one of the (shallow) reasons cited for the plastic preference. But no, I always preferred paper sticks. Every time I had one, without fail, I would unravel the paper to see if there was anything written on the inside. I never had any idea what I might find, I just had to unravel them all just in case there was a message. Or a picture. Or something. There never was anything, though. I'm actually quite surprised that the lollypop makers haven't thought of this and used it as a competition. Find a winning message in your stick and get a prize! Maybe one day…

I Would Fix You

I'm sure you all know this by now, but it's worth mentioning anyway just in case. "I Would Fix you" is the fantastic new single by the greatest band in the world, Kenickie. The b-sides are called "Rough Boys and Modem Girls" and "Packed In". There may be more as well, 'cos it'll more than likely be a 2-CD thingie. And it will be out on 18th May. Probably. I can hardly wait, baby... And the album "Get In! " is out in August and will include the following "I Would Fix You", "Magnetron", "Psychic Defence", "Lunch At Lassiters", "Run Me Over", "Something's Got To Give", "And That's Why", and "Week Night". I expect there'll be a few more tunes as well as these, too.

Cover Me!

Why is it that some people continually whinge about cover versions? They say they're not "creative", and that the only "proper" music is that written by the artist performing the song. If that's your opinion, I say yarbles to ya! Cover versions are just as valid as an original song. If the "original artist" argument were taken to its logical conclusion it could be said that the entire classical music scene is just one big pile of "uncreative cover versions" and that the only valid performances of (for example) Beethoven's Ninth Symphony were those performed by Beethoven himself and all subsequent performers of his work are just creative non-entities with no talent! An argument which is, of course, a pile of steaming cack! Sure, there are crap cover versions, which either murder the original song, or show no inventiveness and record a version so identical to the original that you can't tell the difference. But then there are the great covers, the ones which take a song and put a different spin on it. Let's have some examples...

Inventive: Kenickie - Letter To Memphis.

In which Kenickie completely re-invent the Pixies classic. The original was all heavy guitars and snarly lyrics, whereas the Kenickie version took the basic tune and transformed it into a slice of fifties style doo wop bubblegum pop. And it worked perfectly! This is quite possibly the best, and most creative cover versions in pop... ever. [And remains to this day, the very best.]

Shite: East 17 - West End Girls.

Sometimes you're better off dead... One of those times is if you ever have the misfortune of hearing this pile of shite. The PSB original was a masterpiece, a great example of eighties disco/dance music. The EI7 version was a soul-less banal piece of trash, which they surely only did because; "Hey, listen to this" Brian said one day when he'd had a few too many 'E's, "This songs all about east end boys and that's like what we are, innit? So let's make a record of us singin' it, like, man!". When one of the PSBs heard it (can't remember if it was Neil or Chris, doesn't really matter, I suppose) they said "What have we done to deserve this?" (That'll be "Where The Streets Have No Name", guys...)

Obscure: Natalie Irnbruglia -Tom.

Although when it was released no-one knew it was a cover. Early this year the Sun revealed this so called "scandal" to everyone. Everyone with any sense replied by saying "Who cares? It's a great song!" Don't know what the original's like, but hey, who cares, Nat's version is a corker! [Another example is Hear'Say's Pure and Simple, originally by Girl Thing.]

Bad: The Farm -Don't You Want Me.

The Farm turned the Human League's finest three minutes into a sub-karaoke mess that is even worse than the efforts you get down the Ferret and Hand Shandy on a Tuesday night!

Relevant: Freedom - Robbie Williams.

The original by George Michael was about how he was glad to be rid of his teeny-bopper image; "l was every hungry school girl's pride and joy, and I guess it was enough for me! " Which is exactly the same position Robbie was in when he recorded his version. A rare occasion when the cover has as much "meaning" as the original and isn't just sung because" it sounds good "

Film 23

The Man In The Iron Mask

Mmm...This was a bit of a duffer. Even the top acting talents of those playing the four Musketeers (especially John "Bunny-Stealer" Malkovitch) could save this. The four of them try their best with a duff script full of cliche, which, if handled correctly could have been okay. But wasn't. The whole thing took itself far too seriously, and with such a naff script, this was a bit of a mistake. I preferred the TV series Dogtagnain And The Three Muskehounds myself. Munch Mark -4. (One for each Musketeer!)

Gattaca

First of all I should mention saw this at a post-midnight screening at the Showcase cinema miles away in Bristol (ie miles away [Ah, the irony…]) and before I review it there are a couple of things; I -They still have Pearl and Dean at Showcase. Pearl and Dean should be compulsory in cinemas. Sod Carlton Screen Advertising. Pearl and Dean RULE. 2 -They have reclining chairs. 3 -they showed an ad for Woody Allan's new film and the background music was La La Love You by The Pixies. Anyway, on with the review... Gattaca is all about genetics and all that kind of malarkey. It's quite a slow paced film and takes a while to get going, but is still rather good. The main "theme" of the movie is that even if you have seemingly insurmountable barriers in your way, you should still try to achieve your dreams; you've got as much chance as anyone else. Munch Mark -7.

"Banned"

[I'm sure all this BBFC malarkey bored people rigid, but still I insisted on writing about it… (and still do!).]

There are huge piles of films that the citizens of this country are unable to see because the likes of Jolly Jim Ferman (BBFC Director) think they are too scary or too depraving for us proles to see. There are ways around it though. If you are a member of a film society (with the proper licence) it is possible to arrange screenings of banned movies such as Last House On The Left and so on, as long as only members of the society are admitted. However, there is one film that you cannot see at a cinema in this country under any circumstances whatsoever. That film is A Clockwork Orange and the BBFC has never banned it. I'll repeat that, because it's so important. The BBFC has never banned A Clockwork Orange. It has a BBFC certificate (18) for cinemas. However, a certain person going by the name of Stanley Kubrick, who happens to be the director and producer of ACO decided that (for a never properly explained reason) he would withdraw the film from distribution in the UK. And with a puff of smoke, ACO vanished and has never been seen (legally) in the inside of a British cinema since. Oh, there have been covert screenings of it, the (now closed) Scala cinema in London showed it a number of times. Then they got a little too cocky and openly advertised a screening, which went ahead and before you could say the words "breach of copyright" the cinema was fined a few thousand Pounds and went bankrupt! It is important to note that they were not fined for screening a banned film, they were fined for showing a film without the permission of the copyright holder (Stanley K). Ah, I hear you cry, A Clockwork Orange is banned on video! No, wrong again. ACO is not, and has never been banned on video. It has simply never been submitted to the BBFC for classification. There's a difference! If it were submitted, it's unlikely it would be passed uncut, Jolly Jim has said that there are at least two scenes (including the "singing in the rain" bit) that would be hacked away at. But the chances of Kubrick even allowing Warner's to submit the film for classification are somewhere between zero and none. (Oh, and technically The Exorcist isn't actually banned on video either; it's never been officially submitted to the BBFC. What tends to happen is that Warner's (them again!) approach the BBFC asking them to consider The Exorcist for a video certificate, Jolly Jim says "no, don't submit it yet, the time is not yet right" or something. This is actually quite encouraging, because if a video is submitted to the board and rejected (ie banned) then that decision can never be overturned unless the film is substantially re-cut (re The Evil Dead). So in not allowing a submission and thus an inevitable rejection, Ferman's actions suggest that he thinks that at some time in the future The Exorcist will be allowed an uncut video release and he doesn't want to jeopardise this by prematurely banning it. Well, that's my theory anyway.) James Ferman update; at the end of this year, James Ferman is to retire after 23 years as the UK's chief censor. Depending on who they appoint to replace him, this mayor may not be a good thing. Remember, although Ferman has a few eccentricities (his Nunchuka policy for one) and refuses the E film a video release, on the whole he is generally fair. After all he did allow video certificates for Reservoir Dogs (eventually), Natural Born Killers (still not released) and the like when there were cries from Mary Whitehouse's mob that they shouldn't be released at all. The best case scenario would be a censor whose a bit more likely to pass more films uncut and grant The Exorcist a video release, Mark Kermode, for example. The worst case scenario would be the appointment of David Alton. That would be very bad indeed.

Malkovitch Malarkey

[Why I ever stopped this type of thing, I'll never figure out… Only one more, in #4…]

Well, after last issue's shock revelations about John Malkovitch's behaviour with regard to Nicholas Cage's ickle bunny-rabbit, news reaches Munching Carpet about Malkovitch's antics on the set of his most recent film The Man In The Iron Mask. It is alleged that Malkovitch refused to go to work in the morning unless he was given a glass of milk and a plate of cookies (seven chocolate Oreos - his favourite). And that whilst he was eating and drinking this early morning pick-me-up that his Musketeer co-stars Gabriel Byrne, Gerard Depardieu and Jeremy Irons would have to sing "The Golden Cockerel" to him as a way of seeing in the day with a smile and a cheer. This all went fine for a few days until co-star Leonardo Di Caprio heard about it. Leo got jealous of his co-stars and went and sat in a corner and blubbed like a jessie and refused to come out to act until he was allowed to join in with the singing of "The Golden Cockerel". It soon became apparent that there was a very good reason for Di Caprio's exclusion from the chorus and that was because he couldn't sing for toffee. But then some bright spark said "why don't you sing for fudge, Leo?" and everything was alright. From then on he sang like an angel. But only if he was given fudge. One day a runner accidentally gave him toffee and he wailed like a banshee and Malkovitch wet the bed in fright and as an act of "revenge" he made Leo clean it all up.

Top Seven Grange Hill Characters

[Because I got bored and couldn't be bothered to do 10.]

7 - Roland Browning: Old lardy guts Roland, persecuted by Gripper Stebson, his only true friend to start with was a young girl who couldn't even pronounce his name right, Ro-Land, indeed!
6 - Laurie: Can't actually think of her surname. She's one of the current crop, one of the roller hockey players. Part of the Laurie/ChrislDill triangle of love. She rocks. You should have chosen her, Chris, not pill! She's got something in her bag...
5 - Danny Kendall: Another persecuted lad, this time by the bewigged Mr Bronson. Danny kept on just walking out of school because he was bored and Bronson hated him. The only subject he cared for was art, the rest bored him. His death was sudden and unexpected.
4 - Sean: Another one from the current crop, he's the Scottish bully with a penchant for getting people beat up and generally terrorising people. He's got a great villainous sneer and is the best bully Grange Hill has ever seen.
3 - Zammo Maguire: Poor old druggy Zammo. He was a clean living kinda guy, but then he got mixed up with heroin and turned into a complete wreck. School graffiti; "Zammo chased the dragon and got a smack in the mouth". The discovery of his slumped body in the toilets after he'd overdosed was probably the show's most shocking moment to date (well it was at the time).
2 - Tucker Jenkins: Flippin 'eck Tucker. The original rebellious Grange Hill teenager. All who followed have merely been Tucker clones. The original, the best. Tucker was so popular that when he left school there was a GH spin off created for him called Tucker's Luck. It was pap, though.
1 - Mr Bronson: Had to be. The best teacher in GH ever. There are countless reasons why Mr Bronson was so good, but here goes; there was the hopelessly false wig, the vendetta against poor Danny Kendal "KENDAAAAL! My office, NOW!", which usually led to Danny giving him a "Yeah, right!" stare and walking out, which would lead to Mr B fuming "That boy should be expelled! ". There were just so many things, after he had car parking trouble Zammo said something along the lines of "I see you had trouble with your car this morning, sir." To which Mr B replied, without missing a beat "Detention! " Jonah then said "But, sir..." and was greeted with "You too! " .Marvellous stuff. They should bring him back! (Actually at one point, Michael Sheard wanted to come back, but the PI ck in charge at the time said "no". I think this was during the mid- ninetl lull, when it lost its direction for a while.)

Timmy 2Hedz' Ten Cool Things (for no particular reason, in no particular order...)

1 - Mel and Sue (Light and Late Lunch)
2 - The 'Stand by me' ending to most recent series of Grange Hill
3 - Vodka and Red Bull (expensive but cool)
4 - Women in white clothes in Summer
5 - Banana milk shakes at TGI Friday's
6 - Davina McColl
7 - The now accepted 'lad culture' which means it's OK again to admit you like fit women without being called a sexist wanker . [But Timmy, you are a sexist wanker...]
8 - Third Eye Blind (even though Cirencester is too crap to stock the album)
9 - Yellow electrical household appliances
10 - Jackie Chan (from the 80s -not just now...)

Ten More Exciting Facts About Movies part 3...

[And why I ended this, I'll never know, as it was one of the best things in the early issues!!! It kept cropping up every now and then, though… But without the "True false fact" of Issues 1 and 2.]

21 - Whilst filming Twin Peaks, actor Kyle MacLachlan kept on having visions of Obi-Wan Kenobi, from Star Wars. It is alleged that MacLachlan only took the role in Showgirls because of the advice Kenobi gave him. After realising the mistake of appearing in the film, he turned to the Dark Side and now receives his guidance from none other than Darth Vader himself.
22 - Right, that's enough interesting facts.
23 - I'm bored of this, let's do something else...

Don't Forget To Catch Me...

Part 1 - Holiday Hoopla

[This was supposed to be an extract from my first novel, then entitled "Don't Forget To Catch Me" after a line in a song (now entitled... something else; wait and see...). And in theory, this should also tie in with The Vampire Incident and Laura. But probably don't 'cos I keep chopping and changing. Actually, they all could tiew together, except this one... The events in the tale were based on a true story, slightly dramatised for comedic effect. If you ever see Timmy, make sure you ask him about it…]

"I'm telling you it's true! " Ben exclaimed, a smile fixed on his face.
"Yeah right," Sadie shook her head in doubt. She turned to look at Sheena. "He's told this shaggy dog story hundreds of times before and every single time he tells it he claims it's true-"
"It is!" Ben insisted.
"But it just sounds like one of those urban myths."
"It's not, it's 100% true! It really happened."
Sheena looked from one of them to the other and smiled. They were like some old married couple, except they weren't even going out together, let alone married. She thought they should be, though.
"So there's this geezer-" Sadie sighed.
"Bob. " Ben sat back, he thought he'd just let Sadie get on with telling the tale wherever she could.
"Yeah, whatever, anyway he's on holiday with a couple of his mates in Spain or wherever and he's on the pull. Anyway to cut a long story short, he picks up this blonde girl-"
" Alison."
Sadie shot a 'let me tell this story' look at Ben, " Anyway, she's seventeen, eighteen or so. That's what she says, but she was probably a bit, younger. The geezer-"
"Bob," Ben interrupted.
"Yeah, whatever. Anyway Bob picks up this blonde-"
"Alison."
"Right, Bob picks up Alison and they go back to his hotel. The trouble is his two mates are there and it's only a small hotel room, bedroom, bathroom, not much else, and they won't make themselves scarce, so they have to go into the bathroom. So they get down to business, take all their clothes off, not that they were wearing very much in the first place, and they're rolling about on the floor and they get down to a whole load sucking and licking and munching and stuff; you know what I mean, I don't need to go into details. Anyway, when he finally gets around to uh, sticking it in, he only manages to go 'in and out' once-"
"Once?" Sheena laughed, "Bit soon."
"That's not the best bit, " Ben noted.
"I should hope not, " Sheena said, "Some bloke coming after only one in out, bloody useless shag."
"He didn't get a chance to come, Sheena, he lost his balance, his knee slipped on the sweaty floor or something and he fell forward and head butted her. "
"It's true, it really happened!" Ben exclaimed.
"Yeah, right. So his mates hear this thud and go to see what's happened, they push the door open and there they are, on the floor, butt naked and out stone cold." Sadie sighed.
Sheena was laughing her face off. " And that's true?"
"Yes," Ben confirmed.
"No, " Sadie snapped, "And there were allegedly photos taken of the two of them, naked and unconscious, and he" -Sadie pointed at Ben, who was grinning away like a Cheshire cat - "claims he's got one, but every time someone asks to see it, it mysteriously vanishes. "
"Until now," Ben smiled, holding up a photograph of a young man and a young woman, butt naked on the floor of the bathroom of a Spanish hotel. "Believe me now?"

Pop Quiz, Hotshot!!! Part 3...

This month there were these funky answers to questions I posed in issues 1 & 2;

1 - No actual answers to the Wicked Witch problem, but I'm a little closer to finding out the answer... 1; In the BFI Classic on Oz, it states that it is West 2; in the sleevenotes to the double CD of the sound tracks it savs East, Then it hit me the other day, a foolproof way to tell which witch it is; look at her feet! If there are Ruby Slippers then it must be East, as the only 100% confirmed sighting of East is when her feet are sticking out from underneath Dorothy's house with the slippers on her feet If she's not wearing Ruby Slippers then it must be West I'll let you know the answer when I next get around to watching it again. [It was East.]
2 - More Kenickie stuff, which all came in just that little bit too late to go in the last issue: Jasmine from Berkshire added to her previous answer that Kenickie have recorded a version of Hot Chocolate's It Started With a Kiss, and that there is a live version of Come Out 2Nite on Phoenix, The Album (96) and also there is a v/a album called The Camden Crawl which has a Kenickie track on it Gordon from Scotland knew about this one too, the track's called Gary II, He also knew al! about Cat Suit City, too, Of course, there is also the Gary Numan Tribute album, which features I'm An Agent (which is identical to its b-side release), I had actually heard of this one, but I must have blanked it from my memory or something, And there was another one, too; Laugh Hard At The Absurdly Evil (on X-Wing Recordings) features an early version of Punka, which is titled Hey, Punka! In a few issues time, I'll put all this info together to form a definitive Kenickie Discography… Robert from Sticky also had a pile of information, which included the Cat Suit City stuff. He's also heard of the Camden Crawl as well. He also mentions that they were on the EMI 100th Birthday album as well, which may be where It Started With A Kiss is from. He also had details of radio sessions too; a Stuart Maconie one, the now legendary Mark Radcliffe one, and John Peel, too. I'll print full details of all these when I get around to writing the discography. [Yeah, wait for #8.]
3 - Gordon also states that "Lauren Laverne is infinitely sexier than Natalie Imbruglia." although does say that Marie is "the sexiest Kenickster".

The next lot of questions to tax your minds are:

3.1 - Who is Calvin Johnson? [K Records bloke…]
3.2 - Who are Beaker? [Shouty band from Oxford]
3.3 - Are any of you Playstation freaks? [Nope, 'cos no bugger answered this. Found 'em all out in the end though…] Are you a Final Fantasy VII expert? Can you help me with a few things; 1 -Chocobo breeding. I can't seem to breed a special Chocobo. Is there something I'm doing wrong? Is there an easy way to do this? [Yes, and No.] 2 - Is it possible to revive Aeris before the final scrap with Sephiroth? [No.] 3 - Is there an easy way to kill Master Tonberry quickly before he gets a chance to do Everyone's Grudge? [Yes; Knights of the Round!!!] 4 - Is it possible buy or take the Chocobo Sage's green Chocobo? [No.] 5 - Is there a really quick way of getting lots (say 200,000 plus) of Gil "just like that"? (My preferred way at the mo is to equip with the Gil-Plus Materia and fight lots of baddies in the crashed plane, you get up to 30,00 gil a fight.) [No.]
3.4 - On the late lamented Mark Radcliffe Graveyard Shift, there were occasional sketches by a pair of Euro DJs. Now, I'm sure their names were Mel and Sue. Were they the Mel and Sue of Late/Light Lunch fame, or am I barking up the wrong tree totally? [Yes and no, respectively.]

Send your answers to the usual Munching Carpet address...

[This centre spread was essentially an excuse to print a picture of Kenickie; you could never have too much Kenickie, after all!!!]

Competition Ti-iiiime!

These competitions I've been doing haven't really been that successful. I've had the sum total of no entries, which means one of two things; I - The prizes are crap so no-one bothers entering, or 2 - the questions are too difficult. So, this month I'm guessing that it's 2 - the questions are too difficult, and making all the questions really easy... The prize this month is a copy of the Seven inch version of Space Manatee by Heavenly. It's a cool tune! (So are the b-sides).

I - Name any member of Kenickie.
2 - Name another member of Kenickie.
3 - Name a third member of Kenickie.
4 - Name the fourth member of Kenickie
5 - What was the name of Kenickie's first album?
6 - Name any member of Kenickie again. Anyone you like. Your favourite, maybe.

Rules; anyone can enter. First person to get all the answers right wins, if no-one gets them all right ('cos they're very tricky questions...) then the prize will go to whoever gets most. Closing date 23 May, or when someone gets all the answers right, whichever is sooner! Send entries to the usual Munching Carpet address. [Remember, this competetion has been closed for over three years!!!]

Back Issues. Again. YAWN! Right, as I said last issue I don't really want to sell back issues of Munching Carpet. But as I have a few copies of issues one and two left then I will sell them for an extortionate amount of money. The current ludicrously high back issue prices are; Issue One -£10, Issue 2 - £5. You will see that these prices are far too high and are just a total rip off. If you do have more money than sense then make cheques payable to Ashley Stewart. Remember; when you buy back issues you are being ripped off!!! (You might just as well wait for the first Munching Carpet Annual which will be kinda like a "best of, with new bits".) [You'll be waiting a long time… I had a history of promising issues that never turned up. Whatever did happen to the Munch Sarah Special…?]

Timmy 2 Hedz and His Amazing Theories

An undeniable 2Hedz theory for a perfect world.

Theory Number Three; The 'Pulling' Theory

Now I have to be careful here, and straight away point out that this theory is not about the art of pulling' (as for me to think that I have any say in this matter at all I would have to be one of those egotistical wankers commonly referred to as... er... blokes...eh?), it's more about when you can chalk up another point and say "hey, look at me, I've pulled. ". This whole theory has come about because of an argument, well more of a difference of opinion, between me and your beloved Editor Ashley (the one with the Ace Ventura haircut). His theory on the subject (and be sure to know that if he hasn't edited this out then it must be true...), is that you have only 'pulled' once it has become apparent that 'horizontal dancing' will take place or has taken place. I disagree. I believe that when you meet somebody, you must be one of those egotistical wankers commonly referred to as... er...lads... (eh?) if the only thing on your mind is to get her into the sack. Surely you don't have to bed everyone you meet in order for that to be a success, or indeed a 'pull'? Now, some of you may have a bad opinion of me after the first two theories of Bacon and Eggs and the Swamp Pig, but hey, I was only being honest, and I'm being honest now - not to creep to the feminists (bitches...see!) or to deliberately let down the lads, but I truly believe that you don't have to get somebody in the sack to pull. I believe that you have indeed 'pulled' at the very first second that you both realise that you possibly wouldn't mind inspecting each others CKs (you know, just at that moment before you kiss, touch, chat up, or whatever) - but you don't always have to actually get or go as far as full sex.

Now, some people could argue that I'm only saying this so as I can add points to my own totty tally by saying I've pulled loads of women as a cover to hide that in actual fact my 'shag count' is rather pathetic, and I would agree that my 'shag count' is indeed completely pathetic, but I truly think that 'pulling' and 'shagging' are different kettles of fish. And for those sharp 'never-miss-a-thing' types out there, I know that this kind of contradicts some of the Swamp Pig theory - but if you think hard about it, it all fits together now - the Swamp saga bugged me at the time because of the way it happened, but in reality it didn't matter and now it all falls into place and I'm quite satisfied with the result.

Conclusion: I must admit that this is a very picky and possibly crap theory - but it had to be clarified. Obviously most of the time, hey, it's good to shag, but don't forget that it isn't the absolute goal that must be scored in order for you and your ego to be satisfied. Remember, a 2Hedz perfect world means happiness, honesty, fun, fun, fun and above all, good karma. The sun is shining in my perfect world...

A reply by the Editor: Right, 2Hedz, I'm going to be incredibly picky here. What I actually said with regard to "pulling" was that you can say you have pulled when a shag becomes a question of when, rather than if. Which you appear to have somewhat misquoted (2Hedz says: Oi, twat you're missing the fucking point. I'm saying pulling and shagging are separate issues.). And yes, your theory is just a way to make your so-called "totty tally" artificially higher than it should be. Some of us are above such puerile things as "totty tallies" and don't engage in such behaviour. And if you insult my hair again, I will publish those pictures of you looking "cute". I will... [I never did; I've still got the pictures, what do you think...?] Oh, and I've not edited you because I believe in freedom of speech, not because I agree with you. Just look at number II in last month's 12 reasons...

JT Walsh

The actor, JT Walsh, has died. He died on 27th February, aged 54, of a heart attack. I don't know if you've ever heard of him, but he was one of those actors who could take a mediocre script and breathe life into it. The thing I remember him best for was the TV series Dark Skies, which was one of the many (short lived) programs influenced by the X-Files. Walsh was the boss of all organisation called Majestic, whose mission was to prevent the public from knowing about the existence of extra-terrestrials. The series was quite variable most of the time, some of the episodes were poor, but some were quite brilliant, and the show wasn't afraid to let bad things happen to its lead characters. Walsh's character, Frank Bach, was the best thing about the series, largely due to the actor's terrific acting skills. He really made you believe Frank was a real person, rather than just some plot cypher going through the motions. Here's a poem, it's called "JT";

JT
RIP

Now let's have two minute's silence (that means no reading as well)...

Campaigns!!!

Yes, I'm ripping off Lee and Herring. But if you're gonna rip off someone you might as well rip off something decent. This month's campaigns are:

1 - The BBFC is to appoint a new Director to replace James Ferman. I think the ideal person for this job would be Mark Kennode. He would be fantastic! Just imagine, within months we would see The Exorcist on video. It would be cool... At last we would have a censor with common sense. I can't see it happening, though.
2 - Put Mark and Lard back on at a sensible time of the day, ie 10 to 12 at night. At Easter I managed to listen to a few of their shows and I realised exactly much I miss them. I want to listen to them every day, but I can't 'cos I'm at work and we can't have radios on. I'm sure Mary-Ann Hobbs wouldn't mind doing a swap with them. Come back Mark and Lard, we want you back... (2Hedz says: I have to interrupt you at this point to save you from boring your poor viewers to death with this very valid question: Isn't Chris Moyles the best Dl in the world ever? I thank you.) Gee, thanks for the comment Timmy, two things: I -this is a magazine, it has readers, not viewers. 2 -No, Chris Moyles is okay, but he is not the best Dl in the world ever, this is a list of everyone I can think off of the top of my head who is (or was) better: Mark and Lard, Steve Lamacq, Jo Whiley, John Peel, me, Chris Evans in his Too Much Gravy phase, Mary-Ann Hobbs... I could go on, but I'm sure you get the point by now...

[Frying Pan Frenzy was created when Timmy got a new drawing package on his computer and found he could fiddle with th eimages so that it looked as if they had been hit in the face with a frying pan. This was the only one as he soon got bored of doing it, and graduated to breast enlargements, which I declined to publish...]

The A-Z of POP!!!

Part One - A

[The idea behind this was that it would be a one line description of a band/artist. Some of them would be serious, some insulting, some referential to the artist. I'll leave you to work out which is which…]

A Flock Of Seagulls: They had bad hair years, rather than days.
A House: They are the greatest.
A-Ha: Sorry, can't think of anything interesting about them...
Abba: The blonde one is the third best winker in the world.
ABC: Teaching "the kids" how to spell.
AC/DC: Lauren's got an AC/DC patch on her jacket.
Adam and the Ants: Were fearless, ridicule was nothing to be scared of.
Adams, Bryan: Hey, kids, let's rock, I'm really cool, I am!
Adams, Victoria: You would, wouldn't you? [This was when she didn't look like a walking skeleton…]
Adamski: Liked working with killer sea mammals.
Aerosmith: The hardest rockers on the planet...
Air: French.
Albarn, Damon: Hey, I look a bit like Tim Roth from a certain angle.
Alexia: Timmy 2Hedz says they're doing a very annoying holiday song this year.
Alishacs Attic: That's where they live and do stuff.
All About Eve: I don't wanna talk about them.
All Saints: Spice Girls without the spice.
Almond, Marc: Likes the pet shop boys, or something.
Amazulu: Too good to be forgotten.
Amos, Tori: No relation to Mr Brearly (or even Mr Wilks).
Amps, The: Kim Deal's third band.
Andre, Peter: Twat wanker cunt fuckwit shithead bollockbrain merkin munter.
Angelica: Look up those funky A-line skirts, man...
Animals, The: They live in a Japanese house, or something.
Ant 'n' Dec: see PJ 'n' Duncan. [Had I ever got to "P", you'd have found "PJ 'n' Duncan: see Ant 'n' Dec".]
Anthrax: Saddam Hussein's favourite heavy metal bovine virus band.
Aqua: Don't take it too seriously, it's just for fun, that's all!
Arthur Turner's Lovechild: Good job it's not Anthea.
Ash: The band with the best name on the planet.
Ashcroft, Richard: Cheer up!
Astley, Rick: Once wrote a song about a "bloody big pig".
Aswad: Don't turn around, keep on walking... away!
Aztec Camera: Last hit single was the cool Somewhere In My Heart in 1588.

Random Thoughts and Ramblings: I still can't decide who is funkier out of Lauren and Natalie (current voting is 1-0 to Laverne). I'm going to buy The Cult of Ant and Dec. I'm never going back to Prestatyn again. [You got this reference, right…?] In an ad in the NME a couple of years ago, Cat Suit City was mistakenly called "Cat Food City". Am I the only person who likes to put crisps in sandwiches?

They Might Be Giants #1

[They might have been, but they weren't…]

The Bernards (Nutmeg demo tape.)

The Bernards are a four piece from the deepest darkest depths of "up north"; Birmingham (Well, it's "up north" from Cirencester, anyway). They have yet to get a record deal, and have so far produced only the three track Nutmeg demo tape, which contains the songs "Rah, Rah, Rah", "The Ugly Boys" and "In The Village". Ooh, demo tape, mmm, I'm coming all over Holly Hernandez... "I AM HOLLY HERNANDEZ AND I HATE MUSIC!!!" Oh, dear, mmm, I don't know what happened there... Anyway, back to the band: like I said they're a four piece, Danny Bernard (that'll be where the name's from, then...) is the singer and a guitarist, Alex Martin play the bass, Carl Brett is on the guitar and Bobby Tofu bangs the drums and does the "technical bits". There are three songs on the tape, which on the whole are pretty good; first up is "Rah, Rah, Rah", which is a song of unrequited love and how you watch your "true love" from afar, afraid to pluck up the courage to ask her on a date for fear of rejection. Then we've got "The Ugly Boys", which despite having some dodgy lyrics "The ugly boys come out to play, just another groovy holiday. " is very hummable and kept on swimming round my head long after I took the tape out of my walkman. But for me the highlight of the tape was the last song, the rather fantastic "In The Village" (nothing to do with Patrick McGoohan), which is all about escaping from the mediocrity of a small town and heading for the big lights where all the action is. It's about ambition, hope and becoming all that you can. It's got some cool swirly guitar bits on it, too. When Nutmeg is released as a proper single that people can rush out and buy in the shops, In The Village should, in my humble opinion, be the A-Side. On the whole the songs are pretty good, a little rough sounding, but then it's only a demo tape so you can't expect perfection (interlude: have you ever heard the demo version of Prefab Sprout's fantastic song The King of Rock and Roll? It's a bunch of pants!). They do remind me of someone but despite listening to the tape loads of times, I just can't put my finger on who it is. Anyway, whoever they remind me of at the end of the day what matters is that none of the songs on the tape are duffers and they are all rather good. I got the tape about six weeks ago and it's still one of the things I listen to when I feel like a change from Kenickie (who seem to have a virtual monopoly at the mo). It certainly gets a "thumbs up" from me...

Oh, Dear...

I've just heard some incredibly stupid news about everyone's favourite Hollywood "Wild Child" Drew Barrymore. Firstly she's going to be in a re-make of the Alfred Hitchcock movie Psycho, in which she will be stabbed to death in a shower. Now, the thing is, Psycho is what is known in the movie trade as a "classic" and is rather brilliant. And get this, the director of the remake is using EXACTLY THE SAME shooting script as Hitchcock. Every line is going to be the same, every shot set up and framed exactly the same. The only differences will be that it's in colour and there will be different actors. They're basically trying to make a carbon copy of the film. WHY??? If you are going to remake a film then you should at least bring your own original ideas to it rather than slavishly copy the original with no thought for originality. They should at least try to get the Hitchcock version out of their minds and go back to the original novel and go from there, interpreting it the way they see fit. But no, they're going to be uncreative tosspots and just rip off Hitchcock. And just when you think it's as bad as it gets, you find out that Drew Barrymore is going to be in another remake. The Wizard of Oz!!! Now, the original 1939 movie is also quite rightly a "classic", and remaking it serves no purpose whatsoever. They should just re-release the original. I haven't heard who Drew is playing, but there are really only three roles that it could be: "Worst Case, Oh God, NO!!!! " Scenario: Dorothy. She's far too old, (Judy was a bit old as well, but only by four years), Dorothy is supposed to be 12, whereas Drew is 24. Nuff said. "Not Quite so Bad, But Still Pretty Bad" Scenario: The Wicked Witch Of The West. Don't really know if she's evil enough or not, and in anycase if I were the casting agent for the remake there would only be one name I would consider for The Wicked Witch Of The West and that name is Maggie Kirkpatrick. "Mmm, I Suppose That Wouldn't Be Too Bad" Scenario: Glinda, The Good Witch. She'd be alright as Glinda, but I think Sheryl Lee would be .much better (see Wild At Heart and you'll agree). A remake of Oz is an incredibly bad idea. The only way I can think that it could possibly be a success would be if they got David Lynch to direct it. He loves the original and homages to it pop up in everything he does. But in the hands of anyone else, it will more than likely be a disaster...

[They never did do the Oz remake, but there were tales that Dorothy was to be played by Elizabeth Taylor. FMH!!!]

Ten Reasons Why "Kenickie At The Club" Is Better Than Sex...(*)

1 - Kenickie At The Club lasts for 50 minutes. Every single time.
2 - Kenickie At The Club produces no "wet spots".
3 - You can stop listening to Kenickie At The Club at any point you like and return to it at a later point without complaint.
4 - Kenickie At The Club can be listened to anywhere. Even on a bus.
5 - Kenickie At The Club does not ask "Was it good for you too? " or say "I'm sorry , that's never happened before."
6 - You don't have to spend ages chatting up Kenickie At The Club before you listen to it and you don't have to take it on dates or buy it flowers and chocolates and presents and stuff.
7 - Kenickie At The Club does not compare you with previous "listeners".
8 - Kenickie At The Club does not complain if you listen to it incorrectly or skip past the first few songs.
9 - Kenickie At The Club never has a headache.
10 - Kenickie At The Club doesn't get in a sulk, or argue with you, or throw strops when you forget to listen to it for a while or if you decide to listen to another album. It's always there for you.

(*.) - unless you're having sex with one of Kenickie... (I can dream...) [Very Albert Steptoe. There did seem to be a bit of a "shagging Lauren Laverne" theme running through Munch at times…]

Single of the vear to date: has to be I Would Fix You. bv Kenickie. [But would it be something different by the end of the year…?]

Last Bits...

It's the end of another issue and time for those credits: Munching Carpet was brought to you this issue by Ashley Stewart (writing, editing), Timmy 2Hedz (writing) and Ben Thompson (design, "typesetting", photocopying etc). Pretty much the same as the last two, then. Big Cheers go to everyone who has answered Pop Quiz, Hotshot! questions.

Ordering Munching Carpet. Munching Carpet is published on or around the 23rd of each month (give or take a day or two). Adverts should appear around this sort of time in places like the NME, although they have been known to appear a little later than they should (As I write this, just before completing this issue, the NME ad for Munching Carpet #2 has yet to appear. It's only a month late!). So, if it gets to the end of the month and you don't see any adverts, just send off your SAE and 23p. Issue Four will be out on May 23rd. It will...

I can't be bothered to have a Simpsons update anymore, every time I do one, by the time the issue is out it's already out of date. Suffice it to say the BBC are now showing Season Four episodes. Nuff said. And Channel 4 is now showing the fifth and final season of the mighty Babylon 5. It still stars Jeff Conaway as Security Chief Zack Allen. Conaway was, of course, the chap who played Kenickie in the movie Grease, where the band got their name from.

Next issue: more of the same, rot I promise I will not mention The Exorcist again - Overkill, I think it's called. Unless of course, there's some really exciting news, like It's being released on video or something, but I wouldn't put any money on that at all. There will be more Kenickie stuff (the phrase "too much Kenickie" is one that can never ever be said truthfully). Timmy 2Hedz will have his Theory #4. The second part of the A-Z of pop features the letter "B". And there will be lots of stuff I haven't even thought of yet. Munching Carpet is published on the 23rd of every month by Munching Carpet Publications, a division of Munching Carpet Enterprises, which is itself a division of Munching Carpel International. Or something. That reminds me: did I ever mention my alternative titles for Munching Carpet? No? Well here goes: Ruby Surprise; D'yer Reckon?; Smithers, Release The Hounds; Sector 7G; Or Something; D'oh!. Oh, I haven't mentioned Lauren on Never Mind The Buzz cocks yet, and I'm rapidly running out of space (I want more pictures this issue!); wasn't she fab? SHE ROCKS!!! I like the Turning Japanese bit best myself. She looked dead gorgeous as well, and I think I've decided that she's funkier than Natalie. Yes, she is. Lauren is funkier and sexier than Natalie. So there, I have spoken. Well, written, anyway. Oh, and Timmy 2Hedz says "Viewers an obscure quote from mid 8Os Smash Hits Magazine, you uncultured fascist! And, yeah, Chris Evans is/was better I suppose." You have my apologies, 2Hedz, I shall never insult your intelligence again... Don't ya miss Knight Rider, when in every single show there would be a jump across a river and KITT would say they couldn't make it, but you knew they always would and that Michael would go "Whoa! " when they landed. Final thought; It's at times like this I wish I could play the drums...

[The Donna Air GTP picture was entirely Timmy's idea. I had not got a clue who to put in, and he gave me this picture from, of all places, Loaded. Kind of ironic, then, to get complaints from people saying that the GTPs were "too Loaded". And sexist. Three issues and no blokes… Still that was to change with Issue #4, and the first (and only) nude GTP…]